Thursday, January 21, 2010

Who Will Stop The Rain?



And not the soft pitter-pattering type that soothes your frazzled nerves and relaxes you on those Soundscapes CD's either. I'm talking about hard, pounding rain slamming into windows and windshields and, along with high winds, causing flooding, mudslides, falling trees and other devastation. That's what I'm dealing with over here. It's got me pretty depressed and moody, and frankly a bit pissed off, so since I am all out of scotch I decided to bitch about it here.

Here in sunny California we aren't used to inclement weather like many of you in the Midwest or on the East Coast. Our winters are mild and usually last about a month and then it's all pretty much over. But this year we have El Niño back and it's going to be a watery mess around here. It is so obvious that someone had a hand in creating this situation, so I feel that someone must pay for my having to deal with this crap. So as a card carrying liberal I want to know, who do I complain to about this? Who is responsible? And is there a Rain Bailout Program I can apply for?

Most of us in the know understand that the technology for altering the weather has been available for many years, having been developed by accident while creating exotic energy beam weapons by reverse-engineering crashed alien spacecraft at a top secret military base in the Nevada desert known as Area 51. This base is also where the Apollo moon landing was filmed and where new technologies such as teleportation and time travel are being perfected.

Though we swore we wouldn't use weather control as a weapon, the fact of the matter is that our military loves their toys and sometimes they just have to take them out and "re-test" them again to make sure they still work. It's a quality control thing. And once and awhile they goof up and the next thing you know there's an F5 tornado bearing down on you. Oops! Sorry about that!

Unfortunately other nations have gained access to the same technology, so often it is hard to tell whether it's Mother Nature or Mother Russia who is directing that snowstorm at you. After the KGB stole the secrets (it's just easier that way) they in turn used the technology to help the Japanese Yakuza get back at the U.S. by creating Hurricane Katrina. Not sure what we did to piss them off like that, but it was probably big.

Another way in which we manipulate the weather is by shifting the jet streams in Alaska using top secret fans of immense size and energy. I said top secret, but in all honesty, Sarah Palin can actually see them from her front porch, so...yeah.

My first thought was that it was President Obama who was responsible for El Niño showing up on my doorstep, possibly in an effort to distract us from the piss poor job he's done in his first year of office. But seeing as he can't seem to get anything done without the Republicans stepping in to screw it up, I knew it couldn't be him.

Next my suspicions led me to consider that the Illuminati, the global elite society that is plotting to control the world, might be responsible for bringing back El Niño in an effort to wreak havoc on the populous. That way they could then come in and give aid so that they could demonstrate that globalism is the key to a safer world. Then the gullible masses would blindly follow them with their plans to create a New World Order.

I figure any group that has developed mental super powers like a Jedi Knight (ie. "These aren't the droids you are looking for") and can easily control people through manipulation of their beliefs, media, education and political leaders as well as the global economy, could easily add cataclysmic weather changes to their resume.

Then I remembered that they are already so busy with other areas of the world, like Haiti for instance, that taking on the task of initiating worldwide weather changes by altering the oscillation of the ocean-atmosphere system in the tropical Pacific (and attending to all the consequential flooding, droughts, brush fires and other destructive weather conditions) would stretch them beyond their capacity. No, surely it must be someone else.

One idea that sprung to mind was that El Niño was set in play by greedy corporate bigwigs in collusion with our government. Why not, they were already the ones responsible for global warming by intentional aerial spraying (chemtrails) of SF6 Sulfur Hexafluoride into the air which, according to one report was "about 23,900 times more destructive, pound for pound, than carbon dioxide over the course of 100 years, which would indicate a clear and direct intention to create global warming for the benefit of the oil and energy industry, to enable them to create artificial bottlenecks on oil and usher in a global carbon tax to ensure they maintain the empire for years to come."

The only problem with that theory was that while El Niño could theoretically boost sales of heating oil and fossil fuels, the more likely result would be negative for these industries. Like any other industry that was subject to the weather, they would face stormy seas for their oil tankers and potential destruction of their oil fields and pipelines as a result of the harsh weather conditions. It is highly unlikely they would take that chance.

Finally I decided that there was only one other possible group that might be nefarious enough to rain on my parade, excluding Mother Nature of course, and that would be the Reptilian Overlords, a secret shape-changing inter-dimensional alien race that has infiltrated humanity, and enslaved it with lies and manipulations for thousands of years and who are the ultimate rulers of our planet. As an alien species from an advanced race which evolved on a planet in the Alpha Draconi star system of the Orion Constellation, they have limitless power and can bend and shape the earth at their whim.

There are three basic types of reptilians: the "full-bloods" who use human form to hide their true nature (examples include George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and hobo country singing sensation Boxcar Willie); the "hybrids", the reptile-human crossbreeds who are possessed by the reptilians from the fourth dimension, and finally; the third type who directly manifest in this dimension, but can't hold that state indefinitely. Reptilians eat humans and drink our blood and have ritual sacrifices of humans where they are tortured, torn to pieces, raped and eaten alive.

You know on second thought, what's a little rain. It's good for the flowers, right?

Never mind.


  1. You have a wild imagination; I like it!

  2. Knowing that you're on the west coast in the midst of the deluge, I was concerned about you, actually! Glad you are on high ground and able to report on what's really happening there! Tom, your imagination, combined with authentic-sounding scientific jargon, ought to land you a place in history with War of the Worlds!
    Hope you're okay there, really. I was glad to see your post. Good job!

  3. I personally believe that the umbrella and raincoat manufactures have teamed up in cahoots with big pocket W.A.S.P republicans. Here in LA I didn't know anyone with an umbrella until this storm hit...

    The umbrella/raincoat manufacturing business is booming right now. With such high winds many umbrellas are being ripped apart, mine included, so people continue to buy. They got the power to control the weather through the Republicans who know a certain secret about LA: For some reason, rain doesn't leave once it falls. Their plan to drown the entire city and wipe out thousands of Liberals is working. If not by flooding, many are going down due to accidents caused by their lack of driving in rain, and others are deciding to stay in the house until the rain leaves.

    They put up a strong fight but I will not be silenced by the rain! I will not be forced out of public into my home! And I will not buy another umbrella! I will not because my name is Lissa Goette!...and I quite enjoy dancing in the rain...especially spinning in circles, ooh and sliding down hills or pretending to be Gene Kelly!

    So to the republicans/umbrella makers I say, BRING IT ON!

  4. Thanks for stopping by.

    I like rain. Rain is good. It's an excuse not to go walking. It doesn't make you look so pathetic if you show up on Monday and got nothing done on the weekend. Plus it's relaxing when you're trying to sleep.

    It's the heat I can't stand, and I've been looking for someone to blame for years but when people in power change and die, it's hard to pin it on anyone.

  5. I thought for sure you would use Ross Perot and the giant sucking sound to explain the discombobulation in the jet stream, but then you showed me true brilliance...giant fans~!

    Since all the other theories only cause cognitive dissonance, it MUST be reptilian overlords. Coast to Coast has this covered and will be contacting you soon.

    Maybe we can get matching tinfoil hats. Just thinking out loud.

  6. LMAO! "Rain Bailout Program." (ahem) We have to get together for a Dr. Who marathon.

  7. I personally blame Al Gore for the cold effin weather we've been experiencing down here in the south.

    Someone had to call him out and stop the madness....


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