Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's iPhone

With the recent unveiling of Apple's overly-hyped iPad the other day, I again got those feelings of Apple envy that first consumed me when the iPhone was initially released onto the gadget-loving masses. For $499 this appears to be a really cool (and reasonably affordable) device for cruising the web, sending emails, watching movies and videos, reading iBooks, listening to music, looking at pictures, running thousands of Apple apps and practically anything else you can do on your computer, but just on a smaller 9.7-inch LED-backlit IPS display with Multi-Touch screen.

Despite the very cool design of this tablet, I think that Apple could have waited a little bit longer and gone a little farther in development of this item before releasing it. Though they are releasing Wi-Fi models in a couple months and a 3G version a few weeks afterwards, it's still really pretty much just like a bigger-screen iPhone without some of its features.

Critics point out that the iPad fails to live up to it's hype by not yet being a viable option to laptops and netbooks. They cite the lack of a WebCam, no flash support, no HDMI, no multi-tasking, an uncomfortable keyboard and other reasons for why it fails to impress. I think I will wait until the later versions are released before I opt to pass judgement on it myself.

Still, the release of the tablet rekindled my interest in the iPhone again. Though I had long since gotten over my lust for an iPhone, and even turned down the opportunity to get one last year, I cannot help being impressed by the many wonderful apps that are available with it these days.

Sure, there's the usual, conventional apps that everyone takes for granted, such as business applications, games, iBooks, music, movies, and social networking stuff, but since its inception there have been so many really cool, weird and funny apps that have sprung up. That's the part I am envious about. I mean, who wouldn't want a phone that also doubled as a harmonica, a Jedi Knight's light saber or a construction level? Here are a few of my favorites:

MouthOff

As the video below explains, this app uses a variety of cartoon mouths which mimic your speech in real time so that the words you speak are animated onto the screen as you talk.

iBeer

This is a very realistic simulation of drinking a beer. The screen fills with beer such like a glass would fill with beer, including the white foam at the top, and as you tip the "glass" to your mouth, the beer level goes down accordingly. As you can see from the video below, it is a fun gag to watch. Similar apps are available for drinking soda and milk.

iPopcorn

Just like the iBeer app, the iPopcorn app starts with popcorn popping on your screen and it moves as you either pour it out or shake it or attempt to eat it. See the video below as words simply do not do it justice.

iPoo

Sorry, there's no video for iPoo, and yeah, it's probably a good thing. This app was designed to give you something to do while going poo. iPoo brings together people from all over the world who are actively engaged in taking a dump. You can create messages and draw graffiti on the virtual stalls to share with others in the iPoo community, see a map where others are currently going poop and see what has been posted where you are dropping your deuce.

iSnort

Virtually snorting cocaine is the premise for this iPhone app. Using very realistic imagery (so I'm told!) you use the edge of a credit card to break up the cocaine just as would if you were actually snorting coke (so I'm told!) and form it into separate lines just like real cocaine users do (so I'm told!). Then you can use a straw or rolled up dollar bill just like coke snorters do (so I'm told!) and starting at one end of the line start snorting the cocaine and watch as it magically disappears as if you were really snorting coke (so I'm told!) up into your nose. This is a lovely gag to do in public, and may be one way to expose undercover narcotics agents that may be within your midst (so I'm told!). Check out the video below.

iFart

My final app fave is the wildly successful iFart application. Not content to be a simple fart noise machine app, for there are a multitude of those available for iPhone, this app blends a rich tapestry of different fart sounds with elements of interactive social networking (aka Fart Budz) with the ability to prank your fellow "Fart buddies" by sending them random fart sounds when they least expect it. Let's face it, when it comes to making someone laugh, there's nothing that can compare to a really gross, smelly sounding fart. Check out the video.

Okay, admittedly these are not the most useful of apps and sure the gag will get old not long after you have shared them with your friends and co-workers, but for .99 each for most of them it's a cheap laugh. And these days, we can all use a good cheap laugh.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

It's probably no surprise to readers of my blog that I don't do stupid. When someone like a political leader, television or radio personality or religious leader for example, says or does something stupid, well my reaction is something tantamount to fingernails across a chalkboard. Suffice it to say that the eight year presidency of George "Dubya" Bush was horrendously painful, as was the last election. In fairness, all of us are prone to misspeak from time to time. I'm not saying it's just the Republicans. Obama, Biden and others have had their moments of verbal shame too. But some people don't know when to quit!

For example:

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"This will play right into Obama's hands. He's humanitarian, compassionate. They'll use this to burnish their, shall we say, 'credibility' with the black community -- in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made-to-order for them. That's why he couldn't wait to get out there, could not wait to get out there." -- Rush Limbaugh on Haiti earthquake relief, Jan 13, 2010

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." –Pat Robertson

"So here you have Barack Obama going in and spending the money on embryonic stem cell research. ... Eugenics. In case you don't know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person. ... The stuff that we are facing is absolutely frightening." – Glenn Beck, March 9, 2009

"I think on a national level your Department of Law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we've been charged with and automatically throw them out." -- Sarah Palin, referring to a department that does not exist while attempting to explain why as president she wouldn't be subjected to the same ethics investigations that compelled her to resign as governor of Alaska, ABC News interview, July 7, 2009

Unfortunately there is an inexhaustible supply of this type of nincompoopdom from these folks, and it only gets worse. The real tragedy is that when these political wonks on Fox News spew their hateful, ignorant ramblings, their listeners totally buy into it as if it were the gospel truth, whether they understand it or not. Why would they lie, right? But that's where we are these days in America. Some people will believe anything if you say it while holding an American flag in one hand and the Holy Bible in the other. It's just a whole lot easier than thinking. How else could anyone nod their heads in agreement to the kinds of utter bullshit they sputter.

Glenn Beck is a great example of this trend. Jon Stewart of "The Daily Show" once said of Beck, "Finally, a guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking." How do people with any degree of intelligence listen to Beck and say, "yep, that's the truth all right?" Sure, like when he said "The only [Katrina victims] we're seeing on television are the scumbags" or "When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." That would explain why Stephen King referred to Beck as "Satan's mentally challenged younger brother."

Sarah Palin is another good example of how people can be such complete lunkheads. As long as I live I will never understand how anyone can listen to her incoherent babbling and not want to shove a dirty sweat sock in her big, stupid mouth. The best I can figure is that as horribly brainless as Dubya was, for some he just wasn't quite as idiotic as they would have wanted. Palin fills that need particularly well.

Rush Limbaugh, the "father of modern stupidity," is probably the most listened to imbecile polluting the airwaves with his single-minded rants. He has been one of the largest (no pun intended) propagandists for the Republican Party for many years and his legion of listeners follow him not so much to find out what he thinks, but to find out what they should think. His adroitness at bending the truth, or just inventing a new "truth" to suit his twisted reality is beyond compare. Who else could put the blame for the country's financial woes on Obama two days after the election?

With recent events in Massachusetts, it occurred to me that the problem isn't the candidates or the platform, but the dumb-as-bricks electorate that we have. People have become lazy and complacent in the last few decades. They don't really care about learning about the issues they oppose so vehemently. They would rather let somebody else do the reading and the thinking and then tell them how to vote. And afterwards they can blindly shout names and spout rhetoric that they have no understanding of while they drive themselves into a frenzy of ignorant rage.

As H.L. Mencken once penned, "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

This brings to mind how years ago, during the 2004 Presidential campaign, the Democrats struggled with the problem of trying to explain to the voters in the so-called red states what their positions were, but they couldn't get through to them. Their conclusion was that the people there weren't very bright to begin with. One e-mail that made the rounds amongst Democrats at that time showed the 2004 election map with the word "America" superimposed over the blue states while the rest of the nation, the red states, were labeled in larger type, "Dumbfuckistan." I know this type of generalization is not just crude but unfair too. But it is funny...and if the shoe fits...well?

A lot of the political pundits on the right like to characterize Obama as a friend of terrorists, a socialist, a fascist, and a whole lot of other things that aren't true. It was once said that "If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed." Ironically, the person responsible for that quote was Adolph Hitler. I'm not saying that Republicans are Nazis, but that is one of the many charges leveled at Obama. Their unscrupulous spreading of disinformation in this fashion has worked wonders in boosting the Republicans growing following. And though these new radicalized right-wingers have no idea what they are talking about, it makes them feel clever and politically astute to mimic these views and memorize some of the talking points. Isn't it great to have an opinion!

I guess that just because someone nefarious says something you agree with, it doesn't necessarily mean that you share any of their other beliefs. Unless you are a Democrat, in which case it qualifies you as a card carrying Nazi. Oh well. By refusing to follow suit and lower ourselves to their despicable level, we may have hurt our chances of being a strong voice in politics. The Republicans, who have no need of morally acceptable practices, are just appealing to the lowest common denominator here. In the battle to control the political voice of our country, our inability to target the ignorant masses that are mindlessly helping the Republicans speed us into a collision course with disaster has cost us dearly.

The average Joe (we'll call him Bubba, actually) might never have the brains to comprehend our "fancy talk" about improving the economy, creating a health care reform bill that would benefit him, creating jobs and other issues facing us today. He might never know that it is corporate America that is pulling the strings in Congress and that he is merely their pawn in a greater conspiracy of greed and political power. He will likewise never know that his vote against our current administration and its efforts to change the status quo which has crippled the country and continues to send it on a downward spiral, is creating his own undoing.

Funny isn't it? You need a license to get married or drive a car or even own a dog. But any old fool who registers to vote can be the instrument of global chaos by voting the wrong way. If 46% of Americans wanted an unqualified moron like Sarah Palin to be anywhere near the Presidency, what chance does this country have for the future?

Are these the type of mean-spirited, irrational, hate-filled, ignorant morons we want to elect the next President?

Who Will Stop The Rain?

Rain.....

Rain....Rain....Rain...

And not the soft pitter-pattering type that soothes your frazzled nerves and relaxes you on those Soundscapes CD's either. I'm talking about hard, pounding rain slamming into windows and windshields and, along with high winds, causing flooding, mudslides, falling trees and other devastation. That's what I'm dealing with over here. It's got me pretty depressed and moody, and frankly a bit pissed off, so since I am all out of scotch I decided to bitch about it here.

Here in sunny California we aren't used to inclement weather like many of you in the Midwest or on the East Coast. Our winters are mild and usually last about a month and then it's all pretty much over. But this year we have El Niño back and it's going to be a watery mess around here. It is so obvious that someone had a hand in creating this situation, so I feel that someone must pay for my having to deal with this crap. So as a card carrying liberal I want to know, who do I complain to about this? Who is responsible? And is there a Rain Bailout Program I can apply for?

Most of us in the know understand that the technology for altering the weather has been available for many years, having been developed by accident while creating exotic energy beam weapons by reverse-engineering crashed alien spacecraft at a top secret military base in the Nevada desert known as Area 51. This base is also where the Apollo moon landing was filmed and where new technologies such as teleportation and time travel are being perfected.

Though we swore we wouldn't use weather control as a weapon, the fact of the matter is that our military loves their toys and sometimes they just have to take them out and "re-test" them again to make sure they still work. It's a quality control thing. And once and awhile they goof up and the next thing you know there's an F5 tornado bearing down on you. Oops! Sorry about that!

Unfortunately other nations have gained access to the same technology, so often it is hard to tell whether it's Mother Nature or Mother Russia who is directing that snowstorm at you. After the KGB stole the secrets (it's just easier that way) they in turn used the technology to help the Japanese Yakuza get back at the U.S. by creating Hurricane Katrina. Not sure what we did to piss them off like that, but it was probably big.

Another way in which we manipulate the weather is by shifting the jet streams in Alaska using top secret fans of immense size and energy. I said top secret, but in all honesty, Sarah Palin can actually see them from her front porch, so...yeah.

My first thought was that it was President Obama who was responsible for El Niño showing up on my doorstep, possibly in an effort to distract us from the piss poor job he's done in his first year of office. But seeing as he can't seem to get anything done without the Republicans stepping in to screw it up, I knew it couldn't be him.

Next my suspicions led me to consider that the Illuminati, the global elite society that is plotting to control the world, might be responsible for bringing back El Niño in an effort to wreak havoc on the populous. That way they could then come in and give aid so that they could demonstrate that globalism is the key to a safer world. Then the gullible masses would blindly follow them with their plans to create a New World Order.

I figure any group that has developed mental super powers like a Jedi Knight (ie. "These aren't the droids you are looking for") and can easily control people through manipulation of their beliefs, media, education and political leaders as well as the global economy, could easily add cataclysmic weather changes to their resume.

Then I remembered that they are already so busy with other areas of the world, like Haiti for instance, that taking on the task of initiating worldwide weather changes by altering the oscillation of the ocean-atmosphere system in the tropical Pacific (and attending to all the consequential flooding, droughts, brush fires and other destructive weather conditions) would stretch them beyond their capacity. No, surely it must be someone else.

One idea that sprung to mind was that El Niño was set in play by greedy corporate bigwigs in collusion with our government. Why not, they were already the ones responsible for global warming by intentional aerial spraying (chemtrails) of SF6 Sulfur Hexafluoride into the air which, according to one report was "about 23,900 times more destructive, pound for pound, than carbon dioxide over the course of 100 years, which would indicate a clear and direct intention to create global warming for the benefit of the oil and energy industry, to enable them to create artificial bottlenecks on oil and usher in a global carbon tax to ensure they maintain the empire for years to come."

The only problem with that theory was that while El Niño could theoretically boost sales of heating oil and fossil fuels, the more likely result would be negative for these industries. Like any other industry that was subject to the weather, they would face stormy seas for their oil tankers and potential destruction of their oil fields and pipelines as a result of the harsh weather conditions. It is highly unlikely they would take that chance.

Finally I decided that there was only one other possible group that might be nefarious enough to rain on my parade, excluding Mother Nature of course, and that would be the Reptilian Overlords, a secret shape-changing inter-dimensional alien race that has infiltrated humanity, and enslaved it with lies and manipulations for thousands of years and who are the ultimate rulers of our planet. As an alien species from an advanced race which evolved on a planet in the Alpha Draconi star system of the Orion Constellation, they have limitless power and can bend and shape the earth at their whim.

There are three basic types of reptilians: the "full-bloods" who use human form to hide their true nature (examples include George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and hobo country singing sensation Boxcar Willie); the "hybrids", the reptile-human crossbreeds who are possessed by the reptilians from the fourth dimension, and finally; the third type who directly manifest in this dimension, but can't hold that state indefinitely. Reptilians eat humans and drink our blood and have ritual sacrifices of humans where they are tortured, torn to pieces, raped and eaten alive.

You know on second thought, what's a little rain. It's good for the flowers, right?

Never mind.

Feeling The Weird Love!

DOING THE HAPPY DANCE!

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

This blog has reached a milestone in it's short existence by receiving it's first "Follower of the Week" honor and blog award courtesy of the lovely and talented Hillbilly Duhn of Hillbilly Duhn's Times & Tribulations. Now I know many of you have been around for awhile and have probably received lots of awards and recognition and take these kinds of things in stride.

Not me.

I'm grinning like a possum shittin' peach seeds over here.

As a newbie blogger, I am always painfully insecure about whether people will read and appreciate the weird stuff I write. Particularly with all the amazing, funny, creative stuff that my fellow peeps in the blogosphere are cranking out on a daily basis. (You know who you are.) And though there are many times when I just don't feel like writing (I'm lazy like that), I read your blogs and am inspired to take it up another notch and try to do more.

This recognition, along with the kind comments and the new followers that have come aboard the Sophisticated Lunacy train recently, confirm that I am on the right track. So to all you followers, both new and old, thank you for sticking with me. I promise to keep it entertaining for you.

So without any further adieu, I am happier than a tornado in a trailer park to post this, my very first blog award. Ain't it sweet? Won't my momma be proud?

What makes this really special is that it is from Hillbilly Duhn, a tremendous writer who, as many of you already know, is hilariously funny and weird. I think it was this weirdness that first captured my interest in following her blog. She was one of the very first bloggers that I began to faithfully read and follow. She, in turn, became one of my first followers and commenters as well.

I first discovered her blog in early October of last year. Guys, I'm not saying that I'm a sex pervert per se (that's a topic for another day), but you have to admit that her choice of story topics are hard to pass up. How could you not want to delve further into a topic entitled "Icy Hot Nipples"? This was followed by stories about glow-in-the-dark panties, glow-in-the-dark condoms, a letter to her breasts entitled "Dear Boobers" and various stories that centered upon strap-on dildos, STD's, threesomes, ass-shaving, maxi-pads or "va jay jay covers" as she called them, and so forth.

I was compelled to follow her after that. I commented on her blog, "LOL! Great post. Just happened upon your blog and read your last few posts and between the glow-in-the-dark condoms and panties and the icy hot nipples, I am convinced that this is a blog that I can faithfully follow! How have I managed so long without you, I wonder? Thanks for the smile."

Now her blog covers the whole spectrum of writing, from some really beautiful science fiction/fantasy to articles about farting and poop (my personal faves!) If you are not a follower of hers you must be nuttier than a squirrel turd. So go git yourself over to her blog and check it out and sign up for a very funny and very weird ride. I guarantee it's more fun than a clown on fire. Now go! Don't make me come after you with a switch!

Sarah Palin, Faux News Media Whore

Uggggggh!

That horrible, lying, bigoted, dim-witted, fanatical right-wing, hypocrite whack job is back again! Sarah "Caribou Shitferbrains" Palin has landed a spot on cable television as a political commentator. WTF? With her recent signing of a multiyear deal with the Fox News network, she is again taking her brand of conservative drivel to the masses of slack-jawed yokels that blindly see her as the next Messiah.

It was bad enough having to endure months of her ignorant ramblings and delusions of adequacy during the 2008 Presidential campaign. But then after the election she parlayed her popularity into a career as a speaker, spreading hate and fear and spewing lies so transparent that even fellow conservatives were embarrassed about her. Next her book "Going Rogue" came along with the ensuing book tour, speeches and media appearances which thrust her even further into the spotlight.

Incidentally, if you haven't read the book yet, the title refers to the term given Palin by a McCain aide to describe her going off-message during the campaign. The book is basically a self-aggrandizing tell-all that blames the media, McCain and the whole campaign team plus most everyone else for making her look like a laughingstock. (She reportedly co-wrote the book with a ghost writer, but given her inability to string a comprehensible sentence together, I suspect her contributions were the page numbers.) A "Going Rogue" activity and coloring book has also recently come out so that her supporters from the shallow end of the gene pool, which is most of them, can also say they read it.

Now why couldn't she just go slink away and let the national embarrassment that she personifies slowly fade away from memory the way Dan Quayle did? No, not Sarah Palin. She will "not go gentle into that good night" but instead is doing her best to "rage against the dying of the light." The light, after all, pays better.

She's going to get all the light she wants now with Fox News. Joining the ranks of Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and other arrogant right-wing morons (Dumb, Dumber and Dumberer?) she will be actually getting paid to open her pie hole and let the stupid gush forth. Brilliant. Fox knows she has no problem side-stepping the truth and that the addition of her to the panel opens a new audience that up until now was too ignorant to understand the ravings of Beck or Hannity. Palin will effectively dumb-down the level of conversation to that of her supporters, but without all the drooling, grunting and knuckle-dragging.

"I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News," she says in a statement posted on the network's Web site. "It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news."

Fair and balanced? Sure, just like the Presidential election in Iran.

I would say it is ironic that, after months of attacking the news media for reporting on her many embarrassing gaffes and calling her supposed intelligence into question, that she would end up working for a news agency. Except Fox News isn't really much more of a news network than, say, the Food Network. Rather they would best be described as the propaganda arm of the Republican Party. "Fair and Balanced" are just meaningless words being bandied around by the conservative leadership of Fox to give it an air of legitimacy, but only a complete fool would believe that.

Who, of all the heavyweight conservative pundits who distort and misrepresent the events of the day there at Fox, such as Beck, Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Lou Dobbs, etc., is the voice of dissent? Where is the "fair and balanced" coming from? There isn't anything offered by Fox except their own radical right-wing spin. In a sense, then, this is a good move for Palin. She has found a home where deception, greed and an abiding contempt for those who disagree with her ignorant views are the accepted norm. Fox is also a safe-haven where she won't have to try and defend her positions from any liberal media types who conspire to make her look bad with tricky questions, like Katie Couric did.

You remember that disastrous interview, don't you? I'll refresh your memory a bit with one of the questions asked to Palin about the Wall Street bailout. In reading her response, maybe you can explain to me how anybody with half a brain could logically support such an incoherent twit in becoming what might have eventually been the President of the most powerful country in the world, because I just can't see it:

Katie Couric:

Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy? Instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

Sarah Palin:

That’s why I say, uh… I, like every American I’m speaking with we’re ill about this, er, position……that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is, um……help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to, er……help shore up the economy… Helping the, uh……Oh! it’s got to be about job creation too. Shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and……reigning in spending has, er……got to accompany tax reductions and, uh… tax relief? …for Americans. And… trade! We’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive scary thing. But 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation, umm…This bailout is a part of that.

Whaaa??? Seriously, I wouldn't let this short-bus riding ignoramous have the keys to my car, let alone the code to the U.S. nuclear arsenal. Hell, she can't even pronounce "nuclear" opting instead to say "nucular" like Dubya did. Perhaps it is her mission to carry the mantle of idiocy now that he is gone from the spotlight, never to be "misunderestimated" again.

About the only saving grace with Palin's new role as a paid political "talking head" is that late night talk show hosts, Saturday Night Live's Tina Fey and the rest of the country's comedians and humorists will continue to have a field day as she fiercely attempts to come off sounding like she has some clue of what she is talking about, particularly if she "goes rogue" and speaks her mind instead of reading the cue cards, with predictably feeble results.

How long do you think she will last before she quits this job too after claims of being personally attacked by the media and her viewership? And will this new position - by way of adding more public exposure to her character, views and personality - hurt or help her chances at a run for the 2012 Presidency? Only time will tell. But given that she still has a large following that has already seen and heard her repeatedly make an ass of herself on national television (and babble on about her bumbling, inept plans to restore America to the glory that was 1953) meanwhile still thinking she's our best hope for the future, I fear that her position as presidential front-runner is secure. Which, thankfully, means another four more years of Obama!

In the new book "Game Change" by New York magazine's John Heilemann and Time Magazine's Mark Halperin, the authors detail the various goings-on behind the scenes of the Presidential campaign with some very alarming and embarrassing revelations about Palin. For example, she erroneously still held the belief that Saddam Hussein was the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. She was also clueless as to why there was both a South Korea and a North Korea (um...the Korean War) and was painfully oblivious as to how to pronounce Joe Biden's name. In short, the book not only depicted her as an imbecile, but also said she was mentally unstable, even quoting her as saying at one point during the campaign, "If I had known everything I know now, I would not have done this."

Well that's one thing I look for in a President, mental instability. Yes sir, seeing as they hold the fate of the world in their hands, it's always a good idea to choose someone who has wild mood swings, is often depressed, has a tendency to quit when under pressure and is prone to catatonic stupors. Crazy! Insane! Nuts! Do you realize how close we came to giving this mental midget access to the button! Bear in mind, this is the same woman who, when asked in an interview with ABC News about if America may need to go to war with Russia because of the Georgia crisis, answered "Perhaps so." It's scary when you think about it, and yet her supporters are convinced that she is their salvation.

The right-wing likes her because she is conservative and drops bits of ear candy like " family values" and "old-fashioned morals" with a smattering of "It's God's Will" which they can't get enough of. Many women like her because...well, she's a woman, and they would love to see a woman finally hold the highest office in the land, even if she has the I.Q. of a coconut. And finally many men like her because she looks hot and they secretly want to have sex with her. All good reasons to be sure, if you are a Republican. And all the more reason we should impose mandatory intelligence tests before allowing any stupid yahoo to vote us into annihilation.

Is Sarah Palin sincere in her desire for helping shape the future of America and bringing all of it's citizens the promise of peace and prosperity? Well that's what she wants the sheeple to think. Is she really more interested in making money and gaining ever-increasing power and prestige in the Republican Party?

You betcha! *wink!*

Here are some wonderful quotes about Palin from the last year which I found amusing. I have no doubt that with her new job as a political commentator, these guys are just getting started!

FUNNY QUOTES

"Over the weekend Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Yeah, Republicans aren't sure who is going to fill her role in the party, but they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin was asked a question by a third grader and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does ... She says he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know I would never accuse George Bush of being a bright man, but when he was elected, at least he knew which building to show up to." ―Bill Maher

"In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin." -Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin's new autobiography doesn't come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher

"Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn't. Well, she shouldn't feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman

"Political activists are now saying, if Sarah Palin does not do well tomorrow in the debate, she will voluntarily step down from the ticket by Friday. So far, there have been over 2 million emails and phone calls, urging her to stay. All from Tina Fey." --Jay Leno

"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection." --Conan O'Brien