Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Speech To The Tea Party Movement

Teabagged And Tagged
A Speech By Sarah Michele Rushbeck

“Good evening fellow patriots!

Clap your hands for freedom people! Don’t you just love America? I love this great big wonderful land of ours. And I love freedom. Thanks all you vets out there for protecting our freedom. You guys are awesome. I’m so proud to be an American and live in the greatest nation on earth. God bless us all, my fellow Americans. God bless our freedom and our flag and our soldiers on the battlefields and those here at home.

It's my extreme honor speaking before you today, at the bargain price of only $75,000, to discuss with you the specific details of how we, in the Tea Party Movement, need your support to help reshape this great country of ours into the land that our forefathers and foremothers would recognize as their America, and not some socialist mecca for Godless bleeding heart liberal fornicators bent on oppression and tyranny.

And speaking of Godless bleeding heart liberals, there’s no one worse in our view than Obama. Yes that's right, I won't even dignify him by calling him our president. He has crippled our economy because of his government bailouts and his stimulas package. He has single-handedly brought us to the worst economic depression in our country’s history along with the highest unemployment rates . It is his fault that auto plants are closing, small businesses are failing and why people are terrified that their next stop is homelessness.

He has weakened our reputation around the world with his failed foreign policies and incompetent handling of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and continues to expose us to even more terrorist attacks like the underwear bomber. Looking back at his record, you have to wonder whose side he is really on. Wonder no longer, my friends. You don’t have to be a professor of political science to see that he is clearly driving the bus of America into a state of fascist tyranny.

Even now Obama is threatening to take away our rights to choose our own health care providers and institute a socialist government run program that decides your fate and the fate of your loved ones with their evil death panels rather than leaving the whole matter alone and letting the private sector, whose only interest is you and your families well-being, to manage your health care needs with all the care and sensitivity that our friendly and loyal insurance carriers can muster. Yes friends, we are all going to hell in a handbasket and Obama is to blame.

That's right folks, the America of today is sliding right down that poop chute to hell and taking all of us with it unless we can organize and take back control of the ship of state and put it back on a course for freedom and justice for all natural born heterosexual Christian Americans, the backbone of this great country of ours. That’s where the Tea Party Movement comes in. When you join us, and pay the one-time only registration fee, we will guide you to where you are needed, tell you what to say and what signs to carry. We will tell you who to support, who to hate and what to think.

Sound too good to be true? It's true! We realize that no one has the time or the interest to know about the policies and laws that shape this great country of ours. And we know that some of you don’t know how to read or don’t understand a whole lot about what is going on in politics these days. That’s okay. We will teach you a few catch phrases like “Stop the socialist take over of America” or “Impeach the Congressional Socialists” or “End Obama’s Fascist Tyranny Before It Ends You.”

It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand what it means. If you just scream it as loud as you can and carry your signs with confidence then others will follow because that is how a mob mentality works. It’s simply better if you just remember that facts are not as important as rhetoric. We can always change the facts to suit the situation but we need a consistent stream of rhetoric coming out of our Tea Party patriots so others like you can hear the message and join our cause.

Lets take, for example, the current debate on health care reform. I’m not going to try to intimidate you with terms like “health care rescission“ or “end-of-life care” for instance. We don’t want you to know that. The specific details of the health care reform bill are just too complex for you to possibly understand, so don’t worry if you don’t know what it’s all about. Just know that we of the Tea Party Movement have your back. We have spent weeks going over every line of this legislation with a fine toothed comb to save you the time and trouble, so if you just follow our lead you can be sure that your course will be the right one.

Who are the people in the Tea Party Movement?

Are we some fringe group of paranoid wackos that propose a complete overthrow of the government and a return to the simpler times in America's history, like the time of our forefathers when slavery was in style, women were content to fulfill their roles as wives and mothers and everyone was straight? Are we a bunch of uneducated, working-class, beer-swilling, racist goons that are more concerned about the skin color of our leaders than in giving any audience to their obviously socialist policies?

Are we a group of ignorant sheep being led astray by money and power-hungry right-wing narcissistic corporate shills thinly disguised as patriotic freedom fighters whose continuous repetitions of the same idiotic insults, labels and fearful prophecies of future enslavement under the current regime incite others to follow blindly and unthinkingly toward self-destruction?

Are we the puppets of obstructionist conservatives who will do anything and say anything to destroy any reforms or policies that might lead to Obama going down in history as anything more than a white-hating, non-American Muslim terrorist born in Indonesia and whom is secretly holding our nation hostage to his fascist whims? Even if those reforms are shown to be viable and efficient changes that will be of benefit to all Americans, even those with undesirable ethnic affiliations, religious persuasions or sexual preferences?

And finally, do we care more about name-calling and tearing down that too-smart-for-his-own britches, pompous, uppity black man, Barrack Hussein Obama, than addressing the real issues that are facing this country? Well that's just what those elitist Ivy League God-hating, long-haired hippie-freak socialist, military-weakening, criminal-coddling, fascist, big government, treasonous, terrorist-loving, marxist, one-world government wanting, lying, cheating sexual deviates and baby killing commie Democrats want you to believe.

Truth be told, we are just everyday Americans just like you that have been pushed too far by this administration and are angry and disillusioned about the direction this so-called President is leading this great country of ours. We are a grass-roots organization who wants less government, lower taxes, strong defense, strict adherence to the Constitution, an end to the evils of our permissive society and most of all our God-given right to freedom.

Freedom is the thing. You will hear me mention freedom a lot because it is the core of what we are about. That and “we the people.” I say that a lot too. If you are for freedom and love America and support the troops then you are already ready to march for the Tea Party Movement! Isn’t that so exciting! We need you out there on the front lines bashing those liberals and shouting down their calls for progress. Not in our lifetime, baby! No way!

For decades America has receded from it’s core Constitutional values and adopted laws and policies that fly in the face of the wishes of our founding fathers. And who have been there leading the charge to disrupt our way of life? Why the liberals, of course. It was them who passed the Clean Air Act in 1963 which stripped away corporate profits and led to outsourcing. It was them that fought against segregation and passed the Civil Rights Act in 1964 taking away our natural born freedom to subjugate lesser races.

It was the libs that helped to enact Medicare in 1965, even though the leading political minds of the day, Barry Goldwater, Ronald Reagan, Bob Dole and George H.W. Bush, all foretold of it leading to socialism and the end of freedom in this country. Yup! Just like we are going to turn into a nation of slaves living in squalor if the health care reform bill passes. Same thing! It was also the liberals that successfully pushed for the passage of a Supreme Court decision allowing inter-racial marriage in 1967 which led to the break-up of the family unit. It is also them that continue to support same-sex marriage and abortion rights yet oppose prayer in public schools and drilling for oil in protected wetlands. I bet our founding fathers are rolling over in their graves about these deplorable developments!

So join with me, my fellow patriots, and lets finish this terrorist monster sitting in the oval office. Lets send a message from the heartland of our nation and give Obama the quick exit he deserves in 2012 and get our own Tea Party candidate in there and put America back 0n the side of the people instead of the special interest groups. If people don’t like the way we true Americans run things, then we will be more than happy to fly them free of charge to Siberia. I’m sure the commie bastards will really love it there! Ha ha!

So once again, to recap, we want freedom for the true Americans amongst us, no more bloated government spending, less government including less stringent safety standards, less regulation on food safety and chemical pollutants, less government oversite and less corporate bureaucracy. Also, we want to live by the letter of the Constitution. It’s served us for this long, why change it? And we want a strong national defense. Why doesn’t the greatest nation on earth not have the largest army? No excuses, we need that. And we want lower taxes and a return to the decent society of our forefathers. So are you with us? Great!

You can pick up your Patriot Packets on the way out. They are $25 each, but only two for $40, so get one for a friend! And thank you again for coming to this event. God bless you all! Go now and fight the good fight against those liberal swine! God bless America! God bless freedom! Don’t forget to get your ‘I’m A Tea Bagger’ T-shirts in the lobby!”


  1. I just spent a few minutes reading the comments posted on Yahoo about the Health Bill that stemmed from the racial slurs thrown at minority Congress Members.

    Like one commenter said- "None of us knows all of what the proposed Bill states".

    It is purely debatable and each side has it's arguments. What do we really know? I find I'm for whatever side I'm reading at the present time, then it will change when reading the other side.

    Concerning Obama, I don't distrust him because of why the typical Republican does......but because he is simply a Politician. When the 'numbers' of the Deficit and the tax on my Paycheck change for the BETTER.....THEN I'll like whomever is in the White House.

    Having said the aforementioned....Keep up the good work exposing the ignorance of the Conservative Republican Party.

  2. Hilarious, simply hilarious! Being an outsider to this debate, I can't really comment on details, but I do agree with your feelings. Go get them morans! :D

  3. LOL! Well, this certainly brightened my day...very funny!

  4. Brilliant post, Tgoette. Every line and phrase is hilariously, sarcastically perfect. I'm not sure where it leaves me though, being as I'm not a heterosexual natural born Christian nor a "moran." Oy.

  5. Tom, you almost had me Googling who the heck this Ms. Rushbeck was! A great speech, you need to do some real speechwriting. Or SNL-type satire, although you're far more sophisticated for that. Excellent piece of writing Tom!

  6. My head hurts and I feel like hurling when I think about politics. I think I will just keep living my piddly little life, loving my fellow man. Yep, all of them, rich, poor, clean or dirty, conservative or liberal. Like it or not, we are all we have in the end so we best learn to care about what's really important. People


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