It's my extreme honor speaking before you today, at the bargain price of only $75,000, to discuss with you the specific details of how we, in the Tea Party Movement, need your support to help reshape this great country of ours into the land that our forefathers and foremothers would recognize as their America, and not some socialist mecca for Godless bleeding heart liberal fornicators bent on oppression and tyranny.
Even now Obama is threatening to take away our rights to choose our own health care providers and institute a socialist government run program that decides your fate and the fate of your loved ones with their evil death panels rather than leaving the whole matter alone and letting the private sector, whose only interest is you and your families well-being, to manage your health care needs with all the care and sensitivity that our friendly and loyal insurance carriers can muster. Yes friends, we are all going to hell in a handbasket and Obama is to blame.
Sound too good to be true? It's true! We realize that no one has the time or the interest to know about the policies and laws that shape this great country of ours. And we know that some of you don’t know how to read or don’t understand a whole lot about what is going on in politics these days. That’s okay. We will teach you a few catch phrases like “Stop the socialist take over of America” or “Impeach the Congressional Socialists” or “End Obama’s Fascist Tyranny Before It Ends You.”
Lets take, for example, the current debate on health care reform. I’m not going to try to intimidate you with terms like “health care rescission“ or “end-of-life care” for instance. We don’t want you to know that. The specific details of the health care reform bill are just too complex for you to possibly understand, so don’t worry if you don’t know what it’s all about. Just know that we of the Tea Party Movement have your back. We have spent weeks going over every line of this legislation with a fine toothed comb to save you the time and trouble, so if you just follow our lead you can be sure that your course will be the right one.
Who are the people in the Tea Party Movement?
Are we a group of ignorant sheep being led astray by money and power-hungry right-wing narcissistic corporate shills thinly disguised as patriotic freedom fighters whose continuous repetitions of the same idiotic insults, labels and fearful prophecies of future enslavement under the current regime incite others to follow blindly and unthinkingly toward self-destruction?
Are we the puppets of obstructionist conservatives who will do anything and say anything to destroy any reforms or policies that might lead to Obama going down in history as anything more than a white-hating, non-American Muslim terrorist born in Indonesia and whom is secretly holding our nation hostage to his fascist whims? Even if those reforms are shown to be viable and efficient changes that will be of benefit to all Americans, even those with undesirable ethnic affiliations, religious persuasions or sexual preferences?
And finally, do we care more about name-calling and tearing down that too-smart-for-his-own britches, pompous, uppity black man, Barrack Hussein Obama, than addressing the real issues that are facing this country? Well that's just what those elitist Ivy League God-hating, long-haired hippie-freak socialist, military-weakening, criminal-coddling, fascist, big government, treasonous, terrorist-loving, marxist, one-world government wanting, lying, cheating sexual deviates and baby killing commie Democrats want you to believe.
Truth be told, we are just everyday Americans just like you that have been pushed too far by this administration and are angry and disillusioned about the direction this so-called President is leading this great country of ours. We are a grass-roots organization who wants less government, lower taxes, strong defense, strict adherence to the Constitution, an end to the evils of our permissive society and most of all our God-given right to freedom.
So once again, to recap, we want freedom for the true Americans amongst us, no more bloated government spending, less government including less stringent safety standards, less regulation on food safety and chemical pollutants, less government oversite and less corporate bureaucracy. Also, we want to live by the letter of the Constitution. It’s served us for this long, why change it? And we want a strong national defense. Why doesn’t the greatest nation on earth not have the largest army? No excuses, we need that. And we want lower taxes and a return to the decent society of our forefathers. So are you with us? Great!