Halloween Musings: It's The Great Weirdo, Charlie Brown!

With Halloween just a couple weeks away, I got to thinking about all the crazy, silly and weird things that transpire on this holiday and how it's the one time of the year where we can dress up in some disturbing, gross or ridiculous fashion (ie. as a Michael Jackson zombie, a used tampon or just Kanye West) and get away with it. Even our pets get in on the act with a little help!

Of course dressing up in wild costumes and going door-to-door begging candy from strangers isn't something you want to do all the time, but on Halloween it's normal for the kids to grab their pillow cases and put together (usually) some kind of spooky get-up and hit you up for a Snickers bar or at least some Reeses Pieces. Here's a tip for those newcomers to this holiday: avoid the cheap hard candies you buy by the pound. Kids don't want them and you are just going to get them angry. Unless you want your house to be egged, toilet-papered or otherwise desecrated, give them what they want...which is chocolate.

Many of us grew up trick-or-treating and fell in love with the holiday, including the candy, the costumes and of course the movies that have been made to pay tribute to it. But even as adults we repressed adolescents still want our Halloween fix, only now it has the additional grown-up features of alcohol, drugs and sex to further complement the occasion and we generally skip knocking on neighbor's doors looking for candy. (Unless that's your neighbor's name, in which case a big "boo-ya" for you!)

For the adults (specifically those not taking kids out trick-or-treating) there is the obligatory Halloween party. The costumes are wilder and sexier, the alcohol is flowing freely, the music is rocking out and the general mood is of complete and total reckless abandon. Throw in some beer pong, some sexy dancing, a swimming pool or hot tub and some awesome food and of course a bunch of weird, wacky people and you have yourself a fine time indeed.

In terms of costumes, you can expect to see one or more of the following at a Halloween party: a girl in lingerie with bunny ears or cat ears and nose, sexy nurse (including homicidal sexy nurse), The Joker, Sarah Palin, a guy in drag (including a guy in drag posing as Sarah Palin), the devil (guy or gal), Bruno, killer clowns, a vampire (again, both sexes), someone who crapped their pants (hopefully it's only a costume!), a Guitar Hero, a homeless guy, an angel, a witch, a pirate, an alien, a zombie, a redneck and a transformer. Of course there will be the odd guy dressed as their favorite Star Trek character or their favorite breakfast cereal, but most people just leave them alone anyway. Ewwwwwww.

And what's the deal with people getting all pushed out of shape about costumes anyway? Aren't there enough things to worry about in the world than what other people are wearing? It's not like we are going about our regular daily lives looking like zombies (well, not on purpose, anyway!) So many people complain that this is gross, or that is inappropriate or this is too revealing or whatever. Grow up people! The world isn't going to get sucked into some whirling maelstrom of chaos and destruction because some guy is wearing a pregnant nun outfit or a girls boobage is...ahem...a bit too apparent.

Yes, I know the religious "fundos" have a field day with this holiday saying we are promoting satanic blah, blah, blah and eroding the moral blah, blah, blah and forever condemning our poor, innocent children to an eternity of fire and damnation, blah, blah, blah. And to them I say, please just go find some unelectable moron to champion your pretentious, intolerant views and give the rest of us unwashed heathen a break from your sanctimonious babble.

I remember when my daughter Lissa was about 5 years old and she wanted to be Jasmine from the Disney movie "Aladdin." I took her trick-or-treating and the looks I got from some of these holier-than-thou old crones was absurd, just because she was showing her bare midriff. Come on now, it's not like I got her a stripper pole for her birthday or anything. I am happy to report that being Jasmine caused her no long-term damage to her psyche and she is neither a prostitute or a stripper. Though she is looking at a career in film. Hmmmmmm.

Seriously, I feel if it's good enough for Disney, why shouldn't it be good enough for a bunch of snarling, narrow-minded, god-fearing zealots? Seriously, it's not like I have no moral principles, I do. Now I'm no prude, but I still wouldn't let any daughter of mine wear a t-shirt that said "I'm Not Wearing Panties" or "Hell Yes, They're Real!" And that goes double for my son!

The latter is just too weird, even for me.

Have fun this Halloween! Be safe and get wild and crazy! I hear You Tube is looking for some fresh, sexy, funny, and brilliantly creative Halloween videos and you people might just be the answer to their prayers!