Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Does Penile Enlargement Make You Smarter?

Tonight I had an epiphany.

As I stepped outside to my backyard and relieved myself on a shrub, I gazed up at the bright, twinkling skyscape against the vast blackness of space and wondered if we were alone in the universe or if somewhere, in some distant galaxy on some faraway world, if some alien being was relieving himself and wondering the same thing.

And then, like a flash, it occurred to me that so many of my most revealing thoughts and insights occur when I'm holding my penis. It evoked memories of many brilliant concepts which occurred to me while going pee or watching porn. In retrospect, I recall that even my cyber-sex conversations were notably expressive and joyous.

I paused to consider if there were other people, such as distinguished scholars, scientists, professors, physicists and similarly intelligent persons, who had discovered this same peculiarity. And then I tried to remember if I had ever shaken hands with any of them.

I pondered for a moment that my penis might also serve as some kind of divine antennae and that if it were positioned in just the right way I might be able to receive universal knowledge that could possibly answer some of the most intriguing mysteries of mankind. (It didn't.) And then I wondered if size might be a critical issue and if large penises made better conduits for absorbing information from some celestial source. And if so, would penile enlargement actually make you smarter?

Now I don't know anyone that has had such a procedure, nor would I go through it simply to prove a theory, so I leave it to you, members of the blogosphere, to chime in and let me know (for strictly scientific purposes of course) if you or anyone you know has had the procedure and if they are smarter now than before, or if they have always had a larger penis and have always been intelligent (or not). On behalf of myself and the scientific community we would be most grateful for your contribution.

I will publish the findings from this survey as soon as I have a sufficient number of responses to meet scientific method standards.

Thank you.


  1. I found this funny,intertaining, thoughtful and just a great read. I will be looking forward to more from you.

  2. The only boyfriend I ever had with a larger-than-average member was, while being an expert computer tech, one of the dumbest people I've ever met. Hope the info helps! :)

  3. Maybe it's just your penis is a divine antenna - perhaps if you got other people to hold it you could determine whether it would make them smarter.

    As chat up lines go, I've heard worse...

  4. If you follow Kim Ayres advice, make sure they wash their hands first.

    Funny post.

  5. Thank you all for your comments. Lucia, I am glad you enjoyed it. La Jenno, thank you for your input. I wonder if that will be the trend? Hmmm. Kim, that sounds like an interesting idea. The line starts at the left, no waiting. Innocent, I will definitely do that! Thanks for the tip.


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