Sunday, May 30, 2010

"Thinking Of You" - A Saturday Centus






Well, I am back again this week trying my hand at writing a story for Saturday Centus.  To those of you that might yet be unfamiliar with it, it is a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog ...off on my tangent.... Every Saturday she posts a "prompt," a phrase that must be used in the essays of each contributor.

Each story must contain the prompt as written and be a total of 100 words or less, not including the prompt words.  After posting their stories, the writers link up with Jenny's Saturday Centus meme post so that we can all share our treatment on the prompt.

I love words and sometimes I use too many of them when a few will do nicely. This exercise in trying to write an interesting story in 100 words or less is both challenging and a bit brutal because it forces you to chop your story to fit the criteria of the meme.

But my story is my baby! Don't make me chop my baby! I have to? Okay, well if Jenny says chop your baby, then I guess I just have to chop my baby.

But I'm not cleaning it up!


And finally, I want to thank all of you that commented on my first Saturday Centus attempt, Goodbye Daddy, last week.  I was really touched by the outpouring of kindness, encouragement and support by you, my fellow bloggers!  Through this meme I was introduced to many great new blogs and the talented writers behind them and even gained some new followers.  Please take the time to stop by and check out Jenny's blog and the wonderfully talented writers that have already chopped up their babies contributed their stories to this fun meme.

Without further adieu, here is this week's prompt:


“May I help you, miss? You look puzzled.”



“Mmmm… thank you, I’m just looking for my father. We came in together a moment ago, but he seems to have wandered off.”


And this is the exactly 100-word story (plus the prompt) that I wrote for this week.  I call it:
 
 
Thinking Of You
 
 
Brenda strolled down the softly-lit hallway and retrieved a cigarette from behind her ear.



“Yeah, I know I can’t smoke in here, Dad!

You keep telling me where to smoke, what to eat and even what to say and think.

Leave me the hell alone!"


She pushed the door open to the day room where "Family Feud" was blaring from the TV.


“Okay, now where did you disappear to?” she said angrily.


“May I help you, miss? You look puzzled.”


“Mmmm… thank you, I’m just looking for my father. We came in together a moment ago, but he seems to have wandered off.”


“Relax, honey," the psych tech smiled. "You know your dad isn't here. Lets walk over to the nurse’s station.

 I think it's time for your meds."


 

31 comments:

  1. I laughed out loud! EXCELLENT!!! I think I could play the role of Brenda in an after school special. :)

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  2. You described me perfectly! Well done!

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  3. Quite crafty indeed...you are a trooper to do it within our 100 word guideline...I was unable to do so this week...wonder how much is taken off for going over? Peace and blessings

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  4. Oh...a surprise ending! I like it!

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  5. I love the crazy route!! Well done. :)

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  6. sure...blame the problems on your parents. :) i guess we all do that? well done.

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  7. Whoa, this was really too cool. She's in the psyche ward LOL. I never saw that coming. Good job again.

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  8. OH shoot that made me giggle - VERY NICE

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  9. You used the wrong name, but we won't go there. Another good one!

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  10. Absolutely brilliant! The ending was very Ray Bradburyish.... bravo! :)

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  11. OH, this is one of my favorites!! Surprising and great writing. Loved the line: "retrieved a cigarette from behind her ear". So visual!!

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  12. Perfect ending. Nicely played.

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  13. Tom, I liked this....the twist was like the classic Hithcock anthology series, always full of surprises. It's a greast exercise to pare down a story to its bare essentials and retain its meaning. I may have to try it. Great job as always!

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  14. wow 100 words seems shorter than I thought. That seems difficult to do. Is that a true story or did you make it up?

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  15. Great stuff Tom! This is such a great exercise in trimming the fat. I hope this is getting easier for you.

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  16. Tom! Excellent! Wow! I loved the twist you put in here.

    It's amazing how a few powerful words can create a story much greater then the parts.

    AND

    I think you did a great job chopping up your baby.

    It is so difficult to make each word count. I am finding that crossing over a bit into my ongoing writing as well.

    Thanks for participating, you Baby Chopper, you!

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  17. Awesome and frighteningly real!
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  18. Someday when I work up the courage, I will have to try one of these. You may it look so easy. Nice job.

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  19. This ol' house meets one flew over the cookoos nest. Me likey.

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  20. Nicely done! Didn't see that one coming. Amazing how so many of this weeks stories share a common theme, but then take off is such different directions. Kathy

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  21. A nasty daughter, that one :)

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  22. I wonder if there was a meaning behind you using the name Brenda. Hmmm....

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  23. WOW! You got me but good with this clever little story. You are an amazing writer. Thanks for another good one.

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  24. Yeah, it's hard to cut anything out of our own work!

    Nicely done!

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  25. cool - nicely crafted.
    i like the concept.

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  26. Oh, I didn't see that coming. Good one, Tom!

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