Let's Talk About Dick!

Those of you familiar with my blog know that from time to time I like to poke fun at Rethuglicans like Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck because of their utter stupidity, their senseless need to pervert the truth to fit their twisted right-wing ideology and their tenuous grasp on reality.

But there are plenty of others that are just as deserving of our contempt and, at the risk of being targeted by one of his Blackwater death squads, I would like to discuss one of them - our less-than-ethical former Vice President, Dick Cheney.

Who is Dick Cheney? He is the dark embodiment of soul-less evil that is hell bent on ruling the world. I'm sure you've seen or heard him a lot lately in the media. He is most often described in sentences that include words such as "stupid", "bloodsucking parasite", "insolent", "draft-dodger", "treacherous", "obnoxious", "war-monger", "puppetmaster", "corrupt", "lying bastard", "history-rewriting", "evil", "treasonous", "thief", "diabolical scum" and "ass-maggot".

Well, except on that "fair and balanced" television news station, the Fox News Channel.

Here are some more facts about Dick Cheney that I bet you didn't know:

• The only man Chuck Norris is afraid of.
• The rumors of his eating kittens for dinner are untrue. He eats them for breakfast.
• He is Satan's pride and joy.
• His hobbies include kicking puppies, shooting friends in the face, burning books and reading lesbian erotica.
• At least partially a 1960's era robot.
• He was the inspiration for the character Voldemort from the Harry Potter films.
• Chosen VP because Bush figured that way he would be safe from assassination attempts, as no one would want Cheney as the President.

No longer relegated to quietly sneering in the background while disgracefully helping Dubya (some would say leading Dubya) through eight years of gross mismanagement and economic ruin, Cheney has lately become the ad hoc spokesperson for the Repiglican party and a very vocal opponent of the current administration in virtually every scenario.

Like most Repuppetcons, his stiff defiance to all things Obama have painted him as just another political tool wielding his nay saying obstructionist views and a delusional and distorted take on recent history before the public. He even has his daughter Liz spewing the same idiotic rants.

Here's what I don't understand though. How can a man who's already been repeatedly exposed as a compulsive liar, a secrecy nut and a maniacal twit hell-bent on rewriting history, have the slightest bit of relevance and credibility in today's political forum? I mean, are we supposed to listen to his advice after he had eight years and spent over a trillion dollars on just the Iraq and Afghanistan wars with no success? Is anyone really blind enough to listen to his psycho counsel after his years of repeated failures?

Oh wait, I forgot about the ignorant, drooling masses of Republitards that follow him on the Fox News Channel and see him as the next messiah! Ahh, but the rest of us rational, non-Tea Bagging folk know him for the deranged weapon of mass deception that he is.

I'm sure much of this political posturing of his is just an excuse to distract the public from investigating the serious allegations being leveled at him and Bush with regards to their gross mishandling of pretty much everything during their eight years in office and Cheney's refusal to comply with the law and submit his files to the authorities for scrutiny citing yet another lie as his excuse:

"No no, that doesn't apply to me. As the vice-president, I technically belong to neither the executive NOR the legislative branch."

While we wait for Cheney to finish rewriting the Constitution to make all of his crimes and activities legal again, and apparently introduce himself as the sole member of a new 4th branch of government, let's say a little prayer that America is hopefully done with this power hungry narcissist. Our country deserves a chance to rise above the ashes of economic devastation that he and his fellow Repukelicans have created for us.

So go on back home and do what you do when you are not screwing up the country and causing the deaths of thousands of innocent lives, Dick. I'm sure it won't be as fun for you, but you can still dump toxic waste into storm drains, park sideways in handicapped parking spots and go drunken hunting to your heart's content. And maybe you can leave running the country to the people who were actually elected by the majority of Americans to do so and, unlike you, have a clue about what they are doing.

Mr. Cheney, your time in history is gratefully at an end and you need to quietly slink away into obscurity like your old boss and stop continuing to drag the nation down with you. Your continued existence, like the Ebola virus, is no longer required.

And just so you know, there are no deferments available where you are going.

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Here are several funny quotes about Cheney by late-night television hosts I hope you enjoy:

"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" -- Bill Maher

"Did you see Cheney the other day? He threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home game. It was low and in the dirt -- kind of like his approval rating....Whose idea was it to use Cheney to throw out the first pitch? I mean, this guy's not known for his aim." -- Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." -- Bill Maher

"Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood?" -- Jay Leno

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when he planned the invasion of Iraq." -- David Letterman

"America remaining obsessed, fascinated, appalled, by what is being called 'Dick Cheney Shot A Guy In The Face-Gate.'" --Jon Stewart

"There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You can't blame [Cheney]. Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'" -- Jay Leno

"Cheney's temper got the best of him last week when he told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to 'go F yourself' on the Senate floor. Wow that's so out of character. He seems like such a peach. ... Afterwards President Bush would not comment on Cheney's outburst adding, 'You think I want that psycho coming after me.' ... Dick Cheney does have a history of swearing, but usually he's clutching his chest and falling down." -- Craig Kilborn

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on." -Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies" -Jay Leno

"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" -- Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture." -- Bill Maher

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On Fox News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing. The only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." -- Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" -- David Letterman

"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." -- Conan O'Brien

"He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel." -- Jimmy Kimmel