Friday, March 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The show continued on showing liberals and the members of the Frappucino Party waving protest signs claiming that the President is leading the country toward a theocracy and demanding an end to the burning of books, music and movies that might have the slightest tinge of impiety. Banners saying “Stop revising our history books with your lies” and “Kill the Bill” referring to the National Dress Code Bill, which would force everyone to adopt a uniform style from the 50’s…no the 1850’s, are displayed throughout the crowd.
Hold on, this has to be some kind of a …what the hell?
The narrator spoke...
“The death spiral toward full governmental control of individual freedoms began when the then President Jack Harroldsen became ill and died shortly after taking office in 2009, leaving his Vice President, the Reverend Billy Joe Hickom, a former governor of Kentucky and twice mayor of Higginsville, MO (Pop. 4,571) to assume the Presidency and institute some drastic changes on the political landscape.
Hickom had been a third-rate governor, noted for his many failures, incompetence and the ease at which he alienated everyone, even those in his own party and staff. The choice of Hickom as VP candidate was incredulous to any and all that knew of him. The media, in fact, had generously referred to him as a “half-wit legislator without an ounce of integrity nor common decency.” Yet President Harroldsen sought him out because he knew a loss with such a man on the ticket would drive the Democrats raving mad. He hadn’t counted on that aneurism months after the election that claimed his life and propelled this fundamentalist Christian whack-job to the highest position in the land.”
No friggin’ way! This is too crazy to be true. Isn’t it? This has got to be a Twilight Zone episode or something.
The narrator continued…
“What followed came to be known as the ‘Church Wars’ as the different denominations fought each other to become the official religion of the United States. It was a violent time in America where you were judged harshly, even shunned or worse, based on the church you attended. Eventually there was just one church, the newly formed American Church, which was also known as the Presbapticostal Church. Those who espoused religions other than Christianity were beaten and tortured until they either died or converted to the American Church. Atheists and agnostics found religion quickly, otherwise they simply disappeared never to be seen again.
Under the direction of President Hickom, a new law was passed with the help of his newly named Rebiblical Party, in which a systematized method of pay-as-you-go redemption was instituted. People with enough money could purchase "Salvation Points" whereas for the right price any penalties or infractions you incurred could be wiped clean with no lingering stigma attached to your reputation.
For example, Senator Hume Gifford, (R-NC) was charged 70 “Salvation Points” after being caught in a motel room with a young black male exotic dancer with whom the Senator claimed he was discussing the bible. According to sources involved in the investigation, the Senator was expounding on the concept of “turning the other cheek” in one sense of the phrase. He was released from custody and had his record expunged after he paid the fine (approximately $7.5 million dollars US).
Not everyone got off so easily. Farmers in rural Kentucky were strongly advised to keep their relationships with their livestock purely on a platonic basis after one of their own, Cyrus Dillon of Knob Lick, KY, was caught violating the code of morality with a sheep. He was summarily beheaded.”
Images flash on the screen of women and children crying as their husbands and fathers are chained and loaded like cattle onto waiting transport trucks. Their eyes portend a sense of hopelessness and defeat as the trucks head to an underground complex where prisoners of the “Dark Angels” are given the opportunity to make peace with God before they are individually executed for their crimes against the church. The new state cable channel televises the executions and replays them around the clock. “Subject Before God” boasts the highest ratings of any show currently showing on television, moreso than “The 700 Club” even.
At a break in the show the narrator reminds that citizens are obligated to report anyone that they believe is guilty of a crime of immorality and briefly goes over the reward point system that is established to encourage people to inform on their friends, teachers, co-workers and even family members. The greater the crime the greater the point values. Special accommodations are made in death penalty cases involving abortion, adultery and unrepentant homosexuality.
No way the radical religious right could ever take dominion over our country. Our free-thinking society would never stand for their takeover of our cherished institutions such as our schools, our government, our literature and arts, our entertainment media and news media, our science and medical research endeavors…and certainly not our sports teams!
As the narrator discusses the President’s mission to cleanse the country of the stain of secular humanism and how everyone who espouses those beliefs are to be considered agents of Satan whether they be politicians, writers, housewives, teachers, students, or other wrong-thinking intellectual opponents of America’s new model of society, the sounds of machine gun fire and rocket explosions nearly drown him out as the camera pans to show homes and buildings burning and the masses of charred bodies of the young and old smoldering in the streets.
Suddenly I am jolted awake from my slumber to find myself covered in sweat with my heart racing excitedly. Quickly I switch the TV to CNN and see Republicans spitting at congressmen, yelling “Baby Killer” on the House floor at fellow congressmen, and using all manner of hateful and vile language at Democratic members of Congress. There were those radical right-wing activists, those Tea Partiers, and they were calling President Obama things like Hitler, the Anti-Christ, and labelling him as being Marxist and Fascist and Communist and Socialist (because they can’t all be wrong, right?) and spreading their ignorant hatred and contempt for our elected leaders in every disgusting way imaginable, including violence and destruction of property…and all in the name of freedom from oppression.
Ohhhh….it was only a dream. Everything was back to normal again.
That’s the last time I ever go to bed watching the news.
"When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross."
- Sinclair Lewis
Saturday, March 20, 2010
It's my extreme honor speaking before you today, at the bargain price of only $75,000, to discuss with you the specific details of how we, in the Tea Party Movement, need your support to help reshape this great country of ours into the land that our forefathers and foremothers would recognize as their America, and not some socialist mecca for Godless bleeding heart liberal fornicators bent on oppression and tyranny.
Even now Obama is threatening to take away our rights to choose our own health care providers and institute a socialist government run program that decides your fate and the fate of your loved ones with their evil death panels rather than leaving the whole matter alone and letting the private sector, whose only interest is you and your families well-being, to manage your health care needs with all the care and sensitivity that our friendly and loyal insurance carriers can muster. Yes friends, we are all going to hell in a handbasket and Obama is to blame.
Sound too good to be true? It's true! We realize that no one has the time or the interest to know about the policies and laws that shape this great country of ours. And we know that some of you don’t know how to read or don’t understand a whole lot about what is going on in politics these days. That’s okay. We will teach you a few catch phrases like “Stop the socialist take over of America” or “Impeach the Congressional Socialists” or “End Obama’s Fascist Tyranny Before It Ends You.”
Lets take, for example, the current debate on health care reform. I’m not going to try to intimidate you with terms like “health care rescission“ or “end-of-life care” for instance. We don’t want you to know that. The specific details of the health care reform bill are just too complex for you to possibly understand, so don’t worry if you don’t know what it’s all about. Just know that we of the Tea Party Movement have your back. We have spent weeks going over every line of this legislation with a fine toothed comb to save you the time and trouble, so if you just follow our lead you can be sure that your course will be the right one.
Who are the people in the Tea Party Movement?
Are we a group of ignorant sheep being led astray by money and power-hungry right-wing narcissistic corporate shills thinly disguised as patriotic freedom fighters whose continuous repetitions of the same idiotic insults, labels and fearful prophecies of future enslavement under the current regime incite others to follow blindly and unthinkingly toward self-destruction?
Are we the puppets of obstructionist conservatives who will do anything and say anything to destroy any reforms or policies that might lead to Obama going down in history as anything more than a white-hating, non-American Muslim terrorist born in Indonesia and whom is secretly holding our nation hostage to his fascist whims? Even if those reforms are shown to be viable and efficient changes that will be of benefit to all Americans, even those with undesirable ethnic affiliations, religious persuasions or sexual preferences?
And finally, do we care more about name-calling and tearing down that too-smart-for-his-own britches, pompous, uppity black man, Barrack Hussein Obama, than addressing the real issues that are facing this country? Well that's just what those elitist Ivy League God-hating, long-haired hippie-freak socialist, military-weakening, criminal-coddling, fascist, big government, treasonous, terrorist-loving, marxist, one-world government wanting, lying, cheating sexual deviates and baby killing commie Democrats want you to believe.
Truth be told, we are just everyday Americans just like you that have been pushed too far by this administration and are angry and disillusioned about the direction this so-called President is leading this great country of ours. We are a grass-roots organization who wants less government, lower taxes, strong defense, strict adherence to the Constitution, an end to the evils of our permissive society and most of all our God-given right to freedom.
So once again, to recap, we want freedom for the true Americans amongst us, no more bloated government spending, less government including less stringent safety standards, less regulation on food safety and chemical pollutants, less government oversite and less corporate bureaucracy. Also, we want to live by the letter of the Constitution. It’s served us for this long, why change it? And we want a strong national defense. Why doesn’t the greatest nation on earth not have the largest army? No excuses, we need that. And we want lower taxes and a return to the decent society of our forefathers. So are you with us? Great!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been able to think of a topic to write about. This ever happen to you? Instead I have compiled some random thoughts and stuff to spill out onto the blogosphere to help get my creative juices flowing. So here goes:
The old saying that “laughter is the best medicine” is a curious expression, especially if you get bitten by a cobra. Maybe it’s me, but I think I’d rather have the antivenin than have someone tell me a joke. Similarly, I would imagine if you were going into diabetic shock you would probably want some insulin nearby rather than a Dane Cook CD. And people who suffer from urinary incontinence will tell you that laughter is no medicine at all, best or otherwise. I'm thinking, though laughter isn't bad for you, it definitely isn't the best medicine. Oxycotin is. (Rush can't be wrong about EVERYTHING, can he?)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Finally there’s a new ruckus in the news to fill the void left there by other boring controversies involving amorous golfers, politicians, athletes, entertainers and
A recent news story reveals that Wal-Mart has incurred the wrath of activists because the retail giant reduced the price of this doll by $2 while keeping the prices of the white dolls the same. Clearly they are sending a message here, right? They are, according to Thelma Dye, the executive director of the
A Wal-Mart spokeswoman countered this racist allegation by emphasizing that “both are great dolls, but the price was cut $2 for a black Ballerina Teresa Barbie from the $5.93 for the white version because the black Barbies weren’t selling. Pricing like items differently is part of inventory management in retailing,” she added. Despite this logical explanation, Dye warns that engaging in this type of pricing strategy “can have collateral damage.”
Uh oh, Wal-Mart! Sounds like someone is on to your segregationist plans! Are you scared, Wal-Mart? Do you dare risk the wrath of Thelma or will you continue to court “collateral damage” by persisting in this highly suspicious principle of economics known as supply and demand? Just how many of your executive officers are affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan? Is there a KKK discount? And how much is it? Inquiring minds demand to know the truth.
Everyone knows that Wal-Mart is headquartered in
A Los Angeles sociology professor, Lisa Wade, was quoted in the article saying that Wal-Mart could have determined “that it’s important we don’t send a message that we value blackness less than whiteness,” but noted that the black dolls might not be as popular because white parents are less likely than black parents to purchase dolls of a different race for their children.
But what about light-skinned black dolls versus dark-skinned black dolls? Has anyone done the research into the sales trends of these dolls? (Sounds like a great masters thesis, doesn’t it?) How would an X-Men “Storm” doll do against a Wesley Snipes “Blade” doll? Does the buying public value lighter skin moreso than darker skin? And how confusing then is it to buy a Michael Jackson doll?
As a former child myself, I think that kids have much more influence over what toys they receive than their parents. Kids are very picky these days and if they want a black Barbie or a black G.I. Joe doll or even a Spiderman with his black costume, then that’s what they usually get. Otherwise they throw a hissy fit and lock themselves in the bathroom and keep flushing the toilet until they get what they want. (Oh, like you didn’t do that too.) And for the record, I would say that kids today are far more colorblind with regard to their toys than their parents ever were.
As an example of this, black rapper dolls outsell white rapper dolls one million to one. Yeah, the K-Fed rapper doll sold a total of 12 units. And they were all bought by K-Fed and given to his 10 family members and friends. The other two were given to his fans…Vanilla Ice and Gerardo. Similarly the action figures of black athletes sell equally well or better than their white counterparts in every sport with the possible exception of hockey and NASCAR.
Seriously, I have to laugh at these weirdos and their race-mongering rants appealing to our collective white guilt like they were Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson. The whole idea of lowering the price of a particular doll being a veiled attempt to demean black people is ludicrous. While there’s no doubt that all dolls are manufactured equal, there’s no question that people who give a rat’s ass what skin color a child’s doll has are just born stupid.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Okay, maybe hate is a bit too severe here.
How about massively irritated and ready to stare daggers of evil at the parents of the little monsters as they blithely let them create one awkward situation after another in public places? Is that fair?
I know this is probably a very unpopular idea, especially with you mommies out there that cherish your little (insert cute baby nickname here) and have those mad maternal instincts that turn you into a cross between a werewolf and the bionic woman whenever your baby is threatened with danger. But try to look at it from a man’s perspective (yeah, that never fails, right guys?). What may look like a sweet precious angel to you, might look like, oh I don’t know…a drooling, screaming, shit-beast to someone else. Just sayin’.
Children, and Especially Infants, on an Airplane
Do I need say more? Having little Jeremy alternate between raging tantrums and kicking the seatback from Chicago to San Francisco has got to be one memory I could live without. Running up and down the aisle aimlessly whacking the arms of fellow passengers while singing some song he learned watching Barney the purple dinosaur from hell? That’s another one. And as usual, the parents either just let it happen or are helpless to control the situation, often indifferent to the disturbance it is causing others. Could the airline make a special section in stowage for kids? Or administer knockout drops? Just curious.
Could the airline make a special section in stowage for kids? Or administer knockout drops? Just curious.
Children in the Movie Theater
Okay, you’ve plunked down half your car payment for two tickets and refreshments to see a late screening of the latest 3-D blockbuster on an IMAX screen. And just before the movie begins you hear the faint, at first, warbling of some 9 month old baby just getting warmed up for all the exciting and visually stunning action sequences with large explosions, flashing lights and high-pitched agonizing screams. Yeah, babies just love that stuff, now don’t they?
Then you shrink down in your seat furiously cursing under your breath at the questionable intellect of people who would bring a child outside late at night to watch a movie, any movie, but especially one like this where you knew the kid was going to invariably have a full-on freak out. Then the realization takes shape in your mind that the next 90 minutes, which you had hoped would be a lot of fun entertainment, has now morphed into a new expensive and self-induced torture technique using a screaming baby instead of a waterboard. Do we, as paying customers of the theater, really care if the parents were too cheap or too broke to pop for a babysitter and would rather ruin the viewing experience of a few hundred people instead? Not so much. Do we want to key their car on the way out? Oh definitely.
Children in a Restaurant
You make reservations weeks in advance at a really posh and trendy restaurant. As the anticipation of a marvelous evening of culinary finesse looms before you and your date, the very last thing you expect to see is a couple with their out-of-control three year old son seated in the booth adjacent to yours. The whole evening has little Jeffy crying, screaming, running about the restaurant shouting and crawling under tables as waiters attempt to dodge the little hellion before they inadvertently drop a bowl of Vichyssoise on some unsuspecting patron’s head. And where are the parents while all this is going on? Engrossed in their own conversation about what color they should paint the dining room and why they don’t want to invite the Martins to go with them on their cruise to the
We've all been there people! We all harbor the secret desire to stick our feet out and watch little Jeffy go ass over tea kettle into a wall or something. Of course, here in California, that would lead to a lawsuit against the restaurant by the parents for not supplying adequate wall cushioning and a bean bag-type floor to cushion little Jeffy’s fall. (No doubt the restaurant would settle out of court for no less than $800,000 and the recipe for their Bolognese sauce.)
Honestly it doesn't matter where we are, in the grocery checkout, at the mall, at the post office or posting bond at the courthouse, children are just annoying sometimes. Screams of "I want that" at Walmart or "MINE!" at the drug store (along with the accompanied ear-splitting melt-downs) are a common occurrence. Who hasn't nodded in sympathy for the poor mom who's 2-year old daughter decided to pick a crowded doctor's office to roll around the floor screaming and kicking her feet until her face was a rosy red palette of drool, tears and snot?
We are all rankled on some level by the behaviors of young children and babies, whether they are ours or not. But do we do anything about it? Of course not. Children are like a pea-brained untrained squirrel that acts instinctively of its environment and can’t be blamed for their actions. But what about the parents? Well, some of them could probably use a good flogging, it’s true. Yet we are typically silent in this area as well.
Complaining about other people’s unruly kids is just avoided because it’s just not politically correct. There, I said it. It’s like a parent cussing out their own child in front of everyone else because he lost the 50 meter dash in the Special Olympics. Yeah, no one wants to see that. That doesn’t mean that we have to sit idly by as someone else’s kid pours bleach on our antique dining table or feeds liverwurst into our computer’s CD drive does it? It does? Damn! I better stock up on Scotch, then.
I guess if I survived fatherhood then grand fatherhood should be a snap, right? Just the same I am going to keep my eye out for you little Jeffy. You can't stay little forever. (demonic laugh)
"Hey! Stay the hell off my lawn! (mutters to self) Damn whipper-snappers."
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I am very pleased and honored to have received this award from RA from Sagittiferously Yours. Those of you unfamiliar with this person may be asking, what does RA stand for? Though I can't be absolutely certain about this, and I know other bloggers have proffered other explanations for this, I think I'm correct in stating that the RA must stand for "Really Amazing."
I haven't been a follower of hers for very long, but I've been more than impressed with the fascinating stories and videos she posts. Her blog boasts an eclectic style encompassing essays on music, the arts, science, pop culture, history, humor, her own personal stories and ruminations and everything else in between!
Following her blog reminds me of tearing open a box of Cracker Jack as a kid to get to the prize inside. You never knew what you were going to get, but you could always be sure that it was well worth the time and trouble. I believe that blogs like hers, which have such a broad-based appeal, are very unique and a wonderful addition to the blogosphere.
If for some crazy reason you haven't been exposed to RA and her talented and imaginative mind, then by all means expose yourself to her here! She would love to see you! Please visit her blog and follow her because she too is well worth the time and trouble!
Here are the rules of the award:
(Oh yes, there's a catch. There's always a catch isn't there!)
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog. CHECK!
2. List who you received the award from and include a link to their site. CHECK!
3. List 10 things that make you happy. CHECK!
In no particular order, they are:
My friends and followers
Starbucks gift cards
The sounds and smells of the ocean
Travelling the world
Making people laugh
4. Pass this onto other bloggers whose efforts brighten your day, stir your imagination or make you laugh out loud. CHECK!