Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Oh No, You Didn't! A Saturday Centus


Jenny Matlock

It’s Hammer Time!

I mean it’s Saturday Centus Time!  (Almost the same thing, except the wardrobe doesn’t include parachute pants.)   It’s time for us Centusians and wannabe Centusians to step up to this fun literary challenge hosted by the phenomenally creative Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent….

Actually it was Saturday Centus time, oh…back on Saturday and now it’s Wednesday and it’s just a tad bit pathetic being the last hold-out Centusian to offer up my little 100 word snippet at this late date, but I have an excuse.   I was really busy.  (I guess the rest of you just sit around on your hands all week waiting for Saturday to roll around so you have something to do, right?  LOL!)

This last week I started a financial accounting class and I think I may have uncovered a hidden passion I never knew existed!  With all the reading and paper writing I’ve done in this class so far I’ve come to the conclusion that I was born to work as an accountant!  No really!  I mean, writing is okay, but wow…doing transaction analysis is just downright sexy!  Plus, what better way to surround yourself with accountant groupies!

No wonder the chicks dig accountants.  My professor is a CPA and he exhibits all the tell-tale signs that he is one of the uber-cool accountancy elite!  As I watched him up there at the podium  last night, I could see how the ladies were captivated by him and how they hung on his every word…sort of like that little blob of spit that hung on the edge of his lower lip but refused to release its hold.

Does he even know how much he is affecting them, I wondered.  Oh, he must.  Accountants are like James Bond, except they use a calculator instead of a gun.  I want that!  I want to manipulate numbers in various financial statements and have women fall at my feet with unequivocal adoration.  

With great passion he described the gorgeous perfection that is an income statement as beads of sweat trickled unabated from his shiny, mostly-bald head.  My female classmates stared as if in a trance as he mopped his brow, being careful not to disturb his carefully placed comb-over or bump his thick, horn-rimmed glasses.   

Perhaps it was the way his skin-tight sweater vest caressed his pear-shaped body while his pocket protector strained against the light blue cotton/poly fibers.  Maybe it was the way he finished every sentence with the word, “okay?” or how his shirt wasn’t tucked in in the back.  All I know is that accountants are the new rock stars these days, baby, so hold on to your audit forms and get ready for the awesome spectacle of month end closing! 

But I digress.  Sorry, but it’s hard to focus on writing when your mind is fixated on balance sheets and accruals.  Now I know what my brother Steve thinks about!  And all this time I thought he was just dull.  (Just kidding, Steve…you know I think stamp collecting is way underrated.)

As for Ms. Jenny’s rules, you all know them…100 words only not including the prompt, no cuss words, no pictures and no splitting the prompt.  Other than that you can go total ape-stuff and write whatever and however you want.  You can even write rambling intros that have nothing whatsoever to do with the story if you are so inclined.  You’ve got a week to post it to Jenny’s meme post so that all of your fellow Centusians (and a few honorary Centusians) have an opportunity to read your story and leave you a comment.

This week’s prompt is “If I had a hammer…”

Here’s my tardy entry into this week’s literary stew.  I have entitled it:

Oh No, You Didn't!

The deceased, a 54-year-old black woman named Jeannie Perkins, was just the latest casualty of domestic violence to arrive here at the Shelby County morgue.

The report suggested the cause of death was blunt force trauma which, looking at the fractured skull fragments and numerous round indentations, was hard to refute. 

Of course finding the bloodied hammer beside the body was a pretty obvious clue as well.

But policy was that an autopsy must be conducted anyway, even with irrefutable evidence.

As he prepared the body he caught himself humming “If I had a hammer...” and winced in embarrassment.

“Sorry, Jeannie,” he said, “my bad."

Jenny Matlock

Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd
All wights wesewved


  1. That's a powerful one, Tom. I like it; it's sadly, morbidly realistic.

    PS I would suggest changing your blog to "Adult Content Only" status, if you persist with those steamy accountant stories. I had to open my sliding door to get a cool breeze going.


  2. Hahaha morbid and funny yet realistic! My favorite combo ever!!

    This is good but I must criticize. I have never heard this hammer song before. Just looked it up. You should have hammered this song into my brain as a child if not for the sole purpose of foreseeing one day you would have a blog, reference it, and I'd be confused. fail.

  3. The hammer song ingeniously used LOL ... brilliant!

  4. Tom, first off, I loved this! Anyone who has worked in traumatic situations knows that dark humor is the only way to get through sometimes. You really captured this brilliantly. Second, I cannot believe that you didn't teach your daughter this song growing up. Shame on you, it's an American classic! Kat

  5. Whack! That's for the heavy sarcasm about accountants. At least I hope it was sarcasm. I read accounting books to sleep at night.


    Whack! Oh, sorry. I got carried away with the hammer.

    You said a lot in your 100 words. Good job.

  6. That was a good one! I hope you won't stop blogging when you get surrounded by your accountant groupies!

  7. Cute. As for the accountant thing? Will you be adopting a nom de calculator, such as Bland...James Bland?

  8. Ha! That would be so me, if I worked at a morgue.

    If I had a pistol...
    If I had a rifle....

    Thank goodness there are no guns in the Quirky Household.

  9. Well, you've don it again! You have outwritten us. We have come to expect it, though!

  10. What a great post since it' domestic violence awareness month. Loved the quirky ending, ha. Great job.

    I don't get it about the math. My eyes just glaze over when it comes to that. I do admire a man who knows math though lol.

  11. I forgot how much I laugh when I stop by. Good stuff, my friend!

  12. Yuck! Funny use of the prompt!! :)

  13. I am SO glad I forgot my soda on the other side of the room, as I am pretty sure that if I was drinking and reading this it would have come out my nose.

  14. ::scowling at your cliche description of accountants::

    Numbers are sexy. 'Nuff said?

    Your 100 words remind me of Ducky on NCIS. Great write.

  15. Yes it is a good story. But... Next time try to write a story that you could read to a six-year old or an eight-year-old with a clear conscience.

    I've decided to write a new non-violent hammer-SC post, and add it on to this week's post as a 'P.S.' if the link is closed when I get it done.

    It's nice to have you with us! You write interesting stuff, even if I am not always on the same page with you!

    Best wishes,
    Anna's SC Week 23

  16. A bit ghoulish but understandable! Well done Sir!

  17. An accountant, eh? Having been a bookkeeper of sorts, I could attest that manipulating numbers is easier than manipulating words, but confess that I'm better at creative accounting than creative writing.

    Ha! I had that stupid song in my head all week. Love your take on it, though.

  18. Hi Tom...your post held personal significance, because my father was a CPA. I hate to tell you my friend...I think funeral directors have more exciting personae...Which leads me to your story...I have been watching the old HBO series Six Feet Under, and your little centus had the same kind of black humor. Nice job!

  19. Hey, did you send this intro into the Penthouse Accountant Forum. I'm tellin' ha. I thought amazing word crafters were kinda/sorta sexy all on their own...but this...

    It takes me back to my first boss. A man who could well be your professor now.

    It was the blob of spit, forming and reforming lines from chapped lower to upper lip that made me catch my breath.



    Did you write a story here.

    I forget.

    Oh yea. The stories OK. It's definitely the accountant that was enumeratingly hot.


    My bad, too!

    Thanks for the laugh, Tom. You are definitely one of a kind!

  20. tom,

    amazing. only you could write an intro that garners almost as many comments as your centus.

    my brother is a cpa and he is HOT and doesn't even know it.

    as for your centus, dark humor is a great vehicle for awareness of social sickness. great reminder that we all should be fighting domestic violence.

    as usual, your writing is tight and very visual.



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