Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Random Farts and Other Musings

I thought long and hard (that's what she said) about what to write for my silly old blog but couldn't come up with anything that wasn't inappropriate at every level. So in the interest of refreshing this space with new words and graphics for my followers and followers-to-be, I have collected some assorted ruminations, anecdotes, factoids, silly videos and random weirdness to entertain you and hopefully make your trek to my site a worthwhile one. Enjoy!


We have a cat named Blue who is deaf. I think if you are a cat, it's just better if you are deaf and I will tell you why. My two dogs love her, but being dogs they can't resist the urge to chase after her and bark and growl and snarl at her as menacingly as a couple of small dogs can. Meanwhile Blue sits there, licking her paw as poised and serene as can be, completely oblivious to the racket.

I think the dogs think she is a real bad ass.


If we ever become an advanced enough society to have created realistic-looking robots, or androids as they are called, I think it would it be in the best interest of society if they knew how to fart and burp because any robot design of us wouldn’t be complete without including some of our foibles. As we aren't perfect, neither should they be. Just as long as they don’t do it all the time. That’s just gross.


If a dog can supposedly tell where another dog has been by just smelling it's butt, as they say, then if you fart in a dog's face, is that the equivalent of their watching a DVD of where you were? Maybe even in surround sound?



Consider that each of the following items occur every minute of every day. (1) 250 babies are born, 113 into poverty; (2) the average person in the world makes once cent; (3) the average American household earns almost ten cents; (4) Oprah Winfrey makes $523; (5) 950,186 pounds of trash is thrown away in the US; (6) 120,673 pounds of edible food is thrown away in the US and (7) 18 die from starvation.

Wow, that's really incredible. Rarely do you hear something that really makes you pause and reflect like that. I mean it really blows my mind that Oprah makes that much money. You go girl!


My mother always blamed her farts on her cat, Nuisance, even years after the cat died. Like Nuisance, the “rapid fire” farts would follow her while she was ascending or descending the stairs in her home. These feline "ghost farts" so far have yet to leave any ectoplasmic residue. At least, not yet.



I think you can tell a lot about a person by his/her selection of pizza toppings. For instance, I respect those that put anchovies on their pizza because they are saying “I don’t care if 95% of people hate them. I want a fishy salt lick (or is it a salty fish lick?) on my pizza because I am cool like that.”

But what can you say about people that put these (all true) toppings on their pizza: Hard Boiled Eggs, Spaghetti, Squid, Pickles, Mayo, Caviar, Thousand Island Dressing, French Fries, Oysters and Sunflower Seeds.

I believe these pizza topping choices must denote a person with a serious chemical imbalance or psychological problem. (Medical term: Crazy MoFo.)


Places where you should never fart include (1) in line at the Post Office; (2) in an elevator; (3) in a dentist’s/barber’s chair; (4) in the shower and (5) at a job interview.


Okay, I admit it. I used to torture my kids when they were little. I made up bullshit stories that they believed, scared them to their wits end with evil clown dolls and clucking chicken dolls and other twisted things and basically screwed with their tiny minds because…well…it was funny!

I purposely sang “Georgia On My Mind” in a screeching, off-key voice when they were in my car. And for years that’s how they thought the song was supposed to be sung.

Also when we were in the car I would announce that we were going to visit my friend and that he hated kids and liked to poke them with a stick. (shrieks of utter terror)

“No daddy, please, I don’t want to go there!” (ha ha, nice one!)

Then I would say he is in Kansas City and that they wouldn’t be able to enter the city limits unless they could do the “Boola Boola Dance.”

“But daddy, I don’t know the “Boola Boola Dance!” they cried. "Well, I guess you will have to walk home then." (snicker, snicker!)

I can’t wait to see what rest home they decide to put me in.


  1. You forgot to mention the quarters you'd leave in the bathroom, the monster in the closet, the monster under the bed, the aliens that are still watching and waiting patiently, the monster masks, and the undertoad. Oh and your friend in Kansas City did more than just poke with his stick.

  2. LOL! It's a wonder you still speak to me! Remind me to tell you the truth about a few more things I mislead you about someday soon.

  3. If you aren't allowed to fart in the job interview, that's an immediate red flag saying "this isn't the place to work".

  4. I love the dancing squirrels! the burping bikini broad, not so much.

  5. OMG--SO true about the pizza toppings! I had this blind date in college with a mildly attractive man--who ordered his pizza with raisins, spam, and pickle relish. That was it. I couldn't even kiss him goodnight!

  6. Excellent pondering points. In England they put corn on their pizza...WTF? My hub is a crop duster, silently farting his way through the grocery store. Keep moving, honey, just keep moving.

  7. "But what can you say about people that put these (all true) toppings on their pizza..." That she is pregnant.

    I’m still chuckling at the squirrel video. He was a little squirrelly anyway.

  8. Alright! Both of those videos are really great finds, very funny!

  9. The best part of liking anchovies on pizza is you never have to share it. :-)

  10. I especially enjoyed your anecdote about the deaf cat. Very funny stuff, so appreciated right now, as we dig our way through a rough winter. Nice post, Tom!

  11. Thanks all for your great comments. I love comments! They are as the nectarous droplets of crimson ambrosia that tease and torment my taste buds with a voracious and unquenchable lust for if drinking the blood was enough, no, I need to drown myself in it's gory richness and let it feast upon my mortal remains. (Ewww, that was awkward.) I am not a vampire, just so you know.

    @ thegoette - Bryan, thanks for weighing in on the many mental tortures I inflicted on you as a child. So glad it's all water under the bridge, right? Right???

    @ Ed Adams - You are so right, Ed. In the interest of full disclosure, I feel it's important that all prospective employers be familiar with my farts. Probably why they won't hire me, but so be it.

    @ Eva - I agree with you that the beer girl was sexist and degrading to women. I am just trying to spread the word that this type of thing must stop for the sake of our children and our children's children.

    @ Chantel - That's so crazy! Pickle relish, raisins and spam? He's got to be an alien.

    @ Tam - corn on pizza is like ketchup on a's a crime against food! Thanks for the crop dusting comment. I forgot they called it that! (Such a lucky woman!)

    @ Coffeypot - I thought about the pregnant thing too, but not even a fetus would stand for those toppings on their pizza. Glad you liked the squirrel video. There's just something soothing about squirrels. And wood chippers.

    @ Me-Me - Glad you enjoyed the videos! I thought they were appropriately weird. Thank you for visiting!

    @ Christine - I like anchovies sometimes and I never thought of it that way but I'm sure that's a big part of the reason I like them, because I don't have to share! You nailed it lady!

    @ TomS - Glad you enjoyed my post, Tom. I hope you are managing to stay relatively dry and warm during this Snowmageddon. Take care and thanks for visiting!

  12. Foibles. I think I'll use that word today !



  13. Who eats sunflower seeds on their pizza? (A squirrel?)

  14. Hee hee at the Squirrel dance! I actually saw MJ in concert when I was 14 (don't do the math, I'm old) and he was still "normal." Both in looks and behavior.

    Hey! Maybe it WAS me who caused all the weirdness. He just wasn't the same after he saw ME! I was on the 3rd row.

    hee hee

  15. You have an interesting blog, I am following you now. Thanks for following Secret Story Time too.


  16. Ok, I saw your comment on my blog (thank you SO much!!), so I decided to come visit you back. I saw the Dubya picture, and hit the "follow" button immediately!! Then, I read "that's what she said," and have now placed you on my Top Five Favorite Bloggers of All Time list!

    Thanks for the laugh, I'm your newest follower! (Also, I like mushrooms on my pizza, what does this say about me? Hopefully nothing fungus-related!)

  17. Ya, the quarters was a pretty nasty trick that made me a frugal spender. "You know what I had to go through to pay for this 25cent bubble gum?! no I'm not sharing."

    I like the Blue anecdote a lot. She is a badass.

    I used to be disgusted by people in elementary school who would dip their pizza in ranch dressing. And then just a few years ago I tried delicious! So I say try anything you want on pizza. I'm thinking I might try out my love of PB on pizza next time.

  18. Wow, thanks to you all for following and for your cool comments! I do appreciate it!

    @ Supah - Yeah, that's a fun word. My latest faves are troglodyte and zeitgeist. Thanks for coming by!

    @ Tracie - I guess my son is a squirrel. He said he has put them on pizza and he likes it! (In his defense, he lives by a lot of power lines.)

    @ Quirky - Wow, so it was you that transformed him from the King of Pop to the King of Freaks? You go girl! You got some quirky powers there. (I think a cape may be in order)

    @ Secretia - Thanks for comin' aboard the Lunacy train! I just love your blog and am so pleased you came by and followed.

    @ Anything Fits A Naked Man - Wow, what a great comment! My cup runneth over! LOL! You are so funny. I too am a big fan of mushrooms on my pizza (and I'm pretty sure it is unrelated to my foot fetish.)

    @ Lissa - I feel bad about the quarter dealio. (For those that don't know, I would take a big smelly dump and tell the kids I left them a quarter on the toilet so they would go in and...well you know.) But my dad did it to me so I am depending upon you to carry on the family tradition. Thanks for the cool comment!

  19. Oh, my. When your kids are teenagers I am thinking they will tell you if you want to know where they have been to just follow their farts~! Chantel's comment...Raisins, pickle relish and spam? Was he pregnant or something? That is just not right.

  20. Ha! That IS one bad ass cat. She might be deaf, but I'm betting she feels and smells their dog breath on her when they are barking. You should post video. :)

    Those pizza toppings....WTH?!

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