Thursday, June 10, 2010

Email Your Way To Extra Inches And Nigerian Riches!

Everyday it’s the same. I open up my email and there, amongst the job leads, college correspondence and bloggy stuff, is a crapload of junk e-mails commonly known as spam.

Now ordinarily I get about a half dozen Nigerian scams, phishing scams, and the typical ads about credit scores, air fares, technical schools, ink and toner deals and stuff like that, but there are also those that pop up so frequently that it’s gotten downright annoying.

More specifically, what’s all the commotion about my penis?

It disturbs me that so many companies feel we men are so damn obsessive about our penises (penni?) that we need to be constantly bombarded with how apparently impotent and deficient we are. With all the ads for penis drugs and penis herbs and penis surgery and penis creams, I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t get a separate email address just for my penis. (Sorry, but there will be no profile picture.)

Seriously, haven’t we all had enough of penis-related emails? “Power up your pork rocket,” “Empower your fleshy thing,” “Say STOP to rod weakness,” “Give her ham wallet good drilling,” “Be young down there,” “YOU DESERVE MONSTER DONG,” “Enlarge your baby-maker size,” and “Set your wife on fire” are just a few examples. (Actually I just assume the last one is about penis size. I could be wrong.)

But today, besides repeating the word penis more in a single post than I ever thought I would in the duration of my blog, I have decided to use some of this spam as targets to vent my frustration. The spam subject lines are in bold:

Penis Enlargement Works‏
Sure, everyone knows that. But is there a penis reduction for guys like me so they don’t feel like they are committing attempted murder every time they have sex? (Yeah, okay…we can dream.)

Christian Singles – Meet Singles With Christian Values
Why? Well, because your life is way too fun and exciting and you need to take it down about a thousand notches, that’s why!

Satisfy Any Woman
Seriously? Are they ever really satisfied?

Financial Aid – Student loans help finance further study!
Wow, who knew? And all this time I thought it was to help pay for building a meth lab. Boy, is my face red.

Liberty Medical – Your free glucose meter is waiting for you
Sorry I’m late! I got held up at my lunch meeting with proctoscope and enema bag. Next time we get an outside table.

WebMD – Get Lush, Sexy Lashes
And then what? Vajazzle my mangina?

Last Minute Gift - We Have The Answer
If the question is “Will I be dumb enough to listen to last minute gift-giving advice from some spammer who thinks I should buy something pictured on the internet from some company I’ve never heard of and count on them to deliver it to the right place on time?” then I bet you do have the answer.

Gain Credibility by Maximizing Your Productivity
And if you fail to maximize your productivity, just lie about it and say you did. (This works especially well for politicians.)

Non-profit job from home
But wait, isn’t that what I have now?

Single Christians In Your Area Are Looking For You
Hide me for Christ sakes! Whatever it is, I didn’t do it, I swear! I wasn’t even there! No, wait, Scientologists drugged me and forced me to do it. And I was too drunk to remember! HELP!

Please be assured that the above was written only in fun and if I have offended anyone, I am very sorry as that was definitely not my intention.  It was meant only for me to blow off a little steam about spammers and not to anger, titillate or otherwise elicit any emotions other than amusement from my readers.  If, however you were offended by my use of the word, "Penis", I do apologize and promise I will try very, very hard not to do so in the future. 

And for the rest of you,  "Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis and penis."


  1. "Vajazzle my mangina?"




  2. Hilarious!

    YOU DESERVE MONSTER DONG? Is that like Donkey Kong? Maybe they meant "bong" and that's why the Christians are after you.


  3. I know what you mean. They pop up unexpectedly, and I've gotta just blow 'em off. I mean, come on. I hand it to you for putting it out there. Your position's clear. So let me quit while I'm a head or behind or suffer from penis envy or some other weird disease. [Maybe you should get virus protection.]
    Apologies for all that I just spewed. xoR

  4. Ummm...uhhh...okay....let's see...uhhh.....I wanna say.....

  5. Only marginally connected to your post but today I had to make a mock-up of a talking penis with Howie Mandel's head. I'm not even kidding. I'm still traumatized. I'm not going to get into it.

  6. I feel so cheated. I don't get ANY spam.

  7. You and Ms. Anthropy should trade email addresses for know, just to change things up a bit!

  8. "“Set your wife on fire” are just a few examples. (Actually I just assume the last one is about penis size. I could be wrong.)"


  9. said a mouthful! (Mischievous grin....) Very funny stuff as usual. Seriously, I hope our spam-catchers keep working, because some of these spam messages carry viruses (virii?)that can really mess up a computer. Some of these spammers are just too cocky.

  10. Hilarious! I'm always saddened thinking that there are people gullible enough to open the email and then even respond - why else would they keep sending it?
    But do run from those single Christians. That just spells trouble.

  11. I was totally not offended by "penis"...and as you can see from the tags on my blog(LOL) either is anyone else...and to that you can also see that no one is offended by poop, porn or breasts either...I think we all secretly Loooove to talk about tit...oooops.."it"..I mean..yeah and those too...BwHahahah..!

  12. Just got my cheque for $500.

    Sometimes people don't believe me when I tell them about how much money you can earn taking paid surveys online...

    So I show them a video of myself getting paid $500 for filling paid surveys.


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