Saturday, January 8, 2011

A Tender Bleeping Jersey Moment


Jenny Matlock

Another Saturday and another Saturday Centus…the 36th one for those of you who are keeping count until we reach the 100th week, which as you all know was foretold by the Mayan calendar and scholars as being the final Centus on Earth.  But fear not because the Saturday Centus will survive.

Plans are currently underway to have a huge space station completed before that time so that the fabulous host of this jaunty literary meme, Jenny Matlock from her blog off on my tangent, can be blasted into space with a crew of hand-picked Centusians so that the Saturday Centus will survive the worldwide cataclysm to come.

Of course the blogosphere will be fairly sparse then, what with only a few blogs, but once word reaches other alien civilizations about Saturday Centus, we are sure there will be plenty of interesting stories to read and enjoy.  (Just a suggestion, though.  Try not to be negative in any comments to a Twartdackian blogger’s post.  They are sensitive and will hunt you down and vaporize you.)

If this week’s post seems just a bit disjointed I should tell you I am struggling with a bad cold and can’t be sure if the words spewing forth from my mind might be tinged with the effects of the medication I have been taking.  How does the old adage go again?  Starve a cold and feed a fever?  My own personal motto goes like this: “Drink plenty of scotch.”

Although drinking scotch is doing very little to allay any of the symptoms I'm suffering with, I’ve found that drinking scotch as a preventative measure to becoming ill has a high percentage of success.  The same can be said of eating Twinkies.  This routine has probably saved me months of sick time over the years.  Could scotch-flavored Twinkies be our salvation from the common cold?  Perhaps.  Time will tell.  

This week Ms. Jenny (who I would just like to state for the record is not flatulent but has a dog that is….why I feel the need to bring this up I have no idea) has shaken the firmament here in Centusianland once again with another twist for us to wrap our collective minds around.  Instead of a written prompt, we are given this photo from which to base our short, short stories on.

Our instructions are to write a short story of 100 words or less (unless of course a muse tells you otherwise) with no vulgarity (or as little as you feel you can possibly do, written or implied, given the situation) and without any photos or illustrations (except for the one we are supplied by Ms. Jenny) and post it to her meme post within a week’s time.  Once posted, other Centusians and fans of this succinct writing style can congregate and read your stories and give you their feedback.
This week I admit I’m pushing some boundaries in my story.  It’s true that it could be considered in bad taste and that I did nudge past the word limit a little (I’m so not worthy of being a Centusian!) but it was unavoidable.  When your muse tells you to write something or face total creative meltdown, it’s wise to just go with it and let the chips fall.  So I apologize in advance to anyone who gets offended by this piece due to its vulgar nature, although I did utilize the word “bleep” in lieu of the actual words in a half-hearted attempt at trying to be sensitive to the feelings of others. 

This week’s Saturday Centus effort is entitled:

A Tender Bleeping Jersey Moment

Vacationing in Florida, a father and his young daughter stroll through a snow-covered orange grove.

“Daddy, what’s with the *bleep* snow on these oranges?  We get enough *bleep* snow in Jersey.”

“*Bleep* but that’s a stupid question.  You’re really retarded, you know that?”

 “So what are we doing here anyway?  This don’t look like no *bleep*  fun.”

“Memories.  This is where I first *bleep* yo’ mama and got her knocked up wit you.”

“That’s *bleep* gross.  That still doesn’t tell me why there’s snow on these *bleep*  oranges.”

“*Bleep* where do you think frozen orange juice comes from?  Sometimes you are such a *bleep*  idiot, Snooki!”

**Readers familiar with American popular culture will hopefully recognize the reference to Snooki, an orange-skinned, foul-mouthed  little troll a reality TV “celebrity” who appears in the popular television show, “The Jersey Shore.”  

Jenny Matlock

Please post complaints in the comments section   
and be brief as space is limited.



  1. I haven't watched Jersey Shore, but I have seen Snooki in pictures and on talk shows. This is a totally believable scenario!

  2. I laughed out loud. Even though I have an aversion to all things Jersey shore this tickled my funny bone. I also laughed when you admitted you went over the "100 word limit". Somehow that didn't surprise me! Have a great day!

  3. Ah, I have never seen the Jersey Shore, but I get the idea. I think it might be a *bleeping* program!

    Sorry about the cold and hope you get it pickled soon!

  4. Oh, Tom... Tom... I get the feeling...
    I hope you get over your cold soon. Be careful not to drink too much...

    I don't understand why you participate in SC. It is obvious that you want to write lots and lots of uncensored text. There's a novel-writing site every November. (NaNoWriMo: )
    You get to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I tried to write for four days, but did not have the time to keep up with it. So I dropped out. But you could have poured out your novel in no time at all.

    I could just hopp over your blog post and not bother to leave a comment at all. But that's not how we are supposed to do it, if we are going to get anything out of these exercises.

    I think you have enormous potential, Tom. But you really need to try learning something about editing what you write.

    Please, please take good care of yourself, Tom.
    Best wishes,
    Anna's SC#36

  5. Tom,
    Thank you for explaining what Jersey Shore is. That was kind of you to do that.
    Anna's SC#36

  6. Ahhhh yes, Snookie from Jersey Shores (what a waste of good television air time).. my kids watch that show (and once I sat balanced on the arm of the chair mesmerized watching an epsiode or two, right in a is somehow spellbinding, however stupid and pointless)..anyway, great job (as usual).

    PS...I loved your creativity in getting around Jenny's no bad, (no fun) bleepin bleepity bleep words rule.

  7. My daughter finds that show absolutely hysterical. I, on the other hand, lived on the East Coast for a while. She doesn't believe me when I tell her those people really exist. And that BLEEP is used as noun, verb and adjective. Hope you get over your cold soon, Tom. Oh, and if you need another reason to down some more Scotch, did you know that she who I refuse to name (yes, the character in your Centus today) has "written" a book. I kid you not. And we can't get published? PLEASE! Kat

  8. omg. that was the best story ever!!!!! You honestly made me laugh out loud. (didn't even use the short form on that one :)

  9. Ok, being from Philly, I'm lovin' the Jersey shore spin! As for the cold theory... I believe, if you create a hostile enough environment, the germs can't live from the start:@)

  10. Hahaha I haven't seen the show but I feel like this could be an exact transcript pulled from it. Dialect, bleeps and all. The title is a perfect preface too!

    Haha this may be "final Centus on Earth" according to the Mayan calendar. Well we may be dealing with alien blogs this year b/c according to Sylvia Brown, 2011 is the year aliens decide to show themselves to us... Really?

  11. Snooki scares me. (hic)Might I suggest a little vinooooo? :)~Ames

    I always like your contibutions even if they do go over the 100 words! :)

  12. Haven't seen the show, but I've sure seen Snooki. She is one fascinating individual!

    Don't tell, but I laughed. (Ssssh!) Hope you don't get too many raps from Miss Jenny's ruler.


    PS. Get well soon!

  13. No idea of the show. I'm probably glad I haven't seenit if I'm honest!!;)

  14. much like many posters, I have not seen the show, but I was also NOT offended at your use of bleep, of course I subbed in the real word in my head, and totally enjoyed reading/picturing these two in the grove

  15. I'm going to go to *bleep* Florida next week so I sure as hell hope there's no *bleep* snow on the oranges then! We have enough *bleep* snow here in Upstate New York.

  16. Eeek. I'm not sure if I should post.

    All of your other commenters are of a higher caliber than moi.

    I admit that I enjoy watching that trainwreck of a show.

    It's soooo absurd and over the top, that's it's like the car wreck on the side of the road, you gotta slow down and take a looky loo.

    I had heard about Snooki this and that and had to find out for myself.

    Now, I count it as one of (many) guilty pleasures.

    And you TOTALLY captured it.

    Very well, sir!


  17. I've never seen that show. Thanks for the explaination. Sounds like an interesting character. :)

  18. Oh Tom, I am still laughing. Every *bleepin* word had me in stitches. Nicely played! One need not watch Jersey Shore to appreciate your clever use of the facts that Snooki has orange skin and lacks a brain cell.

    PS I didn't make it to class this week, but I'm glad to make the rounds. I think I'll just copy off of your paper next time.

  19. That was bleepin' FUNNY!!!! You crack me up!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day, too!

  20. i think i just p@*# a little. that was hilarious, and of course you must be one of those extra special Centusians ... the brave new world will need your humour ... and some scotch ... to continue the Centus work ... oh and the description of that orange troll was so perfect!

    I dont know what i liked better, the preamble or the entry, but it was all very very good!

  21. Honestly *bleep*, don't know what I liked more...the *bleep* that came before the tale or holy*bleep* the hilarious conversation that *bleep* followed... ;)I have missed both catching up...

  22. haha loved the *bleeps and how i could fill in my own naughty words for the story!! very clever

  23. Mr. Goette,

    I do not know Snooki, neither do I care to do so at this time.

    Please consider this your official warning for loqaciousness AND a slight leaning away from the PG mandated rating of this meme.

    In authorative sincerety,

    Ms. Jennifer Matlock


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