I Am George W's Love Child

Of Course It's True....I Read It In The Enquirer!

Back in the olden days when I was little toddler and TV shows like Gilligan's Island and Flipper first burst onto the airwaves, I was a clever little fella and curious as all get out. I had learned early how to read and spent hours pouring over newspapers and magazines trying to find stories to satisfy my thirst for knowledge.

Thankfully, my mother was an avid fan of supermarket tabloids and would bring home a copy of the National Enquirer, The Globe or The Weekly World News with her groceries. Ohhhh, jackpot! Finally some publications that skirted the mundane issues and boring factoids of everyday life and focused instead on the fascinating and bizarre stories that rarely saw the light of day.

I was hooked! And thus began my lifelong obsession with things like UFO's, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Ghosts, Telekinesis, the Bermuda Triangle and so many other far-out stories of the weird and unexplained. Even now whenever a special program on Area 51 or Roswell comes on TV or a report on Bigfoot or the ever-popular Ghost Hunters series just happens to come on, I am instantly glued to the screen.

Now I must tell you, before you start thinking that I am some kind of super-gullible person who believes everything in print, there were tons of stories that I knew deep down couldn't possibly be true. I mean, for a long while there were stories about sightings of the late Elvis Presley every week. Some times he would be buying food at the Piggly Wiggly and other times he would be seen riding a convertible space ship. The guy really got around, which is rare for a dead rock star.

I realize that these rags are in the business to make money and the more sensational and ludicrous a headline appears, the more people want to buy it to get the full story, whether they believe it or not. But seriously people, how empty-headed do they think we are anyway? And what are our kids supposed to think when they see a photo of our president shaking hands with an alien from another planet while they are waiting at the checkstand?

Here is a list of some of the most idiotic real headlines from the tabloids:

1. Dick Cheney Is A Robot

Okay, I can see where some might wonder, but definitely not true nonetheless. I think.

2. World's Youngest Ninja: 9-Month Old Gets Black Belt In Karate

But how would he fare against a Robot Dick Cheney? Inquiring minds want to know.

3. Abraham Lincoln Was A Woman: Shocking Pix Found In White House Basement

I don't buy this at all. He may have been a transvestite, but definitely not a woman. Incidentally the article also states that John Wilkes Boothe was his jilted lover. Again, Lincoln was not a handsome man, and must have been an even more unattractive female, so no...not true.

4. Vegan Vampire Attacks Trees

Fortunately the trees survive the attacks, though they have developed a problem with sunlight.

5. Kitten Guilty Of Murder: Sign The Petition Inside Or She DIES!

The photo above shows a cute kitten strapped down to a table while a hand holding a hypodermic needle hovers beside her menacingly. I've got to wonder...how many people signed the petition?

6. Hillary Clinton Adopts Alien Baby: Survivor of Arkansas UFO Crash

Some people will do anything for an extra tax break. Angelina Jolie has dibs on the next one that crashes.

7. Cigarettes Cured My Cancer

I wonder how much the tobacco industry paid for that story?

8. Bigfoot Kept Lumberjack As Love Slave: Outraged Wife "He's No Longer The Man I Married!"

You know what they say, once you go Bigfoot, you never go back.

9. Vampires Attack U.S. Troops: Army of Undead Taking Over Mountains of Afghanistan

As if our soldiers didn't have enough to deal with, now its vampires! Perhaps it's not too late to convince them to work on our side and help find Osama bin Laden?

10. Aliens Settle In San Francisco

Seems like a perfect place for them to fit in. I wonder if an Alientown can be far off?

Personally, I am convinced, through evidence presented and personal experiences that ghosts are real. Further, I believe that Bigfoot is real, as well as UFO's (as well as the government cover-ups at Area 51 and Roswell, N.M., etc. ) and psychic abilities, the Loch Ness Monster, the Bermuda Triangle and many other strange and unknown mysteries. I believe that its possible that dinosaurs may still walk remote areas of the earth today, that some people have amazing gifts (think X-Men), and that parallel universes, time travel and other dimensions are our destiny.

I know many will refute these ideas for whatever reasons, but for me believing in the wondrous possibilities of life makes living much more interesting. You may choose to believe that aliens worship Oprah or the secret CIA talking cats that are our spies in Iraq, or the existence of a race of Mermaids and Mermen living in our oceans. That is your right. Don't worry, nobody is going to bother you.

As long as you continue to take your meds.