Monday, November 9, 2009

Gift Ideas For The Person That Has Everything

Forget about expensive jewelry and sexy lingerie this year. Most guys hate that stuff anyway. If you ask me there's just something very mystical about a High School Musical Magic 8-Ball that makes it the perfect gift for that special someone who has everything already.

Well....everything good, anyway.

All of us have at least one someone that we agonize over each year in terms of deciding what to get them for a Christmas present. For me, it's my mom, because she has everything and needs nothing. And I know from past experience that if I just get her the usual boring, thoughtless gifts that she gets every year (slippers, bottle of wine, flowers, book of erotica, etc.) she will thank me and give me her usual polite smile, as all moms do after they receive a crappy gift, and then go off to some distant corner of the house somewhere to cry. Sometimes she also rolls her eyes as she shakes her head from side-to-side while mumbling "Why me God?" right before she kicks the dog.

Being both observant and a student of body language, such subtle cues as this are not lost on me.

While she may be trying to project an image of someone who is happy with her gift, I can tell that her appreciation is less than sincere and that what she really wants to say is “You bastard! Boy, what a rotten gift! I can’t believe I carried you for nine months in my womb, changed your diapers, fed you and took care of you all these years and this is the thanks I get? You dirty, lousy, ungrateful son-of-a-bitch!” Yes, I know. She does have a way with words. But then, she was raised Catholic.

As a public service to my fellow bloggers I have scoured the internet searching for unique gift ideas (items rivaling soap-on-a-rope and singing fish in terms of universal gift satisfaction) so that none of us need fear the dreaded gift giving disappointment of previous years. I will be posting these ideas over the next couple weeks so you have ample time to order them for your loved ones and other people you despise but tolerate at Christmas.

All of the gifts ideas I will post are available online for your convenience. Those of you who prefer to shop early for gifts (instead of waiting a couple days before the holiday like the rest of us normal people) can purchase all of your gifts online in one fell swoop and have more time for drinking booze and getting high volunteering at the homeless shelter!

In addition to the ideas shared here, I’m more than certain that incredulously fantastic gifts can be found by clicking the many ads found on my blog. Possibly the best present for that loved one in your life that you really want to impress and make beam with happiness is but one click away from you right now. Yes, dreams can be fulfilled, lives can be forever changed and you can be the recipient of life-long unconditional love and affection with just the right gift found right here, again, just one small mouse click from where you are right now. Sort of boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

Of course I would never be brazen enough to encourage my readers to click on my ads nor have all their friends click on my ads. I find that sort of shameless self-promotion to be in bad taste, especially at this time of year when many people are struggling financially, like myself (paying for little Timmy’s kidney dialysis is an overwhelming expense as you would expect), and have a limited amount of money to spend on presents. Be that as it may, please remember that the true meaning of the season is giving to others less fortunate than yourself, even if it amounts to something as simple as a well-placed finger spasm on a computer mouse while reading a certain blog.

But I digress.

Here are some Christmas gifts guaranteed to brighten the spirits and make this holiday the best ever for anyone that receives one of them. Well, except little Jimmy…. er...Timmy, anyway.

New For This Year Is The Latest In Chia Pets, It's Chia Obama!

Designed in honor of our 44th President, Barack Obama, this latest Chia design is destined to be a collector's item. Previous Chia pets, such as Chia Homer, Chia Bart, Chia Shrek, Chia Garfield and others have managed to retain their value exceedingly well and can be found gracing the desks of CEO's and corporate executives the world over. And because it is a plant, moms and grandmas love them too! Buy one for your boss, for your girlfriend, for your barber and the guy that sells you weed. Everyone loves a Chia! Check it out online here.

Ceramic Drunk Chicken Heads Add Fun To Your Barbecue!

Fans of Drunken Chicken, where a can of beer with seasonings is inserted into the bottom of a chicken to flavor it while it barbecues, will appreciate this new gadget. These plucky ceramic chicken heads insert at the top of the chicken prior to roasting (or if you prefer, you can put them on afterwards or on store-bought rotisserie chicken for that matter) to add color and personality to your meal. Don’t settle for decapitated birds anymore!

This is a great gift idea for those on your list that prefer to see the faces on the food they cook and take some sick pleasure in watching the unbelievable horror as the flames mercilessly lick and sear the soft white flesh of the birds, turning it a crispy golden brown, while sizzling juices send pungent chicken-scented smoke into the air. Currently there are three styles available, including Bug Eye, Southwestern and Malibu.

Rumor has it that they are working on a Sarah Palin head and a John McCain head for next year (their supposed “Maverick” line) as well as a Hillary Clinton head. Calm down, Bill. It’s not what you think.

Get the whole set of three Ceramic Drunk Chicken Heads for only $14.95!

Beer Holsters - For The Fastest Beer-Slinger You Know!

Not since the advent of the incredible Double-Beverage Drink Helmet has something so cool come along for alcoholics and the people that like to emulate them. Like the gunslingers of the Wild West, the Beer Holster is sure to usher in a new day in beer drunkdom. The day of the 12 ounce quick draw is finally here and beer-slingers are honing their skills for the challenges to come in the quest for the Fastest Beer-Slinger in the West. Or even the fastest on Harper Avenue between 23rd and Magnolia, for that matter.

All competition aside, the beer holster is constructed of leather and attaches to a standard belt with additional nylon straps which wrap around the thigh for extra support. It can be used to hold either a 12 ounce bottle or can of beer (or beverage of choice) and is great for keeping your hands free to tend to your grill or attending tailgate parties or whatever debauchery your mind desires. A perfect present for that lucky individual on your gift list. So do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

Come to think of it, this might be a very good self-gift! Check out the Beer Holster for yourself!

Jazz Up That Bedroom Or Study With A Trophy Head Wall Plaque!

The hot new trend of mounted faux animal heads, like this Whitetail Deer, is taking off and interior designers are all abuzz about this humane and stylish decor item. So if you know someone who has an empty spot above their fireplace or in their den and could use some cool wall hanging to give it that cozy, lodge-like feel, I believe this is your answer! This is a great gift idea for that lover of dead stuffed animals on your Christmas list this year.

The Trophy head wall plaque above is listed at $109.00 as are a number of their other trophy head designs including a bear, mountain goat, and a moose. All heads are mounted on light oak or mahogany wall plaques and measure 15" wide x 20" high x 16" deep. The sales ad notes that the "skillfully detailed faces and features enhance the friendly personality of these lovable and whimsical faces."

This trend may actually lead to a cottage industry of work-at-home moms, ripping the heads off their children's stuffed animals and mounting them to wooden plaques. I wonder how much of a market their could be for a Barney the Dinosaur?

Target practice, anyone?

Well those are just a few ideas for you to dwell on this holiday season. There are so many other wonderful ideas out there, but they will have to wait until next time. As for my mom, I'm not sure yet what to get her, but I'm sure not going to repeat last year's mistake. I wonder what she ever did with that anal bleaching kit anyway?


  1. Tom, you are insane....and so dear to my heart!
    One of the funniest gift exchanges I ever experienced occurred during an office grab-bag, when I was the only male in an office filled with women. I drew the name of a co-worker who always complained about being warm, so I thought a small battery-operated fan that she could clip to the top of her cubicle would be a fun and thoughtful office gift.
    The device was packed in a rectangular box about six inches long. The blades were removed and so was the clip. I put batteries in the main cylinder before I wrapped it.
    On the night of the exchange, my co-worker unwrapped the gift and she opened the box, and all that slipped out was the six-inch long black cylinder (the blades and clipped remained in the box). The impact of the cylinder hitting my colleague's leg as it slipped out of the box caused the device to vibrate.
    You never heard such shocked silence from a roomful of women who were either disgusted by what they assumed, or in reveries of their own.....until the true identity of the gift was discovered..then the relieved laughter was endless!

  2. I wonder what her reaction would be if you said-"Mom, this Christmas I give you ME!" Since the present giving falls short, maybe it's worth the try??

  3. Tom - Thank you for a hilarious story! It made my day. I wonder what their reaction would have been if their assumptions as to the true nature of the device had been valid? Disgust and horror or delight and envy? Or a little of both!

    Blasé - Interesting idea, but knowing my mom she would sooner opt for the beer holster than a re-gifted me! LOL!


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