Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Tips For Keeping A Happy Relationship

Guys, have you ever found yourself wanting to tell your lady friend something, but then stopped yourself because you recognized that it contained a potential emotional landmine? It could be something completely innocuous, yet triggers an explosive response culminating in an irate squabble that takes days to cool off from.

I thought about this after having a weird dream recently.  I found it curious and a bit humorous and wanted to share it with my wife, but then I thought better of it.  Why?  Life experience has shown that it is not always the best path to follow.

“Who was in the dream?  Was I in the dream?  Why not?  Were you single in the dream?  Did you have a girlfriend?  Was she younger and cuter than me?  You’re a big, lying, cheating pig and I’m going to cut you in your sleep, you bastard.”

BOOM!  You just stepped on it, and, at minimum, it could take roses and a box of chocolate to repair the damage done to your relationship.  I’m not saying that some women are a bit insecure or prone to violence (cuz a guy could get seriously messed up if he did) but there are rules that need to be followed in order to maintain a harmonious relationship, and a key one is to keep your mouth shut whenever possible.

I think sometimes guys feel so comfortable with their mates that they think they can tell them anything that they could tell their friends and there will be no repercussions.  Rookie mistake.  Say, for example, you told your friend you saw your ex at the mall.  No big deal.  They acknowledge it, use some pithy statement like “it’s a small world” or something like that, and it’s over.  Move on to the next subject. 

If you told your wife or girlfriend the same thing?  BOOM! 

“Did you talk to her?  How did she look?  Was she alone?  How did it make you feel?  Do you miss her?  I bet she probably works out and looks great now, doesn’t she?  What was she wearing?  Are you still attracted to her?  Did you sleep together?  How long has this been going on?  You never loved me, did you?  I can’t believe you would do this to me, I trusted you!  Get out of the house, you miserable jerk!”

As a public service to those whose life experience hasn’t already taught them this life lesson, I am sharing some thoughts that might prevent some unnecessary strife in your relationship. 

Comparing your mate in any unflattering way, no matter how slight, can be deadly, such as “I like my mom’s spaghetti sauce better.”  And God save you if you say your ex was better at ANYTHING.  Your woman is the best at everything.  Period.

“Fine.”  If she asks you how something is, don’t use this word to describe anything to her.  Better to just remove it from your vocabulary altogether.  Use more colorful words like “That sandwich was scrumptious” or “Your blouse looks absolutely stunning.”  The exception to the rule is if she says another woman is beautiful, and asks “don’t you think so?” Astute guys will instantly recognize this as a trap and will always respond “no” or “I hadn’t noticed.”

Any reference at all to her appearance, hygiene, eating habits and sexual proclivities are off limits.  So, if she walks in sporting some botched perm or nightmare hair dye fiasco, her breath smelling of onions and canned tuna, and wearing makeup that appears to have been applied with a trowel, mums the word.  Remember, she is the embodiment of perfection.  If she asks, “be honest, does my (insert question about her appearance here), sweetie?”  Don’t take the bait.  She’s looks exquisite.  Always. End of story.  Proffer any other type of response?  BOOM!

Finally, women hate it when guys assume something is too complex for them to understand and couldn’t possibly grasp the intricacies of it, like auto mechanics, for example.  In fact, a new slang word, mansplaining, has been added to the lexicon to define men explaining something to women in a sexist or patronizing manner because the subject matter is presumably too difficult to for them to comprehend because they are females.  BOOM!  BOOM!  BOOM!  Your woman is a genius.  She chose you, didn’t she?

Of course, there are plenty of other landmines to avoid, but that would probably fill a couple of volumes. However, I hope this raises awareness of some of the things we, as guys, do that offend and otherwise provoke our gorgeous, intelligent, wonderful, creative, utterly amazing women, and that it helps to avoid an explosive faux pas in the future.

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.


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