Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Tom's Celebrity Corner

Today I am trying something different here at Sophisticated Lunacy. I've decided to do a celebrity gossip column where I can highlight some of the goings-ons of our famous actors, singers, politicians, reality TV wanna-be celebrities, sports figures and other famous people of note. I will, of course, be objective in my discussions of these people, even the really dopey ones. I may or may not continue to do this on a weekly basis. It depends upon how this one goes. So sit back and enjoy this celebrity roundtable and let me know if there's someone that I missed with my poison arrows discussing!

Police in New Jersey discovered the dismembered remains of a man and a woman in trash bags near an intersection. Thousands of phone callers flooded the police station switchboard asking if the dead female was Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” Sadly, they were informed that it was not.

President Obama threw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington National’s home opener on Monday. Unlike most presidents' historically weak first pitches where the ball bounces and rolls to the plate, Obama’s pitch was high and outside. Asked about the bad pitch, Fox News political pundit Glenn Beck claimed that the errant toss was a result of the president’s inability to control his ingrained Communist salute. Of course it was, Glenn. What other reason could there have been?

The continuing saga of Jon and Kate Gosselin has taken another step towards pseudo-celebrity irrelevance. Jon, a former star of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 reality TV show (and celebrated douche bag), is suing Kate for primary custody of their 8 kids for being "an absentee mom." Kate is currently extending her 15 minutes of fame as a contestant on the "Dancing With The Stars" show, where she dances (most would say like a spastic robot) each week. Jon's lawyers claim that her appearance on that show demonstrates that she is not spending "quality time" with the eight little tax write-offs. Jon is seeking child support and alimony. Maybe he should seek some dignity and self-respect while at it.

Jesse James, cheating hubby of Sandra Bullock, apparently left the rehab facility he entered for sex addiction. After being caught cheating with multiple women, James entered rehab because he is desperately trying to save his marriage to the bank account...err, I mean, famous actress, and was distressed that she would not take his calls. Bullock appears to be continuing with plans to get a divorce and remains in a self-imposed seclusion. She denies reports that there is a graphic sex tape featuring her and James, though reports are that he is in possession of one and may use it as leverage in any future divorce proceedings. I personally emailed my suggestion to James for what I believe to be an elegant solution that will help him to reconcile his marriage with Bullock.

Problem:  Clearly Jesse is a sex maniac and the tramps he is cheating with aren't aware he is married.

Solution:   Tattoo "Sandra's Bitch" on Jesse's forehead and chop off his penis.

No word yet on whether James has made a decision to proceed with this or not. I will keep you posted.

After weeks of press about her marathon plastic surgeries, a US magazine article concerning reality TV star Heidi Montag, one half of the doltish duo, "Speidi" with husband Spencer Pratt, claims that the actress had the plastic surgery procedure known as a "back scoop" without even knowing what it was even for. "Eh, so they cut out part of my back. I can no longer hug people or jog. No big whoop." Is she sure she didn't have a lobotomy too? Maybe an anal/cranial inversion?

Harpo Productions announced that it will be airing the first televised interview with Rielle Hunter, the mistress of former Presidential candidate John Edwards, on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" at a future date. Hunter has a 2-year old daughter with Edwards and there is speculation that, since he is now separated from his wife Elizabeth, he is still tied romantically with her. This is yet another instance, such as with several of Tiger Woods' mistresses, where having an affair with a famous married man propels you into celebrity status. These whores are snapping up agents and publicists like crazy and making big money deals for things like TV and movie appearances, exclusive articles, public appearances, books, and so on. Then they are interviewed and we are supposed to feel sorry for them because they were such a "victim." Awww, poor little home wreckers. They remind me of another poor home wrecker, Monica Lewinsky, that poor rich girl.

I'm sure Elizabeth feels so bad for you, Rielle. How inconvenient of her to continue to live when John promised you that as soon as Elizabeth died (she has incurable stage IV breast cancer) that you and him would be married in a rooftop ceremony in New York and that the Dave Mathews Band would play. How good of you, Rielle, to appear on TV and in magazine articles as frequently as you do so Elizabeth has to continue to relive this public humiliation. Surely there is a place reserved for you and other cheating whores just like you. Oh right! Cable television.

Sarah Palin's "Real American Stories" debuted this week amid controversy. It seems that Fox News' may have taken the "Real" a bit out of context when it announced in their promos that they were going to have LL Cool J as a guest, unbeknownst to and without the permission of a certain LL Cool J. What Fox News had done is taken an interview he had done two years earlier with a different interviewer and packaged it to appear as if it was a current interview given by Palin. When he complained about being misrepresented like that to Fox News, they agreed to pull the segment.

A similar thing happened to country singer Toby Keith, who was surprised to find that they had presented an interview he had given to another group a year ago as a Palin interview as well. Just why did Fox News try to pass off old interviews as new ones? Was it because they have a growing fear every time Palin picks up a microphone that she is going to embarrass herself and the network? You betcha!

Well that’s all for Tom’s Celebrity Corner for now. Thank you for coming along on this excursion into the lives of the rich and famous. Perhaps later we can delve into the deep and highly spiritual mind of Amy Winehouse who said:

“I'm not religious at all. I think faith is something that gives you strength. I believe in fate and I believe that things happen for a reason but I don't think that there's a high power, necessarily. I believe in karma very much though. There are so many rude people around and they're the people that don't have any real friends. And relationships with people - with your mom, your nan, your dog...are what you get the most happiness in life from. Apart from shoes and bags.”

Fascinating stuff.  Probably the longest statement she's uttered without throwing up or passing out.  You go Amy!  See you all next time!


  1. I like your suggestion for Jesse James. Sandra should definitely go "Bobbitt!"

  2. Amy leaves me speechless....lookout Dalai Lama.

  3. I liked this! Keep them coming. I read somewhere that Sandra Bullock has an ironclad pre-nup. I hope so. Loved the scoop on Sarah Palin. Too funny!

  4. I do pity Heidi. That poor girl has no self esteem. And that Rielle Hunter... I hope karma gets her good.

  5. You know, I didn't consider myself educated until right now.

    A dude who makes a sex tape with his wife is one thing. They're married, big deal. A dude who threatens to make it public or benefit financially from it unless he gets something he wants from her, is an undisputed major asshole. (Or lady who does similar) What a douche.

    I'm sort of upset it wasn't Snooki myself. Little orange gnome.

    As for Sarah Palin, who is really surprised that her show is dishonest? No one that's who. :)

    Lovely column. Reading about celebs makes me feel better about myself.

  6. love it! your suggestion for jesse james is the same i've had for sex offenders for years. let's make it happen!

  7. Someone give that woman in the pic something to eat. FAST!

    And for God's sakes...get her out of the sun before she burns.

  8. Hmmm.. Fair is fair. Maybe another network can fashion an "interview" with Palin to showcase her vast "knowledge", and do so without penalty from the broadcast watchdogs...
    Or wait a minute.....we don't need to make one up, just repeat the ones she has already done for real....
    Tom, I would love to see more pieces like this...

  9. LOL!

    I love this series.

    I aspire to speak as eloquently as Amy.

    Um, no.

  10. I love your solution for Jesse James and your take on the Rielle Hunter/John Edwards fiasco. Couldn't agree with you more. This will be a great regular feature.

  11. I'm trying to get the sense of when the real news leaves off and your absurdity picks up, because that whole Fox changing interviews to make it look like Palin did it was the kidding part, right? RIGHT????

  12. I like lunacy's take on hollywood and head cases. Cool post. Oh and I agree with the group, the jesse punishment fits the crime.

  13. oh this is great...not having a TV, if you do this regularly you may become my newspaper. smiles.

  14. I've always been a fan of Sandra Bullock. I'm sad to see her being jilted by that no good husband of hers. She's such a sweet person to be in that situation. She doesn't deserve him. Good for her for divorcing him.

    Yeah, that Rielle woman should receive and experience the same thing that Elizabeth Edwards is experiencing right now. Better yet, I wish for Mrs. Edwards to make a miraculous recovery. That would really torment both Rielle and John to no end.

    You poo-poohed Palin. Wah!!! I happen to be a fan of hers. I'm not being sarcastic either. I like her show, but I agree with you. I'm disappointed that she's showing interviews that were not done by her. She should know better, eh? Being a one time media personality herself.


  15. So, lemme guess.....she had fat scooped out of her back and inserted into her boobs? They should have spread it around a bit, you know....she's looking a little emaciated-ish.

    Gosh you're a hoot. I'm following!

  16. Hello! I love this! I'm obsessed with shows like The Hills and Jersey Shore. I live in NJ by the way. The cops are wacky here though. Hardcore compared to Long Island where I'm from.

  17. lol! I love this series.... Every week sir.... We need this every week.... lol

  18. Amy Winehouse is sooooo profound. Has someone etched that quote in stone yet? Wait. She's stone. Umm....I mean she should be stoned. f

  19. I'm down with the new series. I think you should poke fun at Sarah Palin every week, but that might be a little like shooting fish in a barrel. Plus, she protects us from invading Soviets, so we should have a little respect.

    As for Jesse James - One chopped off body part might not be enough in my book.

  20. Keep cranking out the lunacy, Tom. It saves me from having to buy the trashy magazines and watch the trashy Tv. Jon is just now claiming that Kate is an absent mom? He's quite special. Who's going to watch the kids when he's in charge? Brangelina?

  21. Hilarious stuff. Keep them coming please!

  22. Hi, Tom. I noticed that you'd become a follower of my blog and so I hopped over and became a follower of yours...hope that's okay with you...

    You write some funny stuff that I just may have to keep reading! Good luck to you.

  23. I loved these!! Keep them coming!!

  24. Soooooo glad you commented...don't know if you're aware of it but Wednesdays I do a post "Commenters Say The Darndest Things" and your comment made me laugh! Just think I'll have to include it. I should have warned you in advance...LOL.

  25. What a great feature! I loved each and everyone one of these news stories....keep 'em coming!

    Have a wonderful weekend. :-)

    P.S. Where is your Twitter button?

  26. Joining you from Friday Follow!


  27. You couldn't have selected a better photo!

  28. Ah, so many douchebags, so little time. I think you've given Perez Hilton a run for his money here. I certainly hope Sandra dumps Jesse's Nazi ass sooner than later.

  29. Very nice. :-) All of it!


  30. Gotta' love that Amy, she makes the rest of us look so functional, doesn't she? Funny post, keep 'em coming.

  31. Tom ~ You are a genius. An evil genius but a genius still the same. Love it!

  32. So are you publishing somewhere in the world of print? Man, you should be.


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