Once again, Tom's Celebrity Corner is back by popular demand with more dirt on the people we love to hear about! This has been a busy week for our celebrities and pseudo-celebrities so lets get to the venerable trough of celebrity information and see who's being a dirt bag and who's not!
Those perpetually drunk guidos of the Jersey Shore cast are having a hard time fitting in to their new surroundings this season. That's because the show is shooting in Miami and the people there aren't interested in the fist-pumping, gel-wearing, moronic creepfest that is the cast. Yes, it's true. Miami will play host to drug smugglers, white slavers, Tea Baggers, and cretins of every ilk, but they don't want the likes of Snooki, Vinny, The Situation, J-Wowww and the rest of their orange-skinned posse ruining their image. According to a source, no one there wants them to tape the show in Miami.
As an example of this, they were turned away at several night clubs because their reputation precedes them. The environment is so hostile that they have had to beef up security because it is feared that people are going to initiate fights with the cast just so they can be featured on their television show. Wow, that's too bad for the poor
Fans of the top-rated sitcom "Two And A Half Men" may be in for a major letdown. Lead actor Charlie Sheen has been in negotiations with CBS over a huge salary increase he wants before he signs a contract to do the show next season. Even though CBS already pays him almost a million dollars per episode (he is the highest-paid actor on television) and even though they stood by him when he was arrested for chasing his wife with a butcher knife and even though they had to hold up production of the show while he went to rehab...good old Charlie told them to pay up to the tune of $2 million per episode or he was going to take his snarky wit and leave the show. And evidently CBS didn't meet his demands, so he is walking away from the show.
While there's no doubt this
Conan O'Brien is coming back to television! Yeah Team Coco! It's official, he signed a deal for a late night television talk show with TBS which will run in the time slot now being held by fellow funnyman George Lopez. Said Conan, "In three months I've gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theaters, and now I'm headed to basic cable. My plan is working perfectly." The new show will debut in November and air Monday through Thursday. Lopez had no issue with having his show bumped to midnight and was apparently very happy with the new arrangement saying "I can't think of anything better than doing my show with Conan as my lead-in. It's the beginning of a new era in late-night comedy." Well I for one am loving the hell out of this. As a big fan of late night television, there was a huge hole left in the television landscape when Conan left and hopefully with his return life can get back to normal for comedy lovers everywhere. Until November then you can catch Conan on tour with his live show, called the "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour."
Sheen, who is no stranger to escorts dating back to the Heidi Fleiss call girl scandal, was photographed leaving Tracy's home sporting dark glasses, a fake mustache and a hooded sweatshirt. What could be suspicious about that? His reps have alternately said that he was wearing the disguise as a joke for the photogs (sure, why not?) and that he wore the disguise because Tracy was a sister of a friend of his and that he was responding to a 12th-step call and thought it might look weird if he didn't. (Oh please!) I suppose if I was having an alcoholic craving I would want to call a celebrity booze hound who was already in rehab and had already demonstrated no ability to quit his addictions.
Here's an alternate excuse you can use that's just as viable, Charlie. "I am a selfish, self-centered, ego-maniacal, lying, cheating, inconsiderate piece of shit loser of a man who has absolutely no conscience about anything I do, no matter how terribly it makes others feel, and that I had a note from God saying it's okay to act like a total jerkoff whenever I wanted to, but the dog ate it." Your welcome.
Age ain't nothin' but a number, but...rumors swirled last week about Elizabeth Taylor getting engaged to her close friend and manager, Jason Winters. Turns out the May/December marriage talk about the 78-year old actress and the 49-year old entertainment manager is just a wild rumor with no basis in reality. Taylor has already been down the aisle eight times with such notable persons as Richard Burton, Eddie Fisher, Sen. John Warner and Michael Wilding, and claims she will never do it again. Apparently her last husband, former construction worker and convicted woman-beater, Larry Fortensky, ruined her for other men. So that's why she's in the wheelchair, eh?
Amy Winehouse went into a clinic on Thursday complaining about feeling severe pain. She said she was in agony and blamed the pain on her breast implants. They kept her for observation but there's no word yet as to if her faux boobs are the cause of her pains and if they need to be removed. Personally, I think it might be that her soul is rejecting her. The only question is why did it wait so long?
I promised myself I would try not to bash Sarah Palin this week (although she makes it too frickin' easy!) and report on her daughter, Bristol Palin, instead. The Alaskan princess appeared in a new public service announcement promoting abstinence recently. She and her 15-month son Tripp (there's a name for a future politician!) are shown in a Candie's Foundation PSA advocating against teen pregnancy. Sort of reminds me of when heavy metal rockstars used to do PSA's on MTV against using drugs (generally done as a requirement of a plea bargained drug charge.) By all means, let's let teen mom Bristol urge other teenagers to stay away from sex. I believe her message would be "Don't have sex because it could hurt your mom's chances at getting elected and make her look like some kind of hypocrite. Oh, and Levi Johnston is a big douche." Perhaps trying to capitalize on her mother's political fame (infamy?), Bristol will be playing herself on an upcoming episode ABC Family's "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" where she will also advocate abstinence. In related stories, George "Dubya" Bush will be doing his own PSA's promoting literacy and Tiger Woods will be doing one against adultery.
And finally some blurbs from the "Things We Don't Care About And Didn't Want To Know" Department:
Suri Cruise, age 4, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, is still drinking from a baby bottle. (Actually, anyone who knows anything about Scientology recognizes that it's not a baby bottle, but an intergalactic zorax thetan interbulator. Dumbasses!)
Lady Ga Ga announces that she is celibate. (This just in...Will Smith is right-handed! Get over yourself, lady!)
Heidi Klum claims that her sex life with husband Seal is "nice and spicy." (I was expecting "wet and fishy", but that's a different kind of seal.)
Lindsay Lohan says her dad's engagement to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend, Kate Major, makes her want to vomit. (Someone making YOU vomit for a change. Nice!)
Tiger Woods and wife Elin reportedly have not been intimate yet. (Which is too bad. Nothing like angry sex!)
Larry King and his wife are getting divorced. (Apparently her drugs wore off.)
Until next time, faithful fans, remember that no matter how effed up your lives may seem, some millionaire celebrity has you beat!