Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Female Celebrity Cheaters And Golddiggers

Golddiggers?  No, not us!  We married them because they are soooo good looking!

My last post regarding male celebrities cheating on their wives apparently struck a chord based upon the large number of comments and e-mails I received and continue to receive on the subject.  Quite a lot of women wrote me about this post, upset that these men had displayed such appalling behavior with their call girls tramps mistresses rather than use their celebrity status to advance more positive causes.  I guess it just shows that not everyone can be counted on to be a role model.  Your great comments and opinions show some very strong feelings about this issue so I wanted to further expound upon some of the points you made.

Many of you mentioned that women were equally guilty of cheating, as if I was letting the lady celebs off the hook.  Not so.  I could have mentioned the ladies, but then I would have had to change the title and the post would have been really long!   I, of course, recognize that male celebrities don’t have a corner on the market where cheating is concerned   There are plenty of female celebrities that have the same skewed view of morality as their male counterparts.  Though, I can’t recall ever hearing of one in “sex rehab.”  Curious.

For example, there’s Madonna, whose affair with A-Rod led to his wife filing for divorce.  Then there’s also Claire Danes who broke up the relationship of Billy Crudup and his 7 months pregnant girlfriend Mary Louise Parker before eventually cheating on him with Hugh Dancy.  LeAnn Rimes cheated on her husband and broke up the 8-year marriage (which included two small children) of her current boyfriend, Eddie Cibrian.   And finally Sienna Miller’s highly-publicized affair with actor and married father of four, Balthazar Getty, ruined his marriage before ending shortly afterwards.

One fine point that was brought up by Marla was that the mistresses who knowingly had affairs with these married men did so seemingly without any conscience about what they were doing.   “When will women stop hurting other women?  It makes me crazy when I see these female dirtbags crying on TV about how Tiger used them.  PLEASE!,” she writes.  And why are they so eager to hop in the sack with a celebrity?  Well, I’m thinking money has a lot to do with it!  These ladies (if I can use the term so loosely) in many cases are getting much more than the excitement of a fling with a well-known celebrity. 

Many of the women involved in these affairs have profited directly with money and lavish gifts, or indirectly through high-dollar deals for exclusive interviews with magazines and other media sources.  Some are even looking at potential television shows and book deals.  That’s right, we are rewarding their disgusting behavior by making them famous in their own right.  Shades of Monica Lewinsky, eh?

Two of the most recent mistresses have parlayed their notoriety into landing a new reality TV series where they expose cheating celebrities!  Yes, Michelle “Bombshell” McGhee, the stripper//tattooed freak show model who cheated with  Sandra Bullock’s husband and Jamie Junger, the model/unbelievable media whore   stripper who was one of Tiger Wood’s mistresses, are set to co-host the show.  Incidentally, Jamie recently won $75,000 in the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant on the Howard Stern Show where she shared details of Tiger’s penis size and other such things.  In related news, Rachel Uchitel, a celebrity whore night club hostess and the first of Tiger’s many mistresses, is pitching a reality show of her own, “Romancing Rachel,” and is currently in training for a spot on “Dancing with the Stars.” 

I’m sure Sandra and Elin Woods are just so elated that they could help these women in their new careers!

Also, several of my readers viewed the diagnosis of “sex addiction” with more than a bit of skepticism with regard to these celebrities.  And while I am inclined to agree, I do recognize that many psychiatric professionals consider it to be a real condition affecting both men and women, complete with 12-step self-help groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, all loosely based upon Alcoholics Anonymous.
My point, and of course it was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, was that celebrities are more than just the people we see on television.  For all their talent and skill, they are also people with valuable reputations which their highly-paid publicists and representatives work tirelessly to keep unsullied so that the endorsements, commercials and other lucrative offers don’t dry up.  Which is why it’s just so enormously convenient that whenever one of these male celebrities, and I am only speaking of that very specific group and not the general population, gets caught cheating, the spin doctors in their employ diagnose “sex addiction” to explain their client’s lapse in moral judgment and drop them in “sex rehab” to give their claim some credibility.

Tiger Woods?  Sure, I guess it’s possible he’s a sick man who earnestly wants to be “cured” and live a normal life with his wife and children, unfettered by the temptations of an immoral society.   But like so much in the media these days, it’s anyone’s guess as to whether there’s any truth to it.   While I have no psychiatric training or experience to speak of, it just seems more likely that he is what we laymen refer to as an asshole.

And finally, I want to respond to those that say that not all people who cheat on their spouses do so out of disrespect or hatred for their them or to fulfill some sexual need that their partner is unable or unwilling to provide.  I believe that's very true too.  As Ed pointed out, “nobody really knows what really happened in these relationships but the couple themselves, nor why one person chose to cheat.”   Life is neither black nor white, but instead shades of grey.  It may just be that some people have the capacity to love more than one person at a time (as polygamists claim to do) and that attempting to do so comes into conflict with society’s accepted principles of behavior.   Being torn between making a choice which would devastate both parties in a relationship or having an illicit affair where everyone is happy (even blindly so), I can see where one might lean in that direction.  If that makes me a hypocrite, then so be it.  

In a world where the only constant is change, and where our society has gradually evolved to accept monumental shifts regarding civil rights for gays, women and minorities and continually stretches the limits of what is viewed as tolerable, is it really too far-fetched to imagine a day when people finally throw off the shackles of convention and religious doctrine and follow their hearts instead of outdated social mores?  Could there be a time when our private lives and sex lives will be our own and not subject to public scrutiny?

And more importantly, what effect will it have on golddigging celebrity whores? 


Friday, April 23, 2010

Cheating On Your Wife: A New Celebrity Pastime

The celebrity magazines and supermarket tabloids are definitely all abuzz with the latest sleazy escapades of the rich and famous. Larry King cheating on his wife with her younger sister…Steven Seagal is being sued for sexual harassment and keeping sex slaves…Big Ben Roethlisberger accused of sexual assault of a college girl…I guess boys will be boys, right?

The regular Celebrity Corner post is going to be a bit different this week. All of us have been reading or seeing stories in the media lately about all the cheating going on and I have to say it’s just taken on a life of it’s own, this adulterous behavior, and so I wanted to address it and get your thoughts on the matter.

Show of hands, how many of you think cheating on your spouse or loved one is just fine and certainly warranted in most situations? One, two, three, four….wow, you guys are really open-minded about this! And how about the ladies? Anyone? No? Hmmm. I’m sensing a pattern here.

Seriously, there is some kind of mental meltdown going on and it’s really blowing my mind. Does it seem like guys in the celebrity world are just getting creepier and cheating a whole lot more on their women lately? What the hell? What is this all about? Is there some type of cosmic radiation that’s affecting the brain chemistry of certain male politicians, athletes and celebrity types? Are we ready yet to finally proclaim that 2010 is officially the Year of the Douche Tiger?

Yes, Tiger Woods is a giant douche for cheating so elaborately on his wife, Elin, but he has an excuse. He has a sex addiction. Oh please! That’s like saying fat people have a cheesecake addiction. It’s just a little too convenient. Instead of copping to the fact that they are just horny men who saw a chance to get some extramarital whoopee and went for it, they try to salvage their valuable reputations by claiming some trumped up affliction and checking themselves into sex rehab in order to get public sympathy and defer scorn and anger away from them. Get real! If sex addiction was a real condition, then wouldn’t Hollywood want to host a telethon and get poor, sick Jesse James, Charlie Sheen, David Duchovny and Eric Benet to join Tiger onstage and beg for funding to find a cure? Especially if the cure involved strippers, hostesses, models and escorts?

Experts will tell you there are a lot of reasons why people cheat. They point to things like ego-embellishment, peer pressure, the idea that they can get away with it, a sense of entitlement, opportunistic sex and a general desire to satisfy their craving or curiosity for different sex. While all those are most certainly true, there’s an underlying reason we can’t dismiss as well. They are assholes.

One thing that surprises people is when a celebrity cheats with someone who is less attractive than that person’s spouse, as if their looks were the problem. That is not necessarily so. Even beautiful people get cheated on. I know guys are shaking their heads wondering why anyone in their right mind would cheat on the likes of Halle Berry, Jessica Alba, Christie Brinkley, Sandra Bullock, Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Aniston, Uma Thurman, Sienna Miller, Elizabeth Hurley, Scarlett Johannsen, Denise Richards and many others. But beauty is not a defense against cheating, as these women can tell you. The bottom line is that certain guys, particularly those with money to burn like celebrities do, do not have enough respect for their wives or girlfriends to avoid the temptation to cheat on them. Put them in a room with a stripper or an “escort” and watch those marriage vows fly out the window!

Unfortunately it’s going to take a lot more tragedies like the death of retired Baltimore Ravens quarterback Steve McNair and the maiming of John Bobbitt before some guys get the message that, besides being morally wrong and a heinous slap in the face of your spouse or girlfriend, plus the possible loss of millions of dollars in endorsement deals, cancelled television shows and so forth, that cheaters never win.

Karma has a means of getting its vengeance on you in ways you can’t imagine.  And Tiger, man, I would hate to be you right now.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tom's Celebrity Corner Returns

Once again, Tom's Celebrity Corner is back by popular demand with more dirt on the people we love to hear about! This has been a busy week for our celebrities and pseudo-celebrities so lets get to the venerable trough of celebrity information and see who's being a dirt bag and who's not!

Those perpetually drunk guidos of the Jersey Shore cast are having a hard time fitting in to their new surroundings this season. That's because the show is shooting in Miami and the people there aren't interested in the fist-pumping, gel-wearing, moronic creepfest that is the cast. Yes, it's true. Miami will play host to drug smugglers, white slavers, Tea Baggers, and cretins of every ilk, but they don't want the likes of Snooki, Vinny, The Situation, J-Wowww and the rest of their orange-skinned posse ruining their image. According to a source, no one there wants them to tape the show in Miami.

As an example of this, they were turned away at several night clubs because their reputation precedes them. The environment is so hostile that they have had to beef up security because it is feared that people are going to initiate fights with the cast just so they can be featured on their television show. Wow, that's too bad for the poor Oompa Loompas cast. Perhaps there is a place where they can go where they would be surrounded by fellow guidos with the same GTL (gym, tan, laundry) mantra as their own and where they are not scorned as the obnoxious mutant dimwits that they are. Oh right, the Jersey Shore! But look out Boston...they may be headed your way soon! I wonder if honorary degrees from Harvard are in their contracts? Wouldn't that be fun? Shoot me now.

Kate Gosselin of "Kate Plus 8" and "Dancing With The Stars" apparently thinks of herself as a huge celebrity and has gone all-diva on us. Leaving the kids at home in Pennsylvania in front of the television set for days while she and her "bodyguard" fly to Los Angeles to shoot DWTS, Kate soaks up the Hollywood glamlife and is ardently trying to extend her 15 minutes of fame indefinitely. Though it's a certainty that she will lose on DWTS (fans only keep her around so they can laugh at her), for whatever reason her fans want to see more of her and so she will be on not one but two reality shows come summer. Along with "Kate Plus 8" she will be the star on "Twist of Kate,” where she will respond to fan letters in person by travelling the country and sharing her insights and good advice with other women having struggles of their own. Maybe a good bit of advice she could share would be "don't abandon your kids while you fly around the country on some selfish pursuit of fame and riches." Evidently not everyone wants to see more of Kate. Hugh Hefner turned down an offer from her to pose for Playboy. To add insult to injury, he commented that he didn't consider her a celebrity. Well, I guess there's always Hustler.

Fans of the top-rated sitcom "Two And A Half Men" may be in for a major letdown. Lead actor Charlie Sheen has been in negotiations with CBS over a huge salary increase he wants before he signs a contract to do the show next season. Even though CBS already pays him almost a million dollars per episode (he is the highest-paid actor on television) and even though they stood by him when he was arrested for chasing his wife with a butcher knife and even though they had to hold up production of the show while he went to rehab...good old Charlie told them to pay up to the tune of $2 million per episode or he was going to take his snarky wit and leave the show. And evidently CBS didn't meet his demands, so he is walking away from the show.

While there's no doubt this greedy jerk talented actor deserves a huge part of the credit for making the sitcom the most watched comedy on television, it still chaps my hide that he would create a situation where all the other lesser paid actors, crew and other people involved with the show could suddenly lose their livelihood because of his inflated ego and sense of entitlement. What's to happen to poor Jake? He's too dumb and creepy looking to get work anywhere else. And what about Jon Cryer? Why does the gravy train have to end now that he's finally hit the big time? It's so unfair and unfortunate that Charlie doesn't see the big picture and accept the measly $1.2 million per episode CBS offered him to stay. All might not be lost, however, if Charlie doesn't come back. CBS has a replacement waiting on deck to possibly pinch hit for Charlie should they decide to continue with the show...Emilio Estevez, Charlie's brother! Uggh!

Conan O'Brien is coming back to television! Yeah Team Coco! It's official, he signed a deal for a late night television talk show with TBS which will run in the time slot now being held by fellow funnyman George Lopez. Said Conan, "In three months I've gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theaters, and now I'm headed to basic cable. My plan is working perfectly." The new show will debut in November and air Monday through Thursday. Lopez had no issue with having his show bumped to midnight and was apparently very happy with the new arrangement saying "I can't think of anything better than doing my show with Conan as my lead-in. It's the beginning of a new era in late-night comedy."  Well I for one am loving the hell out of this. As a big fan of late night television, there was a huge hole left in the television landscape when Conan left and hopefully with his return life can get back to normal for comedy lovers everywhere. Until November then you can catch Conan on tour with his live show, called the "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour."

Today Show contributor and former NY Giants running back Tiki Barber, 35, announced Wednesday that he is splitting from his wife of 11 years after revelations of his affair with Tracy Lynn Johnson, a 23-year old one-time NBC intern, were made public. Reports say that his wife, who is currently eight months pregnant with twins, is devastated about the affair. Apparently Barber has been linked romantically with the pretty blonde since she was a 20-year old college student. The two of them have appeared in public, but Barber always explained that she was his kid's babysitter so as to not to arouse suspicion. He reportedly lavished his mistress with gifts of roses, designer clothes and jewelry for years without his wife knowing anything about it, even getting his wife pregnant while the affair continued. In an ironic twist, Barber spoke in a 2004 interview about how much pain his own cheating father caused his family and the struggles he had to endure in forgiving his father's transgressions. I guess it's the same pain Barber will be passing to his sons A.J., 7, and 6-year-old Chason. Betrayal - the gift that keeps giving.

And speaking of adulterous jackasses, there is a new player to add to this club. It's our old buddy Charlie Sheen again. Yep. Even though he has sworn to his wife that he was going to be the type of husband and father to their twin one-year old boys that she wanted, it didn't stop him from meeting in secret with Angelina Tracy, a lingerie model and call girl that charges $3,000 per hour. According to In Touch Weekly he's been escaping his rehab center wearing a goofy disguise to meet up and have sex with her. He has been seen leaving Tracy's home as recently as last Wednesday and has even brought the tramp home wrecker model to his family home when his wife was out of town. They have also reportedly been seen kissing together in the back of Sheen's chauffeured Mercedes Benz.

Sheen, who is no stranger to escorts dating back to the Heidi Fleiss call girl scandal, was photographed leaving Tracy's home sporting dark glasses, a fake mustache and a hooded sweatshirt. What could be suspicious about that? His reps have alternately said that he was wearing the disguise as a joke for the photogs (sure, why not?) and that he wore the disguise because Tracy was a sister of a friend of his and that he was responding to a 12th-step call and thought it might look weird if he didn't. (Oh please!) I suppose if I was having an alcoholic craving I would want to call a celebrity booze hound who was already in rehab and had already demonstrated no ability to quit his addictions.

Here's an alternate excuse you can use that's just as viable, Charlie. "I am a selfish, self-centered, ego-maniacal, lying, cheating, inconsiderate piece of shit loser of a man who has absolutely no conscience about anything I do, no matter how terribly it makes others feel, and that I had a note from God saying it's okay to act like a total jerkoff whenever I wanted to, but the dog ate it."  Your welcome.

Age ain't nothin' but a number, but...rumors swirled last week about Elizabeth Taylor getting engaged to her close friend and manager, Jason Winters. Turns out the May/December marriage talk about the 78-year old actress and the 49-year old entertainment manager is just a wild rumor with no basis in reality. Taylor has already been down the aisle eight times with such notable persons as Richard Burton, Eddie Fisher, Sen. John Warner and Michael Wilding, and claims she will never do it again. Apparently her last husband, former construction worker and convicted woman-beater, Larry Fortensky, ruined her for other men. So that's why she's in the wheelchair, eh?

Amy Winehouse went into a clinic on Thursday complaining about feeling severe pain. She said she was in agony and blamed the pain on her breast implants. They kept her for observation but there's no word yet as to if her faux boobs are the cause of her pains and if they need to be removed. Personally, I think it might be that her soul is rejecting her. The only question is why did it wait so long?

I promised myself I would try not to bash Sarah Palin this week (although she makes it too frickin' easy!) and report on her daughter, Bristol Palin, instead. The Alaskan princess appeared in a new public service announcement promoting abstinence recently. She and her 15-month son Tripp (there's a name for a future politician!) are shown in a Candie's Foundation PSA advocating against teen pregnancy. Sort of reminds me of when heavy metal rockstars used to do PSA's on MTV against using drugs (generally done as a requirement of a plea bargained drug charge.) By all means, let's let teen mom Bristol urge other teenagers to stay away from sex. I believe her message would be "Don't have sex because it could hurt your mom's chances at getting elected and make her look like some kind of hypocrite. Oh, and Levi Johnston is a big douche." Perhaps trying to capitalize on her mother's political fame (infamy?), Bristol will be playing herself on an upcoming episode ABC Family's "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" where she will also advocate abstinence. In related stories, George "Dubya" Bush will be doing his own PSA's promoting literacy and Tiger Woods will be doing one against adultery.

And finally some blurbs from the "Things We Don't Care About And Didn't Want To Know" Department:

Suri Cruise, age 4, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, is still drinking from a baby bottle. (Actually, anyone who knows anything about Scientology recognizes that it's not a baby bottle, but an intergalactic zorax thetan interbulator. Dumbasses!)

Lady Ga Ga announces that she is celibate. (This just in...Will Smith is right-handed! Get over yourself, lady!)

Heidi Klum claims that her sex life with husband Seal is "nice and spicy." (I was expecting "wet and fishy", but that's a different kind of seal.)

Lindsay Lohan says her dad's engagement to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend, Kate Major, makes her want to vomit. (Someone making YOU vomit for a change. Nice!)

Tiger Woods and wife Elin reportedly have not been intimate yet. (Which is too bad. Nothing like angry sex!)

Larry King and his wife are getting divorced. (Apparently her drugs wore off.)

Until next time, faithful fans, remember that no matter how effed up your lives may seem, some millionaire celebrity has you beat!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Tom's Celebrity Corner

Today I am trying something different here at Sophisticated Lunacy. I've decided to do a celebrity gossip column where I can highlight some of the goings-ons of our famous actors, singers, politicians, reality TV wanna-be celebrities, sports figures and other famous people of note. I will, of course, be objective in my discussions of these people, even the really dopey ones. I may or may not continue to do this on a weekly basis. It depends upon how this one goes. So sit back and enjoy this celebrity roundtable and let me know if there's someone that I missed with my poison arrows discussing!

Police in New Jersey discovered the dismembered remains of a man and a woman in trash bags near an intersection. Thousands of phone callers flooded the police station switchboard asking if the dead female was Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” Sadly, they were informed that it was not.

President Obama threw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington National’s home opener on Monday. Unlike most presidents' historically weak first pitches where the ball bounces and rolls to the plate, Obama’s pitch was high and outside. Asked about the bad pitch, Fox News political pundit Glenn Beck claimed that the errant toss was a result of the president’s inability to control his ingrained Communist salute. Of course it was, Glenn. What other reason could there have been?

The continuing saga of Jon and Kate Gosselin has taken another step towards pseudo-celebrity irrelevance. Jon, a former star of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 reality TV show (and celebrated douche bag), is suing Kate for primary custody of their 8 kids for being "an absentee mom." Kate is currently extending her 15 minutes of fame as a contestant on the "Dancing With The Stars" show, where she dances (most would say like a spastic robot) each week. Jon's lawyers claim that her appearance on that show demonstrates that she is not spending "quality time" with the eight little tax write-offs. Jon is seeking child support and alimony. Maybe he should seek some dignity and self-respect while at it.

Jesse James, cheating hubby of Sandra Bullock, apparently left the rehab facility he entered for sex addiction. After being caught cheating with multiple women, James entered rehab because he is desperately trying to save his marriage to the bank account...err, I mean, famous actress, and was distressed that she would not take his calls. Bullock appears to be continuing with plans to get a divorce and remains in a self-imposed seclusion. She denies reports that there is a graphic sex tape featuring her and James, though reports are that he is in possession of one and may use it as leverage in any future divorce proceedings. I personally emailed my suggestion to James for what I believe to be an elegant solution that will help him to reconcile his marriage with Bullock.

Problem:  Clearly Jesse is a sex maniac and the tramps he is cheating with aren't aware he is married.

Solution:   Tattoo "Sandra's Bitch" on Jesse's forehead and chop off his penis.

No word yet on whether James has made a decision to proceed with this or not. I will keep you posted.

After weeks of press about her marathon plastic surgeries, a US magazine article concerning reality TV star Heidi Montag, one half of the doltish duo, "Speidi" with husband Spencer Pratt, claims that the actress had the plastic surgery procedure known as a "back scoop" without even knowing what it was even for. "Eh, so they cut out part of my back. I can no longer hug people or jog. No big whoop." Is she sure she didn't have a lobotomy too? Maybe an anal/cranial inversion?

Harpo Productions announced that it will be airing the first televised interview with Rielle Hunter, the mistress of former Presidential candidate John Edwards, on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" at a future date. Hunter has a 2-year old daughter with Edwards and there is speculation that, since he is now separated from his wife Elizabeth, he is still tied romantically with her. This is yet another instance, such as with several of Tiger Woods' mistresses, where having an affair with a famous married man propels you into celebrity status. These whores are snapping up agents and publicists like crazy and making big money deals for things like TV and movie appearances, exclusive articles, public appearances, books, and so on. Then they are interviewed and we are supposed to feel sorry for them because they were such a "victim." Awww, poor little home wreckers. They remind me of another poor home wrecker, Monica Lewinsky, that poor rich girl.

I'm sure Elizabeth feels so bad for you, Rielle. How inconvenient of her to continue to live when John promised you that as soon as Elizabeth died (she has incurable stage IV breast cancer) that you and him would be married in a rooftop ceremony in New York and that the Dave Mathews Band would play. How good of you, Rielle, to appear on TV and in magazine articles as frequently as you do so Elizabeth has to continue to relive this public humiliation. Surely there is a place reserved for you and other cheating whores just like you. Oh right! Cable television.

Sarah Palin's "Real American Stories" debuted this week amid controversy. It seems that Fox News' may have taken the "Real" a bit out of context when it announced in their promos that they were going to have LL Cool J as a guest, unbeknownst to and without the permission of a certain LL Cool J. What Fox News had done is taken an interview he had done two years earlier with a different interviewer and packaged it to appear as if it was a current interview given by Palin. When he complained about being misrepresented like that to Fox News, they agreed to pull the segment.

A similar thing happened to country singer Toby Keith, who was surprised to find that they had presented an interview he had given to another group a year ago as a Palin interview as well. Just why did Fox News try to pass off old interviews as new ones? Was it because they have a growing fear every time Palin picks up a microphone that she is going to embarrass herself and the network? You betcha!

Well that’s all for Tom’s Celebrity Corner for now. Thank you for coming along on this excursion into the lives of the rich and famous. Perhaps later we can delve into the deep and highly spiritual mind of Amy Winehouse who said:

“I'm not religious at all. I think faith is something that gives you strength. I believe in fate and I believe that things happen for a reason but I don't think that there's a high power, necessarily. I believe in karma very much though. There are so many rude people around and they're the people that don't have any real friends. And relationships with people - with your mom, your nan, your dog...are what you get the most happiness in life from. Apart from shoes and bags.”

Fascinating stuff.  Probably the longest statement she's uttered without throwing up or passing out.  You go Amy!  See you all next time!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Stepping Away From The Madness For Awhile

I’m so burnt out on politics and hearing all about the latest dumbass actions and intelligence-insulting claims by the right that I am taking a hiatus from that world and instead giving my psyche a much-needed rest from all the bickering and back-stabbing. In short, I’ve decided to focus, at least for now, on subjects that have a much more soothing and relaxing effect on my soul.

There’s something I’ve discovered recently that has the amazing ability to make me temporarily forget all my troubles and sorrow and lift me to another, higher place where all is happy and good and there are no angry people waiting around the next corner to ambush me and cause me pain. No, it doesn’t come in a bottle and it doesn’t come in a pill and it’s not something I even have to smoke or inject. In fact it’s not a drug at all.

It’s puppies.

Last weekend we had a barbecue at my house and invited the family to come and meet the new baby (known affectionately as David 3.0). His dad, David Jr., brought with him their new puppy, Chloe, an eight-week old Pomeranian and Chihuahua mix (or a PomChi, as some dog hybrid people call it.)   She was a big hit.  Take a look at her and you can see why.

My stepdad, Clay, and Chloe, the cutest puppy of all time.

While babies are okay, sort of, and little children are sweet, in measured doses, a puppy is always a joy to behold. Just watching their cute, innocent faces boppin’ and jumpin’ all over the yard and the way they hop in your lap and lap at your face like you were covered in ribs (which I wasn’t…that came later) is undeniably one of the best feelings ever.

You just can’t feel depressed or down when there’s a puppy around. And Chloe was no exception. The playful way she interacted with my two dogs and the way she turned tail and took off like a rocket into the house yelping all the while when one of them (probably annoyed at her constant jumping on his head) barked at her, was certainly a sight to see.

Maybe it’s their cute innocent faces, those expressive eyes or those little tilts of the head and wags of the tail that say so much about the joy they feel at being with you without uttering a sound. Of course we can’t forget those funny chirps and barks that have us all laughing and doing that “AWWWW” thing. In that way, I think a lot of us feel about puppies like others view babies.

Both are full of wonder and are greedy for affection and attention. And neither are shy about letting us know when their needs are not being met. But to me, puppies are a natural mood enhancer, brightening up my day when the clouds have covered the sky like a thick layer of oatmeal, blotting out the sun.

While my two dogs are small and puppy-ish, they have since traded away that youthful wonder in their eyes and that spirit of adventure so innate in puppies for a dog brain that now knows all the clever tricks and manipulations it needs to get them that extra piece of cheese or that extra long skritch on their lower back.

Nonetheless, older dogs are far from lacking in inducing a type of quiet serenity as puppies do. Ask anyone with an older dog that cuddles up with them on the couch or in bed and they will tell you that their dogs are the most adoring and devoted critters you can ever imagine. Treated correctly, puppies and dogs will grow to become selfless fountains of love and affection.

There are good reasons why dogs, and not cats or birds or some other animal, are used as therapy animals to cheer up the sick, injured and elderly in hospitals and nursing homes.  Therapy dogs are sweet and good-tempered and respond to strangers hugging and cuddling with them and giving them something to pet and hold. 

Medical studies have shown that petting a dog will not only lower your blood pressure and calm your heart rate, but can actually block pain because it releases endorphins into your system.  There are many other benefits to having a dog, but the greatest one is that it will improve the quality of your life in so many ways.

I can't tell you how tempted I was, after visiting with Chloe, to start looking for a new puppy to bring home and enjoy.  But then I decided against it.  For now, anyway.  We have some wonderful dogs already, so loving and fun and with such great personalities, that I don't want to upset the dynamic we have going now by introducing another dog.  But boy was I tempted.

Ah well.  I suppose if I want to see someone chase his tail I can always flip on the Fox News Channel!

Ahh, serenity at last!

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