Sunday, December 13, 2009

Merry Christmas...Or I'll Kill You!

Christmas is almost here, so you know what that means. It’s time for peace and joy and goodwill toward men, right? Ha! Get serious!

It's time to step up the ignorant hate-mongering and start rambling nonsensical bigoted platitudes and spreading alarmist political paranoia. (Some of you started early and others never stopped, so just keep doing what you are doing.) Mr. Beck and Mr. Limbaugh, continue to stir the feebleminded masses into a fury of nationalistic rage. Mrs. Palin, just tell us again your plan to help out the country of Africa. (That always cracks me up.)

This is also the time of year where diversity stages its annual “War against Christmas” with Christmas represented by those people who have formed a tradition of putting up Christmas trees and other Christmas-related decorations in their public schools and government offices and where they also attended Christmas parties and sung Christmas carols. That was, until the dawn of political correctness (PC for short).

Now an increasing number of people are seeing their traditions fall by the wayside as the PC crowd invokes its political muscle to create a more homogenous and socially-inclusive scenario for all. For example, the new directive is to use the term "Holiday trees" instead of Christmas trees and rename previously Christmas-related activities as "Winter" activities.

Though it was designed as a well-meaning attempt to minimize social offense of diverse groups (such as gender, religion, cultural, racial, sexual orientation, handicap, etc.) and promote equality in language, it has failed miserably in actual practice. An entry in The Urban Dictionary defined PC as “a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. (An alarmingly accurate metaphor as it turns out.)

As an example of this PC conflict, I cite a recent article I read about an elementary school in Ashland, OR in which the school's principal replaced the Giving Tree in the school's lobby with a couple of snowmen because she had received complaints from several families about it being a religious symbol. The principal has since adopted new guidelines banning trees and Santa Claus images from their holiday decorations. As you would expect, this move upset many people and caused quite a controversy.

A sampling of the colorful responses to the article include these angry bits of vitriol, each followed by my commentary in blue text:

"I'm sure in the real near future, we true Americans are going to be done with ALL the people that are not Americans, who are illegals, who are other people looking for the American dream, we true Americans are gonna begin the biggest war on our soil that has ever taken place on our soil. I for one am so fed up with all these people wanting to change our American ways and our beliefs because they don't like it, I'm ready for war, right here, right now." Uh, I think the only thing you are ready for are your meds, pal. And just maybe a padded room. Remember folks, friends don't let friends type drunk.

"WE are now becoming the minority and being discriminated against. I am sick and tired of having to change what I believe in or how I celebrate things because it might upset someone. You came to this country and left yours, if you don't like the way we do things around here, then do us all a favor a move back." You are assuming that the complainants are immigrants. More likely they are atheists or some religious faith that doesn't subscribe to Christmas, like maybe Jewish or Jehovah's Witnesses for example. Remember, just because you are paranoid doesn't necessarily mean they are out to get you.

"I've been trying to warn all of you what is coming down the road for our once great country. And it's exactly what our leader wants; he even is not going to setup the manger scene. If this doesn't get you blood boiling, we got to get our country back before it's too late. This anti-American BS is all the cause of BO and his gangsters leading us to a socialist society. Taking our rights away in all forms of what we once fought and died for. Come on people, enough is enough! Stand up and vote all the libs out starting in 2010 and the loser of a president in 2012." Yes, I think the article mentioned something about Barack Obama dropping everything and calling the elementary school principal and telling her to take down the tree. Then he yelled "Yea Mao" and hung up. Clearly, the president has to be stopped before he does something crazy like passes health care reform, creates more jobs or improves the economy. Where's Sarah Palin when we need her?

"DO NOT tell me I can't have my Christmas!!! I WILL put up my tree, I WILL display the baby Jesus, I WILL say MERRY CHRISTMAS and I dare you to tell me your sorry a** is offended because you will unleash my wildest fury and it ain't gonna be purty!!!!!" YOU WILL be wearing a straight-jacket unless YOU DO calm the hell down and take a CHILL PILL you psycho douche-bag. Now go SHUT UP and finish watching “Deliverance.”

"We no longer have religious freedom when it comes to the Christian Faith. Socialism here we come!" YAWN! Does anyone who says "Socialism is coming" even know what the hell they are talking about or is it all some stupid sound bite they heard and keep repeating like parrots because it makes them seem intelligent when they clearly are not?

"We are NOT a muslim nation!! Even though SOME people are trying their best to make it that way…wake up people, this is only the beginning…. I hope every parent and child will stand and protest this school and it’s stupid and offensive policy….yes, you have offended Me and a lot of other people….put the tree back up!" You could be right and it was Muslims who, in an effort to get that much closer to world domination, asked the principal of an elementary school to remove a tree from their lobby. Or maybe they were Jewish and just objected to a Christian symbol in a publicly-funded institution. It's a tough call for sure.

"Wait until the Muslims become the majority and then you will see what tolerance will be like!"Yeah, with 76% of Americans claiming to be Christians, I would say that will be a long, long wait. You should hold your breath though, just to be on the safe side.

"The pendulum swings any further with all of this Muslim Tolerance stuff and we all WILL be forced to wear burkas." Hey Dude, you just got a phone call. Guy said to tell you the sky WAS falling. I think he said his name was Rush.

To those who want to get all self-righteous and alarmist over some elementary school principal's bad decision to take down a giving tree in the school lobby during Christmastime because it made some students uncomfortable, I have to's a tree! It's not some lone, teetering domino standing on the march towards socialism or a Muslim plot or to convert us all to Islam. It's just a future box of firewood, so just chill out and don't let it get your panties in a bunch. You can still have a good Christmas and decorate your trailer however you like and you can still play with your guns and dream about being Rambo all you want.

Trust me, no one is going to bother you.


  1. Intersting post, Tom!

    As always, your humor won me over; I enjoyed your rebuttals to some of the more ignorant comments made in the article you cited.

    This has always been a tricky issue for me. I, being the conflict-phobic I am, sort of embrace what some may term PC. Of course, I have been annoyed at those who are sanctimonious about banning fairly secular symbols with no thought given to the balance of opinion or the best interests of their unique communities.

    Perhaps because I have existed in a world that constantly barraged me with images and ideas of a way of being that forced me to hide my true nature, I sympathize with those who hold different beliefs but are forced to accept only one set of holiday symbols and activities and popular culture, or be shut out.

  2. God, I love me a redneck Christmas.

  3. What I want to know is how about my feelings and desires? Santa may offend someone, but what about their complaining and causing me to miss out on my traditions offend me? Why are they more important than me? I am highly offended by their actions and I demand to know why they count more than me. Fuckers.

    But I will probably steal the Larry video because I do shit like that.

  4. Since when is Santa and a tree a part of religion. It's getting stupid, very stupid. They want their rights and damn it I want mine! I love that video! Great blog, I'm following you!

  5. Thank you all for chiming in on this issue. It's good to know there's definitely some sanity left in the world, even in the blogosphere! Also a warm welcome to LiLu and Just Another Momma to my blog. I'm glad to have you come by!


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