"A Love In Limbo," A Saturday Centus

Thank you for stopping by for this week’s round of Saturday Centus, a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog, Jenny Matlock ...off on my tangent....

Every Saturday she posts a "prompt," a phrase that must be used in the essays of each contributor. Each story must contain the prompt as written and be a total of 100 words or less, not including the prompt words.  You have all week to submit your essay so don't stress!  One thing though, you can't use any vulgarity in your story.  I know, that totally $@%&!!

After posting their stories, the writers link up with Jenny's Saturday Centus meme post so that we can all share our treatment on the prompt.  Stop by and visit!  There are some amazing stories already posted, and at only 100 words long, they won't trouble your ADD one bit!

This week I opted to avoid the grisly task of chopping my baby (or what some refer to as “editing”) by instead taking the prompt and one or two key words and building the story around them. Instead of chopping my baby, I gradually expanded it until it reached the 100 word limit and stopped. Let me tell you, it was much easier blowing up my baby than it was chopping my baby.

Of course that probably had a lot to do with the crucial key words I chose to focus my story around. For this week’s contribution, I started with the prompt and the words “the” and “her” and the story basically just wrote itself. You should try it! For my next story I am thinking of doing a 15th century historical piece set in Scotland focusing around the word “skyscraper.”

There I go again, off on my tangent! (Sorry Jenny, it had to be done.)

The author of this week’s prompt is Jeff Campbell of the wildly imaginative blog, Tennessee Mudbug. Thanks to Jeff for lending his creative flair! You certainly didn’t make it easy on me.

Here is this week's prompt:

"Did you notice Elizabeth in class this morning and how forlorn she seemed?" Perhaps I will write her a comforting note, I thought.

Here is my effort this week. I call it “Gilbert And The Giant Psychotic Space Penguin From Planet X.”

Eek, too long!   I’ll just call it:

A Love In Limbo

She sat frozen on the bench outside the library staring out into space, not even reacting as the lunch bell blared above her.

Jenny motioned to her and sighed,

"Did you notice Elizabeth in class this morning and how forlorn she seemed?"

Perhaps I will write her a comforting note, I thought.

Ah, but I knew her sadness was deeply rooted and no mere words could change that.

It had been six weeks since Trevor had mysteriously disappeared.   By now, most had assumed the worst and moved on.

But not Elizabeth.

Her love for him was unwavering, and she would wait forever to hold him in her arms once again.

In her heart, she knew that he would return someday.

Until then, all she could do was pray that her little Yorkie was somewhere safe.

Hey buddy, you got one hundred words to spare?

Writing Is My Life!

When I started this blog almost 10 months ago, it was to rekindle the creative spark in my soul that had long gone dormant. Not only was it an outlet for my writing, it represented what I believed to be my next step in a process that started in my childhood, to become a published writer and not just a writer in my own mind.

When I was a young lad, I would sit at my little child-sized desk and chair out in the backyard under a shady tree with my crayons and a stack of blank paper and write and illustrate stories. Often my mom would bring me a PB & J sandwich* cut into four little squares and a glass of milk because that’s what moms did back then. My mind was always swirling with creative ideas which I had to capture on paper. I didn’t think of myself as a writer then. I was just a little boy who had better skills at imagining adventures than hitting home runs, so that’s what I did.

In school my favorite subject was English because it let me indulge my passion for writing and introduced me to the concept of reading for pleasure. I enjoyed the recognition my teachers bestowed upon me for my written works and felt so proud whenever they read my stories aloud to the class. Some teachers even went as far as to call my parents to gush about my “gift.” It was clear that whatever I decided to do in life, writing would be a meaningful part of it. I still didn’t think of myself as a writer then. I was just a student of the craft then, soaking up as much knowledge and style as I could.

When I reached high school I was dismayed that my school didn’t have a newspaper, so I focused on writing in various English and creative writing classes. Although that was fun, it didn’t give me the outlet I needed. By this time my fascination had been captured by the writers and columnists I read in the local newspaper and I thought “Hey, I could do that!” What was even more fun was that it was a good way to interject my sense of humor, much like an Erma Bombeck, Dave Barry, Herb Caen, or Art Hoppe had done. I decided then that I would make my fortune as a journalist. I still didn’t think of myself as a writer, though. A writer wasn’t a writer until he had readers, and at that time I did not.

In my college years I pursued a journalism degree and worked on the school paper for a couple years. I wrote a weekly humor column, editorials, features and news stories and thought that this was it. I felt so at home in the newsroom, chasing after deadlines, and sometimes spending long hours working on a story, but I loved every damn minute of it. My heroes back then were writers such as Hunter S. Thompson (the father of Gonzo Journalism) and Tom Robbins. I still didn’t think of myself as a writer, though. A writer was someone who was published, and I didn’t consider my limited exposure as a freelancer or student journalist as worthy of the title.

Now, more than 40 years later, I find myself in my own backyard, under a shady gazebo, drinking my coffee, and sitting at my patio table with my laptop. When I’m not working on a school assignment, I’m typing out stories or ideas for stories for my blog. While the realization of my dream of being a published writer still eludes me, that desire still burns within me as it did for that little boy who lived about two miles from here and who believed in himself, even if he couldn’t hit a curveball to save his life.

I know many bloggers here are or were professional writers and I am envious beyond words regarding their good fortunes and amazing skills. I also realize that there are many more like me who aspire to be writers and earn a living by using their talents and deep passion for the written word. To those people I have but one thing to say. Whether you are paid or not and whether your words ever reach a mass audience, I think of all of you as writers, and I am proud to count myself as included within your ranks.

Why the change of heart? Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the great swell of bloggy love and support from your comments whenever I have the occasion to post a story. Maybe it’s the realization that I don’t need someone or something to define who I am using some arbitrary criteria. Or maybe it was something as subtle as a Father’s Day gift from my daughter Lissa that drove the point home for me. The point is, I am a writer, and now I have the coffee cup to prove it.

*Little research has been done on the consumption of PB & J sandwiches and their effect on the creative process, but if I had to speculate, I would definitely say that it is profound, particularly if the jelly is grape and the peanut butter is of the chunky persuasion.

A Father's Day To Remember

A Saturday Centus

Welcome to my contribution for week 7 of the Saturday Centus, a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog, Jenny Matlock ...off on my tangent.... Every Saturday she posts a "prompt," a phrase that must be used in the essays of each contributor. Each story must contain the prompt as written and be a total of 100 words or less, not including the prompt words. After posting their stories, the writers link up with Jenny's Saturday Centus meme post so that we can all share our treatment on the prompt.

For this week's Saturday Centus, I was again put in the unenviable position of editing my story down to a paltry 100 words plus the prompt.  To me, my words are those thoughts that I gave life to, my babies in a sense, so trimming them from the story, or "chopping my babies" as I sometimes refer to it, is an emotional experience. 

I love my babies just the way they are, whether they are 167 words or 191 words, and though it's required that I gut them regularly to get to the correct word count for this meme, I weep for all the chopped up baby parts that didn't make the final cut.  Someday I'm going to have to reassemble my babies in their word-rich original format so that they can once again dance in the fluid fields of verbosity. 

But I digress.

This week's prompt was appropriately focused on the Father's Day holiday by that prince of prompts, Mr. Jenny!  Here is this week's prompt.

It was Fathers Day, 1984, when I heard that voice in the hallway...

And here is my  chopped baby version greatly abridged take on it which I've entitled:

A Father's Day To Remember

It was Fathers Day, 1984, when I heard that voice in the hallway...

It was my brother Jimmy crying on the phone.

“He doesn’t know about dad yet and I’m not telling him. Why? How do you tell someone that his life will never, ever be the same? You do it, Mark. He trusts you."

Dreadful images of pain and loss flashed before my eyes, paralyzing me with such profound grief.

It would be two hours before I heard him knock on the door…two hours of tearful moans of deep despair.

“Jeff, open up it’s me, Mark!”

Slowly the door opened revealing Mark’s big smiling face.

“Dude, dad won the lottery! We’re rich!

Come on and join in the baby chopping fun. 

You know you want to...

A Homecoming - A Saturday Centus

Have you filled out your Saturday Centus? 

If you don’t want Jenny knocking on your door, you better get on it!
  
You only have one week to give up your 100 word literary creations.  If you don’t, well, you might just set off a chain reaction of such cataclysmic proportions that all life on Earth will cease to exist.

Okay, true, it might not happen, but are you willing to take the risk? Tough decision…don’t write one and possibly kill every life form, including puppies and kitties and big cuddly belephants (baby elephants), or submit one and be the hero that quite possibly saved the entire human race.  You could be famous!  You might even get your picture on a lunch box!

Ah, there you go….I knew that was too tempting to resist!

For those of you new to Saturday Centus, and therefore completely baffled at what I am rambling on about, it is a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog, Jenny Matlock ...off on my tangent.... Every Saturday she posts a "prompt," a phrase that must be used in the essays of each contributor.

Each story must contain the prompt as written and be a total of 100 words or less, not including the prompt words. After posting their stories, the writers link up with Jenny's Saturday Centus meme post so that we can all share our treatment on the prompt.

Here is this week’s challenging prompt, finely scripted by the illustrious, Mr. Jenny:

It’s true, the smell of freshly mowed grass can stay with you for years, for decades,

Here is my take on this week’s prompt.  I’m calling it:

A Homecoming

It had been years since Bryan, Lissa and I had been back home to Manteca again.

Memories of soccer and T-ball games, picnics and walks with the beagles flooded back as we strolled the verdant fields and shady pines of Northgate Park, the scene of so much joy growing up.

We laughed and told stories from their childhood and reminisced about the good times here as the gentle Delta breezes carried their funky payload.

It’s true, the smell of freshly mowed grass can stay with you for years, for decades, but so too could the smell of their mother’s awful cooking. 

“Come on, guys.  Let’s go to Taco Bell.” 

Just like it was yesterday.

Click on the button and start your own adventure!

Email Your Way To Extra Inches And Nigerian Riches!

Everyday it’s the same. I open up my email and there, amongst the job leads, college correspondence and bloggy stuff, is a crapload of junk e-mails commonly known as spam.

Now ordinarily I get about a half dozen Nigerian scams, phishing scams, and the typical ads about credit scores, air fares, technical schools, ink and toner deals and stuff like that, but there are also those that pop up so frequently that it’s gotten downright annoying.

More specifically, what’s all the commotion about my penis?

It disturbs me that so many companies feel we men are so damn obsessive about our penises (penni?) that we need to be constantly bombarded with how apparently impotent and deficient we are. With all the ads for penis drugs and penis herbs and penis surgery and penis creams, I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t get a separate email address just for my penis. (Sorry, but there will be no profile picture.)

Seriously, haven’t we all had enough of penis-related emails? “Power up your pork rocket,” “Empower your fleshy thing,” “Say STOP to rod weakness,” “Give her ham wallet good drilling,” “Be young down there,” “YOU DESERVE MONSTER DONG,” “Enlarge your baby-maker size,” and “Set your wife on fire” are just a few examples. (Actually I just assume the last one is about penis size. I could be wrong.)

But today, besides repeating the word penis more in a single post than I ever thought I would in the duration of my blog, I have decided to use some of this spam as targets to vent my frustration. The spam subject lines are in bold:

Penis Enlargement Works‏

Sure, everyone knows that. But is there a penis reduction for guys like me so they don’t feel like they are committing attempted murder every time they have sex? (Yeah, okay…we can dream.)

Christian Singles – Meet Singles With Christian Values

Why? Well, because your life is way too fun and exciting and you need to take it down about a thousand notches, that’s why!

Satisfy Any Woman
Seriously? Are they ever really satisfied?

Financial Aid – Student loans help finance further study!
Wow, who knew? And all this time I thought it was to help pay for building a meth lab. Boy, is my face red.

Liberty Medical – Your free glucose meter is waiting for you
Sorry I’m late! I got held up at my lunch meeting with proctoscope and enema bag. Next time we get an outside table.

WebMD – Get Lush, Sexy Lashes
And then what? Vajazzle my mangina?

Last Minute Gift - We Have The Answer
If the question is “Will I be dumb enough to listen to last minute gift-giving advice from some spammer who thinks I should buy something pictured on the internet from some company I’ve never heard of and count on them to deliver it to the right place on time?” then I bet you do have the answer.

Gain Credibility by Maximizing Your Productivity
And if you fail to maximize your productivity, just lie about it and say you did. (This works especially well for politicians.)

Non-profit job from home
But wait, isn’t that what I have now?

Single Christians In Your Area Are Looking For You
Hide me for Christ sakes! Whatever it is, I didn’t do it, I swear! I wasn’t even there! No, wait, Scientologists drugged me and forced me to do it. And I was too drunk to remember! HELP!

Please be assured that the above was written only in fun and if I have offended anyone, I am very sorry as that was definitely not my intention.  It was meant only for me to blow off a little steam about spammers and not to anger, titillate or otherwise elicit any emotions other than amusement from my readers.  If, however you were offended by my use of the word, "Penis", I do apologize and promise I will try very, very hard not to do so in the future. 

And for the rest of you,  "Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis and penis."

That's Love "Bloggy Style," With A "BL"

My bloggy life is in a shambles.  I can't seem to post as often as I would like to and I feel as if my mind has been sucked dry (and not in a good way.) Things have changed for me recently and I’ve been really remiss about reading blogs, following blogs, commenting on blogs…in fact all things blog, so if I have missed you I am sorry and hopefully it's only a temporary situation until I get my shit stuff together. You see, at 47 years of age I have gone back to college to finish my degree and am just getting used to the drudgery of the assigned readings, homework assignments and term papers required of me.

“But Tom,” I hear you say, “what could there be that you don’t already know?”  That's a fair question.

Well, I’ll tell you. There’s plenty I don’t know. And rather than continuing to bullshit my way through life (not that that is a bad thing) I decided to finish college so I could cross it off my bucket list and hopefully someday prove to be a useful member of society instead of simply a burden. We can dream!

In this quiet interim between assignments, while my mind is temporarily available for bloggy thingamajigs, I wanted to acknowledge some awards recently conferred upon yours truly and pass them onto some very deserving blogger faves of my own.

Firstly, I wanted to thank the Unfinished Rambler of “An Unfinished Person (in this unfinished universe)” for bestowing upon me the coveted Sunshine Award! He is one of the funniest bloggers around and if you are ever in need of some cheering up, the solution is just a click away!  Check him out if you haven't already.

While one might assume that this award was intended for bright, sunny or shiny people as I did, that simply is not the case. Rather “the Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world.” I’m rather afraid to ask what it is I inspire (Dry heaving? Teeth clenching? Painful rectal itching?), so I will leave it to you to decide.

As awards usually do, this one comes with a bevy of rules which I am obliged to follow, including:

1. Post a link on your blog to the person’s blog who gave you the award. Okay will do.
2. Pass the award on to 12 other bloggers. Seriously? Twelve? That’s a lot of peeps!
3. Put a link on your blog to all the recipients blogs. Ugh! Sounds like work to me.
4. Leave a comment on the 12 blogs and inform them of the award. I can do this.
5. Place the award on your blog. Lucky for me there’s always room for awards!

The hardest part of getting awards is deciding upon whom to give them to, but thanks to minutes of weary analysis, supplemented by the wise and mysterious Magic 8 Ball, I have chosen the following as worthy recipients of this award because they inspire me and more than fit the criteria for this award. Please check out their blogs and see for yourself!

My twelve picks are injaynesworld, The Blog O’Cheese, Calvin’s Canadian Cave of Coolness, NOT WORTH MENTIONING, The Non-Review, Experiments in Authenticity, Quirkyloon, The Good Girls, Becky*Povich*Writer-Humorist*Bliss Follower, The World According To Donut Girl and Naked Cupcakes.

A heartfelt thank you goes out to Ms. Anthropy for my second award, the Versatile Blogger Award. If you haven’t had the pleasure or reading her, she is a beloved blogger and a wonderful writer with a great sense of humor! Please do yourself a favor and swing by and check her out at Ms. Anthropy…Sarcastic Granny.

This award is said to recognize bloggers who have special mutant powers  think George W. Bush was underrated  have been abducted by aliens are amazingly talented writers with God-like qualities who raise the bar where blogging is concerned. Or something like that. There may even be a parade, I dunno. (I tend to doubt it, though.)

The rules of this award are that I have to tell you seven things about myself that you don’t know and then I have to send this award to 15 bloggers. Not bloody likely! That seems like a lot, but I will try and see what I can do.

1. Someday I hope to move to somewhere along the Oregon coastline. (I’ll never pump my own gas again!)

2. I have a large collection of stuffed beagles and beagle paraphernalia. (Oh, like you don’t?)

3. I don’t watch much TV, but when I do, I enjoy The Office, Family Guy, The Big Bang Theory and most anything on MSNBC. (Sorry Fox News. I get my fantasy from movies.)

4. I collect comic books. There, I said it! (Use comment section below for snarky remarks)

5. Pets dressed in high-fashion clothes, especially high heels or kicky boots, make me want to hurl. (You listening, Paris?)

6. I am one of the least obsessive people I know. (Crazy people make me feel less weird.)

7. I briefly sold new and used cars for a living. (Everything you’ve heard - i.e. drugs, sex, cannibalism -  is all true.)

I would like to pass this award on to some of my favorite bloggers, so they in turn can pay it forward to their own favorites. My blog picks for receiving this award are:

Hollywood Spy, nonamedufus, I Think It’s Interesting, Pearl, Why You Little …, Confessions of a Reforming Geek, How To Become A Cat Lady…Without The Cats, Sagittiferously Yours, Scrappin’ My Bliss, Adventures of a Middle-Aged Drama Queen, Knucklehead!, Car Dancing, Here Is What I Think, Shink-wrapped Scream, I Shoulda Been A Stripper and Hillbilly Duhn’s Times & Tribulations.

If you are not familiar with any of these blogs, I highly recommend you follow the links to their pages and read and follow them. If you don’t, I might just have to send you another award, and nobody wants that. Check ‘em out! Go on now, before I set the puppy after you and let him lick your faces.

Okay, right...did I mention he is a giant mutant puppy with a razor sharp tongue and that his saliva will burn you like acid?  Yeah...that's the ticket. 

Leave the giant panda bear alone, Whiskers!

Glad It Wasn't A Double Feature - A Saturday Centus

Well, it’s time once again to chop your babies and make literary magic!  That’s right, it’s time for Saturday Centus, a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog, Jenny Matlock ...off on my tangent.... Every Saturday she posts a "prompt," a phrase that must be used in the essays of each contributor.

Each story must contain the prompt as written and be a total of 100 words or less, not including the prompt words. After posting their stories, the writers link up with Jenny's Saturday Centus meme post so that we can all share our treatment on the prompt.

Come on, join the fun!  It's cheaper than therapy and gives you great practice at chopping your babies culling the words in your writing projects.

Here is this week’s prompt, lovingly crafted by that wordsmith himself, Mr. Jenny:

I settled into the comfortable movie theater seat with awkward 3D glasses perched on my nose, a small tub of popcorn on my lap, and a bottle of water lodged into the seat holder,

This is the treatment that I am offering up this week. But I warn you it might make you hungry. I call this:

Glad It Wasn’t A Double Feature

I settled into the comfortable movie theater seat with awkward 3D glasses perched on my nose, a small tub of popcorn on my lap, and a bottle of water lodged into the seat holder, restlessly anticipating the start of the film.

My date, Olivia, was busying herself arranging the feast of edibles she had so lovingly chosen to complement this cinematic experience.

In addition to the extra-large tub of heavily-buttered popcorn, she had ordered eight pepperoni mini-pizzas, six hot dogs, nachos, assorted candy, peanuts, pretzels, ice cream bars, cookies and two large diet Cokes.

At her feet, her backpack held three foot-long meatball sandwiches, four double bacon burgers, five bags of chips, eight pieces of chicken, coleslaw, mashed potatoes with gravy and biscuits.

I hoped the $185 I had spent would pay off afterwards.