Friday, November 13, 2009

Goodbye To My Friends

Dear friends,

It pains me to tell you this, but your faithful narrator on this blog will be leaving the blogosphere forever. I have been informed that my number has come up and that the newly established "death panel" that is now deciding the fate of all of us Americans as a part of the recently adopted Health Care Reform bill, has concluded that my continued existence on this plane of existence is no longer required. They stated that while they appreciated my past contributions to society, that they nonetheless felt that since I have reached 47 years of age, the expense of my upkeep would no doubt cancel out any future benefit.

Likewise, my mother, my Uncle Joe and my Aunt Millie have all been selected as being superfluous in the government's future plans and they too have been scheduled for euthanasia. In our discussions about our upcoming termination my mom alleged that the reason she was getting whacked was that she didn't vote for him and this was Obama's way of getting back at her. I told her that was just silly and what he was doing was for the good of the country. It does surprise me, though, that we are being eliminated whilst thousands sit in prison, many on death row, costing the taxpayers millions every year, and yet they haven't been tapped as being expendable. Oh well. The government knows what it is doing.

Little did most of us know when the bill was passed that it was secretly a plot to kill old people and those that factored little in America's future plans. I understand that there were needed cuts in social security and Medicare, but this just seems to me to be a bit drastic. Also surprising was the government's decision to eliminate the country's seriously ill and those with physical and mental disabilities. I have to say, I think it shows a degree of insensitivity on the part of the Obama administration, particularly in the killing of diseased and infirmed children. But I suppose extreme situations require extreme solutions.

Of course the government couldn't count on all it's citizens to go quietly into that valley of death, so they assembled death squads of ninjas who we are told are quite adept at killing people. The reason why the government is using foreign labor instead of hiring Americans is that they didn't want to have to deal with any conflicts of interest. A plan to use highly specialized robots was scrapped after it was determined that the upkeep on the robots would have made the effort moot. At least the end will be quick and not some protracted affair. Just a quick stabbing sensation and then...nothing.

Before I go I wanted to pass on some information to you that I have become privy to so that you might be prepared for what is to come. Apparently our social programs are still facing insolvency despite the death panels, so other steps are being taken to "thin out" the population to a manageable level. It is now clear that our government has been experimenting with germ warfare and was responsible for the H1N1 Swine Flu epidemic that continues to rage about the country.

We have recently been informed by contacts within the Center for Disease Control and Prevention that the vaccine is in fact tainted with the virus and is not an effective preventative measure. In addition, the government is behind a plot to introduce carcinogenic elements into our drinking water supplies and is involved with tampering with over the counter medications and with the efficacy of prescription medicines. You need to be warned that the conservatives were right all along...they are out to get you, and get you they will.

I am gratified that those of us who are chosen are given 30 days notice to get our affairs in order before being put to death. This way I am given the opportunity to say goodbye to my friends and fellow bloggers and wish them well in the future. I don't know what terrors await you, my dear readers, but I trust you will face them with courage and strength. I'm hoping that those of you that survive will enjoy a country with peace and prosperity for all.

And now, I must go. I have an appointment to give blood this afternoon and I can't be late.

Best of luck to you all!



  1. Well, um, okay. I like this non the less because I feel the same damn way. It's all going to hell in a hand basket that's been hurdling through space at light speed!

  2. I'm kind of slow when it comes to politics. Is this post true, or are you being facetious? I'm embarrassed.

  3. Tom,
    When you go, can I have your Chia-Obama, and your Beer Holster?
    Seriously, it will be interesting...and see how much a final bill may be watered down and compromised to death, before it eventually passes.

  4. I may have to go, as I am 65 and counting, but I can guarantee you that I won't go mildly. Think of James Cagney with the machine gun yelling for his mom to look at him. I'll take a few with me, I just wish I could start at the top.

  5. Good comments, all! This bit of weirdness was the product of too much exposure to the right-wing fear mongering and hysteria surrounding the current debate on health care reform. Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck and other conservative wonks are hard at work spreading disinformation to their nut job activist following who dumbly swallow as gospel every bizarre claim and insane rambling they hear. My reaction to their absurd, idiotic arguments was to do a satirical piece (a la A Modest Proposal) that tried to put things into proper perspective. Clearly that failed. I will issue a new blog soon without all the silly drama and pretense.

  6. Thanks for being patient with me...look forward to seeing your next post.


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