Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tom's Celebrity Corner Returns

Once again, Tom's Celebrity Corner is back by popular demand with more dirt on the people we love to hear about! This has been a busy week for our celebrities and pseudo-celebrities so lets get to the venerable trough of celebrity information and see who's being a dirt bag and who's not!

Those perpetually drunk guidos of the Jersey Shore cast are having a hard time fitting in to their new surroundings this season. That's because the show is shooting in Miami and the people there aren't interested in the fist-pumping, gel-wearing, moronic creepfest that is the cast. Yes, it's true. Miami will play host to drug smugglers, white slavers, Tea Baggers, and cretins of every ilk, but they don't want the likes of Snooki, Vinny, The Situation, J-Wowww and the rest of their orange-skinned posse ruining their image. According to a source, no one there wants them to tape the show in Miami.

As an example of this, they were turned away at several night clubs because their reputation precedes them. The environment is so hostile that they have had to beef up security because it is feared that people are going to initiate fights with the cast just so they can be featured on their television show. Wow, that's too bad for the poor Oompa Loompas cast. Perhaps there is a place where they can go where they would be surrounded by fellow guidos with the same GTL (gym, tan, laundry) mantra as their own and where they are not scorned as the obnoxious mutant dimwits that they are. Oh right, the Jersey Shore! But look out Boston...they may be headed your way soon! I wonder if honorary degrees from Harvard are in their contracts? Wouldn't that be fun? Shoot me now.

Kate Gosselin of "Kate Plus 8" and "Dancing With The Stars" apparently thinks of herself as a huge celebrity and has gone all-diva on us. Leaving the kids at home in Pennsylvania in front of the television set for days while she and her "bodyguard" fly to Los Angeles to shoot DWTS, Kate soaks up the Hollywood glamlife and is ardently trying to extend her 15 minutes of fame indefinitely. Though it's a certainty that she will lose on DWTS (fans only keep her around so they can laugh at her), for whatever reason her fans want to see more of her and so she will be on not one but two reality shows come summer. Along with "Kate Plus 8" she will be the star on "Twist of Kate,” where she will respond to fan letters in person by travelling the country and sharing her insights and good advice with other women having struggles of their own. Maybe a good bit of advice she could share would be "don't abandon your kids while you fly around the country on some selfish pursuit of fame and riches." Evidently not everyone wants to see more of Kate. Hugh Hefner turned down an offer from her to pose for Playboy. To add insult to injury, he commented that he didn't consider her a celebrity. Well, I guess there's always Hustler.

Fans of the top-rated sitcom "Two And A Half Men" may be in for a major letdown. Lead actor Charlie Sheen has been in negotiations with CBS over a huge salary increase he wants before he signs a contract to do the show next season. Even though CBS already pays him almost a million dollars per episode (he is the highest-paid actor on television) and even though they stood by him when he was arrested for chasing his wife with a butcher knife and even though they had to hold up production of the show while he went to rehab...good old Charlie told them to pay up to the tune of $2 million per episode or he was going to take his snarky wit and leave the show. And evidently CBS didn't meet his demands, so he is walking away from the show.

While there's no doubt this greedy jerk talented actor deserves a huge part of the credit for making the sitcom the most watched comedy on television, it still chaps my hide that he would create a situation where all the other lesser paid actors, crew and other people involved with the show could suddenly lose their livelihood because of his inflated ego and sense of entitlement. What's to happen to poor Jake? He's too dumb and creepy looking to get work anywhere else. And what about Jon Cryer? Why does the gravy train have to end now that he's finally hit the big time? It's so unfair and unfortunate that Charlie doesn't see the big picture and accept the measly $1.2 million per episode CBS offered him to stay. All might not be lost, however, if Charlie doesn't come back. CBS has a replacement waiting on deck to possibly pinch hit for Charlie should they decide to continue with the show...Emilio Estevez, Charlie's brother! Uggh!

Conan O'Brien is coming back to television! Yeah Team Coco! It's official, he signed a deal for a late night television talk show with TBS which will run in the time slot now being held by fellow funnyman George Lopez. Said Conan, "In three months I've gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theaters, and now I'm headed to basic cable. My plan is working perfectly." The new show will debut in November and air Monday through Thursday. Lopez had no issue with having his show bumped to midnight and was apparently very happy with the new arrangement saying "I can't think of anything better than doing my show with Conan as my lead-in. It's the beginning of a new era in late-night comedy."  Well I for one am loving the hell out of this. As a big fan of late night television, there was a huge hole left in the television landscape when Conan left and hopefully with his return life can get back to normal for comedy lovers everywhere. Until November then you can catch Conan on tour with his live show, called the "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour."

Today Show contributor and former NY Giants running back Tiki Barber, 35, announced Wednesday that he is splitting from his wife of 11 years after revelations of his affair with Tracy Lynn Johnson, a 23-year old one-time NBC intern, were made public. Reports say that his wife, who is currently eight months pregnant with twins, is devastated about the affair. Apparently Barber has been linked romantically with the pretty blonde since she was a 20-year old college student. The two of them have appeared in public, but Barber always explained that she was his kid's babysitter so as to not to arouse suspicion. He reportedly lavished his mistress with gifts of roses, designer clothes and jewelry for years without his wife knowing anything about it, even getting his wife pregnant while the affair continued. In an ironic twist, Barber spoke in a 2004 interview about how much pain his own cheating father caused his family and the struggles he had to endure in forgiving his father's transgressions. I guess it's the same pain Barber will be passing to his sons A.J., 7, and 6-year-old Chason. Betrayal - the gift that keeps giving.

And speaking of adulterous jackasses, there is a new player to add to this club. It's our old buddy Charlie Sheen again. Yep. Even though he has sworn to his wife that he was going to be the type of husband and father to their twin one-year old boys that she wanted, it didn't stop him from meeting in secret with Angelina Tracy, a lingerie model and call girl that charges $3,000 per hour. According to In Touch Weekly he's been escaping his rehab center wearing a goofy disguise to meet up and have sex with her. He has been seen leaving Tracy's home as recently as last Wednesday and has even brought the tramp home wrecker model to his family home when his wife was out of town. They have also reportedly been seen kissing together in the back of Sheen's chauffeured Mercedes Benz.

Sheen, who is no stranger to escorts dating back to the Heidi Fleiss call girl scandal, was photographed leaving Tracy's home sporting dark glasses, a fake mustache and a hooded sweatshirt. What could be suspicious about that? His reps have alternately said that he was wearing the disguise as a joke for the photogs (sure, why not?) and that he wore the disguise because Tracy was a sister of a friend of his and that he was responding to a 12th-step call and thought it might look weird if he didn't. (Oh please!) I suppose if I was having an alcoholic craving I would want to call a celebrity booze hound who was already in rehab and had already demonstrated no ability to quit his addictions.

Here's an alternate excuse you can use that's just as viable, Charlie. "I am a selfish, self-centered, ego-maniacal, lying, cheating, inconsiderate piece of shit loser of a man who has absolutely no conscience about anything I do, no matter how terribly it makes others feel, and that I had a note from God saying it's okay to act like a total jerkoff whenever I wanted to, but the dog ate it."  Your welcome.

Age ain't nothin' but a number, but...rumors swirled last week about Elizabeth Taylor getting engaged to her close friend and manager, Jason Winters. Turns out the May/December marriage talk about the 78-year old actress and the 49-year old entertainment manager is just a wild rumor with no basis in reality. Taylor has already been down the aisle eight times with such notable persons as Richard Burton, Eddie Fisher, Sen. John Warner and Michael Wilding, and claims she will never do it again. Apparently her last husband, former construction worker and convicted woman-beater, Larry Fortensky, ruined her for other men. So that's why she's in the wheelchair, eh?

Amy Winehouse went into a clinic on Thursday complaining about feeling severe pain. She said she was in agony and blamed the pain on her breast implants. They kept her for observation but there's no word yet as to if her faux boobs are the cause of her pains and if they need to be removed. Personally, I think it might be that her soul is rejecting her. The only question is why did it wait so long?

I promised myself I would try not to bash Sarah Palin this week (although she makes it too frickin' easy!) and report on her daughter, Bristol Palin, instead. The Alaskan princess appeared in a new public service announcement promoting abstinence recently. She and her 15-month son Tripp (there's a name for a future politician!) are shown in a Candie's Foundation PSA advocating against teen pregnancy. Sort of reminds me of when heavy metal rockstars used to do PSA's on MTV against using drugs (generally done as a requirement of a plea bargained drug charge.) By all means, let's let teen mom Bristol urge other teenagers to stay away from sex. I believe her message would be "Don't have sex because it could hurt your mom's chances at getting elected and make her look like some kind of hypocrite. Oh, and Levi Johnston is a big douche." Perhaps trying to capitalize on her mother's political fame (infamy?), Bristol will be playing herself on an upcoming episode ABC Family's "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" where she will also advocate abstinence. In related stories, George "Dubya" Bush will be doing his own PSA's promoting literacy and Tiger Woods will be doing one against adultery.

And finally some blurbs from the "Things We Don't Care About And Didn't Want To Know" Department:

Suri Cruise, age 4, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, is still drinking from a baby bottle. (Actually, anyone who knows anything about Scientology recognizes that it's not a baby bottle, but an intergalactic zorax thetan interbulator. Dumbasses!)

Lady Ga Ga announces that she is celibate. (This just in...Will Smith is right-handed! Get over yourself, lady!)

Heidi Klum claims that her sex life with husband Seal is "nice and spicy." (I was expecting "wet and fishy", but that's a different kind of seal.)

Lindsay Lohan says her dad's engagement to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend, Kate Major, makes her want to vomit. (Someone making YOU vomit for a change. Nice!)

Tiger Woods and wife Elin reportedly have not been intimate yet. (Which is too bad. Nothing like angry sex!)

Larry King and his wife are getting divorced. (Apparently her drugs wore off.)

Until next time, faithful fans, remember that no matter how effed up your lives may seem, some millionaire celebrity has you beat!


  1. Hey Tom,
    You're back! I'm glad you were inspired to do this kind of post again, albeit inspired by adulteress jackasses. I love these posts. It's good, trashy stuff.
    Cheers, & I'll write back soon.

  2. Yeah, and they make tons of money doing it! Seems unfair.

  3. Holy crap! My life is perfect after reading this craziness. You really need to write for People...or Star...or National Enquirer. At least you tell the truth!

  4. Charlie Sheen is not even on my for the show, it's about time it went off. It is a huge draw because it's filled with innuendo, and appeals to viewers' inner 10-year-old (the gross side of 10). I would imagine the other cast members will be fine until they find better shows...which will not be difficult!

    Funny stuff Tom...

  5. Go team Coco! My only wish is that he brings Andy with him.

    Larry King's wife is from right here in Utah. Bad move on her part, another six months and she would probably get it all.

  6. great stuff! Except I can't stand Conan O'brien. Maybe it's a generational thing. I'm to old to find humor in his brand of comedy.

  7. Jeebus H., how many other jobs can you have where someone pays you a million bucks for a week's work essentially playing yourself? Stupid Charlie Sheen. I can't believe a million an episode isn't enough for someone. Particularly a crappy show like his. And I believe Emilio is his older brother. And probably could use a million bucks an episode. :) I mean what's he done lately?

    Also, the line about Amy Winehouse's soul rejecting her, made me wheeze with delight. :) Stupid cold.

  8. I'm glad your doing these posts.... How did I miss some of these?

    Larry King is sleeping with his wife's sister?

    And wait.... Will Smith is right handed? Did you check that fact sir? I thought this was a no spin zone!

  9. I live a blissful life after reading this...thanks for the pick-me-up :0) Great blog you have here.

  10. Charlie Sheen was making a million a show and couldn't find a way to be happy???

  11. I think we share one brain. :D You are like the male version of me! GOD YOU'RE AWESOME! :D

    Thank the heavens above TBS is bringing back my CoCo!!!!

  12. Again, thanks for giving me my recommended daily gossip dosage. Poor Rondel Barber.

  13. Wow. The only way I ever know any of this stuff is by reading the magazines when I get a pedicure.

    Now you either have incredibly manicured feet OR you are a master of phone taps!

    Neat post!

  14. News Flash: The Jersey Shore doesn't want these idiots either!

  15. "Guidos"! Haven't heard that in decades!

  16. love your blog! You have a lovely sense of humour.

  17. Totally hilarious post, Tom! I used to love Kate, way back in the beginning when she was a good bitch, not an evil one. Loved the comment about Amy's soul rejecting her...and I just want to know what Bristol plans on telling the kid later in life about this whole abstinence thing? I wish I'd never had sex, I wouldn't have been saddled with YOU? Great. Um, how bout you stop trying to redeem yourself for your mom and just love your own kid and move on.


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