Sophisticated Lunacy

Breaking the Silence, A Saturday Centus

2012-01-29T17:00:00.000-08:00

Don’t pay the ransom, I’ve escaped!

I wish I had been kidnapped. Then I wouldn’t have been forced to write all those term papers for school and maybe have had time to play each Saturday. I missed you all, my Centusian pals! Although academia is tapping its toes and staring at its watch right now, I just had to dig out from under it for just a few minutes and scare up a short story for week 91 of Saturday Centus.

For the random, unenlightened blog hoppers who find themselves here for the first time and have never heard of Saturday Centus, it is essentially a cult where we sacrifice Twinkies to the Goddess Centusia every Saturday (unless there’s a game on, in which case it switches to nachos) before laying down in bed for a few hours to “meditate.”

Or it could be a fun literary meme hosted by Jenny Matlock every Saturday from her blog “off on my tangent” where Jenny gives us challenging writing assignments using a supplied prompt and we have to write stories using the prompt and only an additional 100 words. You decide. You may want to do both just to be safe.

Gosh, it’s been so long since I have written one of these. I feel so deCentusized!

Nonetheless, I think I’m going to go all Ron Paul-y around here if I can’t write something for fun for a change. Thanks Jenny for your email and for waking me out of my coffee/energy drink/sleep-deprived coma long enough to post something on my horribly neglected blog once again. I hope I can keep it going for next week too!

This week’s prompt comes to us from Miss Nonna from her wonderfully delicious blog, Tasty Tales. We have 100 words plus the prompt to play with and can add a picture. No naughty talk or splitting the prompt. This week’s prompt is “We know where all the bodies are buried.” Thanks Miss Nonna!

Here is my effort for this week. I have entitled it:

Breaking the Silence

Freddy’s Bar.

The stench of stale beer, cigarettes and cheap cologne filled the small, dimly-lit room. A jukebox in the back played Jerry Reed as two old boys, Gator and JB, laughed and drank beer at the bar.

Today marked the 50th anniversary of the Hamilton brother's mysterious disappearance walking home from school in 1962.

“It’s a shame they didn’t look ‘round the Okefenokee Swamp,” smiled Gator.

“Yeah, that’s a damn shame,” winked JB.

The bartender nervously leaned in and whispered to them “You boys know anything about where they are?”

“Son, this here is Waycross. We know where all the bodies are buried.”

Editors Note:

I apologize to anyone who feels offended by the stereotypical characterization of Southerners as dirty, smelly, lazy, annoying, gun-toting, stupid, rude, racist, ball-cap wearing, illiterate, anti-Semitic, drunk driving, homophobic, foul-mouthed, white trash, religious hypocrites with cigarettes perched between their few remaining yellow-stained crooked teeth, screaming obscenities at their out-of-control children to “git back inna truck” as they head out to the prison to visit their kin.

Obviously this stereotype is inaccurate, cliche and couldn't be further from the truth.

Especially in Waycross, GA.

Again, sorry Goober.

“I mean, let’s face it, we didn’t have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back; I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark.”

- Rush Limbaugh

The Year Was 1978, A Saturday Centus

2011-12-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

Greetings fellow Centusians and those of you who are Centusiastically inclined!

This post brings you my contribution for the 83rd week of Saturday Centus, that groovy literary meme hosted by the amazing Jenny Matlock (aka "the Exalted One") at her blog off on my tangent.

I missed out on posting a story last week (and broke my streak of SC's) but I'm back to start all over again with another of Jenny's masterful mental missions.

This week our Ms. Jenny has given us an interesting prompt from which to base our stories and poems. It is the number 16.

Oh, but wait! In true Jenny fashion we don't get off quite that easy.

Our stories have to be written about ourselves when we were sixteen.

What's more, not only does it have to be autobiographical, but our word count is - yes, you guessed it - sixteen words total!

Wickedly clever, Jenny!

In writing this post memories of that era (which I had long since repressed) came flooding back. Reluctantly, then, I am a bit ill-at-ease in recounting it now. Nonetheless, here is my 16-word piece about my sixteenth year, embarrassing as it may be. I have entitled it:

The Year Was 1978

Disco ruled

with bell-bottoms,

shiny shirts,

platform heels,

gold chains,

and,

for me,

delusions of adequacy.

"I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes."

— Hunter S. Thompson

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Mom's Meatless Thanksgiving - A Saturday Centus

2011-11-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yes, it’s time to loosen those belts once again and bravely and unashamedly go for that second piece of pumpkin pie. For week 81 of Saturday Centus our gracious hostess, Ms. Jenny Matlock of her blog, off on my tangent, has given us a Thanksgiving-themed prompt from which to base our stories and poems.

This week’s prompt is “We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing.” All you need to do is write these eight words plus another 100 of your own words and post your contribution to Jenny’s meme post so we can all share in your festive take on the prompt.

Here is my story for this week. I have entitled it:

Mom’s Meatless Thanksgiving

“Mom, don’t embarrass me. Lissa worked really hard on Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t want you to spoil it for her.”

“But where is the turkey, sausage stuffing, and giblet gravy?”

“You know she’s a vegetarian, Mom.”

“Yuck! Are we eating that brown goop and that green slime? “

"Behave yourself! There’s Tofurkey, creamed spinach, pesto with kelp noodles, baked celery, Brussels sprouts, organic hemp milk, and whole wheat dinner rolls.”

“Can we go? Suddenly I’m not hungry.”

“Shhh! David is saying grace.”

“We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing for these gifts we are about to receive.”

“Um..not me!”

“Mom!!!”

"Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, Here, kitty, kitty."
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- David Letterman

Agony Of A Soccer Mom, Part Two

2011-11-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

It’s week #80 of Saturday Centus, that fun short story writing meme hosted by Ms. Jenny Matlock over yonder at her blog, off on my tangent. Each week our Ms. Jenny gives us a prompt and sets our imaginations loose to create stories and poems of 100-words or less. Now and then she throws us a curve ball and gives us a photo prompt or a different word count or some such twist.

Last week’s photo prompt was, well…twisted. We were to write a 100-word story based upon the perspective of someone at the window of a home in the background of the photo showing a soccer team of red-haired children in the foreground. What could be weird about that, right? LOL!

Why do I mention this? Well, because our beloved Jenny has decided to keep the twistiness going this week as well by keeping the same picture and having us write a continuation of last week’s story shifting the perspective from the person at the window to the perspective of one of the children (circled in pink) pictured in the photo. Click here to link to my story from last week.

Here is my continuation story for this week’s Saturday Centus. I have given it the clever and original moniker of:

Agony of a Soccer Mom, Part Two

“Look! It’s Brittany’s crazy mom!”

“Ugh! “

(thinks to herself)

Yes, I see you mom. Everyone does.

You are embarrassing me again!

Whenever I’m involved with something you ruin it for me - like attacking my ballet instructor for not casting me as lead in “Serenade.”

One year you made harassing phone calls to the director for casting someone else to play Princess Winnifred in “Once Upon A Mattress.”

I’m not the most talented, most beautiful, most athletic, most perfect person!

I’m just Brittany, and I’m fine with that.

If only you could be too.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world

more embarrassing than a parent.

- Dave Barry

Agony Of A Soccer Mom - A Saturday Centus

2011-11-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

By now everyone is familiar with Saturday Centus, that 100-word story-writing meme that has everybody talking, right? Well, we can thank Jenny Matlock, that idol of millions and principal inventor of the blogosphere, for creating this wonderful literary challenge for us each week at her blog off on my tangent. It is week #79 of this fun meme and time for me to take another shot at micro-fiction writing!

This week our "Divine Miss M" has given us a photo prompt from which to base our stories or poems. In the photo are some kids playing soccer and off to the left is seen a house with a window. Our assignment this week is to write from the perspective of someone at this window. So my goal is to shoot for scoring a net 100 word story with no penalties by using foul language or going out of bounds with my word count. You should try it too. It will be a kick!

Here is the photo. My 100-word contribution follows below. I have entitled it:

Agony Of A Soccer Mom

“Wow, what an exciting game!

Go Duncan, go! Way to pass that ball!

C’mon Kenna! Don’t let them score again!

Let’s go team! Let’s show these guys what Matlock’s Hardware Hooligans are made of!

Hey other team…you guys are losers! Go cry to your mama, #4! You stink!

Hey coach, how about giving my daughter Brittany a little more playing time? Coach???

Hey coach!!!!

I forgot, he can’t hear me from my window.

Damn, I wish they’d let me back on the field again. My team needs me.

This restraining order blows.”

"Hell hath no fury like a losing soccer mom."

- Unknown

Enter Darkness, A Saturday Centus

2011-11-03T13:02:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday Centus time again, the 78th week to be precise, and I am once again woefully behind in my blog posting duties. Fortunately I have time enough to squeeze in a tiny story or two before time runs out for this week’s dark-themed meme scheme.

Dark-themed?

Yes, you heard correctly. Our wonderful hostess Jenny Matlock from her blog, off on my tangent, has given us a visual prompt from which to base our stories and poems. It’s a black rectangle. That’s it. Sort of Halloweeny-ish you might say. Oh, and we have 25 whole words to accomplish the task too.

The usual rules apply, especially no splitting the prompt. Additionally, and I can’t stress this enough for some of you, that typing your post with your feet while playing the Ukulele wearing only a bowler hat is not permitted. That would just be too weird, even for a Centusian.

Insofar as we are dealing with only 25 word stories here, I have a couple of story ideas I wanted to drop on you this week. So if you will indulge me, here are my contributions for this week’s Saturday Centus:

Bedtime

Alone.

Trapped in another stygian nightmare.

Gloomy realm of the terrifying shadow-people.

The floor creaks.

They come for me.

Where is my night light?

Despicable Me

The candidate’s day was done.

No more speeches, interviews or promises.

Lifting a glass of wine, he smiled

at the dark reflection of his soul.

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sowing Seeds of Unrest - A Saturday Centus

2011-10-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome Centusians, and all the rest of you unwashed heathen out there who have yet to discover the addictive properties inherent in writing micro-fiction each week! Come on and give it a try if you haven't yet! All the cool kids are doing it!

This little fictional foray of mine is for the 77th weekly installment of Jenny Matlock's Saturday Centus, a challenging and inspired writing meme hosted by Ms. Jenny at her blog off on my tangent.

Each Saturday our beloved teacher, Ms. Jenny, assigns us a prompt which we must lovingly incorporate into a story or poem using only 100 additional words. There are other rules too, like no vulgarity, no pictures, no splitting the prompt and &$%# like that, but you can basically do what you want.

Jenny and the other Centusians are a very forgiving bunch and will likely allow you to live if, for example, your word count strays outside the accepted limit.

Just to be safe I wouldn't push her on it, though.

This prompt for this week's Saturday Centus is "I planted a little story seed." This week I attempted to write my effort in rhyme format. I have entitled it:

Sowing Seeds Of Unrest

Weary of the day’s routine,

A break from work I sought.

With a mind for mischief,

I hatched an impish plot.

I saw Britney at her desk

Waiting for calls to come.

A perfect subject for my ruse

Cute, but a little dumb.

I planted a little story seed

Of big changes headed her way.

With our company in crisis

And jobs outsourced to Bombay.

“Oh, I know! It’s tragic!

But I’m sorry to say it’s true.

I saw the company’s layoff list.

One of the names was you.”

My shock and fear turned to relief

When the pieces fell into place.

I suddenly knew I’d been deceived

As a wry smile crossed her face.

"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible,

ask him to dribble a football."

- Anonymous

A Little Piece of Heaven

2011-10-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Centusians assemble!

It's time once again for that weekly creative writing exercise known as Saturday Centus. This is the seventy-sixth week of this fun and challenging literary meme hosted by the incomparable Ms. Jenny Matlock of her blog, off on my tangent.

While we are normally given a text prompt from which to base our stories upon, this week Ms. Jenny has given us a photo instead. In addition to the usual 100 word limit, we are also tasked with using a literary device, Sensory Details, in creating our stories.

This means that we are to incorporate the senses of touch, hearing, smell, taste and sight in relation to the image in concocting our stories and poems. Sound easy? Well let's see you try writing one then!

After writing our stories we post them to Jenny's meme post so we can all share our takes on this week's assignment.

This is my submission for this week's Saturday Centus challenge. I have entitled it:

A Little Piece of Heaven

Klamath Falls was a far cry from the din of urban life Marv and Sharon had been used to, but living in harmony with nature in an old forest cabin had always been their dream.

Marv loved the feeling of twigs and leaves crackling under his feet and the fresh scent of damp earth mingled with the wet bark of the pine forest.

Intoxicating.

Much like the aroma of Sharon’s delicious homemade bread baking in the cabin’s hearth oven and served up warm with a bowl of her famous beef stew.

“Now this is heaven” Marv grinned happily.

"Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

- John Wayne

A Blurred Vision of the Future, A Saturday Centus

2011-10-15T00:02:00.000-07:00

Here I go again sneaking in my entry for week 75 of Saturday Centus at the last minute. Academia has a nasty habit of stifling my creative juices, but I have to try for the sake of my reputation as a teeny-tiny story writer! Jenny Matlock, from her blog off on my tangent, has challenged us with the prompt "Friday Night Football" this week.

My 100-word effort this week is entitled:

A Blurred Vision Of The Future

January 20, 2016

Dawn rose on the third year of the Rick Perry Presidency. The “Texaficashun” of the country was going well.

He replaced the Department of Education with the Department of Righteousness and declared Christianity the official religion of the U.S., referring to all others as “godless terrists.”

But by far his biggest contribution to society, besides introducing public executions as half-time shows at Friday night football games, was the Great Wall of America separating America and Mexico.

Few then could imagine it would be used to keep Americans from illegally crossing the border into Mexico to seek a better life.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

- George W. Bush

When All Hope Is Lost, A Saturday Centus

2011-10-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's week 74 of Saturday Centus, that brilliantly devised literary meme forged from the fertile imagination of Jenny Matlock at her blog "off on my tangent."

This week's exercise in micro-fiction has us once again concocting short 100-word stories in addition to a supplied prompt. As usual I am a tardy participant, but I have an excuse - I had to save a house from a burning baby. Yeah, that's the ticket!

This week's clever prompt is "The number you have reached is no longer in service." I found this to be quite a challenging prompt, actually, but I managed to write something anyway. So even if it's awful I only have to live with it until next week's SC post!

The rules for this week are that we have to keep to the word count of 110 words total including the 10 prompt words and no more than 100 extra words. As always, there is no vulgarity or splitting the prompt allowed, but we can use a photo if we want this week.

Here is my entry for this week's assignment. I have entitled it:

When All Hope Is Lost

(dialing)

“I’m so depressed.

I’ve been unemployed for 2 ½ years and now I’m completely broke.

The Republicans refuse to pass the President’s jobs bill, but won’t extend unemployment benefits.

(ringing)

Cold.

Heartless.

Bastards.

They’ve slashed education and health services. I can't get job training or medical assistance.

(ringing)

Instead they’re giving billions to their filthy rich donors and corporate masters.

After tomorrow I will be homeless.

I can’t live like that.

(click)

‘The number you have reached is no longer in service. Please check your number and dial again.’

Perfect! That’s the last time I try to call the Suicide hotline.”

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

- Woody Allen

Mad About Professionals

2011-09-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Here is my week #73 entry for Saturday Centus, that crazy fun writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock of her blog, off on my tangent. Once again I am a little tardy. I prefer to think of it as fashionably late.

In Jenny's continuing efforts to sharpen our writing skills (like last week's masterful 32 word song lyric challenge to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star") our visionary leader has once again reached into her inventive bag of tricks to pull out another creative exercise to challenge her many Centusian followers.

This week's assignment is all about dialogue and only dialogue. Our stories can use up to 150 of our own words and this weeks supplied prompt words which are "Are you seriously ordering another martini?" for a total of 156 words. The other rules are no pictures, vulgarity of splitting the prompt.

This week's chatty entry is entitled:

Mad About Professionals

“I hate these airport bars. Bartender, another martini please! Look at these professionals with their suits and briefcases scurrying around the country like rats chasing cheese. They disgust me.”

“Now Ron, there’s no reason to condemn them. They are just trying to earn a living."

“No, you're wrong. They are lousy, money-grubbing, narcissistic, pretentious, paper shufflers! They make me sick, Dave.”

“Settle down, Ron. That’s just the alcohol talking. Not everyone is just focused on wealth and power. There are some good people too."

“Save it, Dave. You don’t know how much it pains me to have to smile and be cordial to these cretins. Bartender, another martini here…and don’t skimp on the olives this time!"

"Are you seriously ordering another martini?"

“Why not? Lots of people have a few drinks to relax before they take a flight.”

“That’s true. But you’re not a passenger. You’re the pilot.”

On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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For My Wife, A Saturday Centus

2011-09-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

I'm back again to participate in Jenny Matlock's fun and challenging writing meme, Saturday Centus! For week #72, our wonderful Miss Jenny has really raised the bar by assigning us a very challenging and unique task. We are charged with creating a song lyric to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" using the prompt "In the Autumn."

Oh but wait, there's more! We have to write this week's rhyming lyrical Centus using no more than 32 words total including the prompt! Yes, not even the usual 100 words! That Jenny is an evil genius! How does she come up with these awesome challenges? What fun!

Make sure and stop by Jenny's blog, "off on my tangent" to read all the other entries this week and share some bloggy love! And speaking of love I have dedicated this week's post to my sweet wife, Teresa. I have entitled this week's post:

For My Wife

In the Autumn of my life,

Glad you are my darling wife.

You indulge my silly ways

Like it was a childish phase.

Happy, laughing all the time

Loving you is so sublime.

*And don't think that I am fishing for some token of appreciation from my wife for writing this in her honor. That would be just crass. However if you would like to offer her any suggestions on how I should be rewarded, feel free to do so below. -- TG

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying."

- Unknown

A Celestial Message, A Saturday Centus

2011-09-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

It’s time for another submission to ~~Monday~~ Saturday Centus! This is week 71 of this delightfully challenging literary meme hosted by that tremendously talented and whimsical blogger extraordinaire, Jenny Matlock, of her blog off on my tangent. I’m a little late, but I have an excuse from my mom, so it’s okay. See….

”Please excuse Tom for being late with his Centus. He’s a bit of a nincompoop.

Signed,

Tom’s Mom”

Actually, this week I churned out my usual flippant Centus piece but had second thoughts about posting it given the somber proceedings taking place across the country in recognition of the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. So I went back to the drawing board (which looks surprisingly like a laptop) and wrote something a bit more serious to show respect for those lost and the loved ones they left behind.

Don’t worry though. I’m sure next week I will be back to writing the dopey, silly, wacky ramblings of a depraved mind that is my typical fashion.

For those of you new to Saturday Centus, where the hell ya’ been? The rules to this meme are simple and few. Jenny gives us a short phrase or prompt which we have to incorporate just as it is written in a story or poem. The challenge is that we only have (usually) 100 words plus the prompt with which to complete the assignment.

One hundred words is not a lot of words to develop a story, which is why word choice becomes so important and why we have to tearfully edit our stories down like good little Centusians to hit the proper word count. The other rules include no vulgarity and no pictures unless permission is granted by Jenny to include one. Did I leave anything out, Centusians?

If you haven’t tried writing one of these yet you need to! It will change your life forever and invariably lead to world peace and universal harmony. If you don’t…well, we’ll just have to find you wherever you are hiding and ~~beat you to a bloody pulp~~ give you a very stern look of disappointment. Be warned!

This week’s prompt is “Mother may I,” an interesting jumping off point for any writing project to be sure. Please click on Jenny’s button and read all the other entries this week to see where this week’s crop of writers took the prompt! We have a lot of really creative folks each and every week and you will undoubtedly enjoy the literary journeys they take you on!

Here is my submission for this week’s Saturday Centus. Once again I’m having a go at writing in verse. I have entitled it:

A Celestial Message

Mother may I chat with thee?

Through this dream I set you free.

It’s been ten years since that fateful day

when thousands of lives were snatched away.

Horror filled the airways then,

while our nation did cry and moan.

Such cowardly acts by evil men,

villains with hearts of stone.

From afar I’ve felt your fears.

Let this news now soothe your soul

The time has come to dry your tears.

Your appointed guardian is my role

Smile and know I’m with you now

until your days are done.

Peace and joy I bring to you

for I am your angel son.

"Even the smallest act of service, the simplest act of kindness, is a way to honor those we lost, a way to reclaim that spirit of unity that followed 9/11.”

- President Barack Obama

The Right Kind of Pizza, A Saturday Centus

2011-09-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday which means it is Centus time! This is that one time of the week when I stretch my writing muscles and attempt to write some micro-fiction based upon a supplied prompt from Jenny Matlock, our Centusian spiritual leader and the host of her blog, off on my tangent.

For week 70 Jenny has given us the prompt "what kind of pizza is this" and directed us to write a story or poem using 100 words or less plus the prompt words. No vulgarity and no splitting the prompt is allowed, but pictures are okay this week. I went a little over on the word count, but it's only because I love pizza and my words fell like toppings from that great big Domino's Pizza in the sky and it seemed almost sacrilegious to slice them away.

Yeah, I didn't think you would buy that one either.

Speaking of cutting things, my story takes on a more political bent this week as I try to mentally grapple with the batcrap crazy Republican sideshow that is playing out in the media each day. In a way, then, this story is a form of therapy for me as it allows me to vent my frustration with the right-wing wackos and what the media calls their "low information" base (code word for ignorant hicks).

The setup for this story is an interview with a pizza restaurant owner who delivers to Capitol Hill lawmakers during those important late-night sessions where the most critically important issues facing our country are discussed, debated and voted on such as naming post offices and courthouses, a resolution commending the University of Georgia gymnastics team for winning a championship, and most importantly, a resolution proclaiming a National Corvette Day. Ah, it just makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

Here is my contribution for this week. I have entitled it:

The Right Kind of Pizza

“Making pizzas for Washington D.C. lawmakers is hard. Their tastes, like their politics, run to the extreme. We've named a few pizzas after them to simplify their orders.

Our Michelle Bachmann pizza uses only all-white cheeses on a cracker-thin crust topped with olives (not black olives!) and pine nuts.

The Ron Paul pizza is just a crust. You add your own toppings at home like our Founding Fathers would have done.

The Rick Perry pizza has one giant meatball on a thin crust with lots of fake cheese."

“So what kind of pizza is this?”

“Oh, yeah that’s the GOP Pizza named for its green peppers, onions and pepperoni. It’s only half-baked, heavy with oil, very cheesy, and smells like crap.”

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
--- Jay Leno

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A Rude Awakening, A Saturday Centus

2011-08-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

I’m back again (albeit a bit late) for week 69 of Saturday Centus, a terrific writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent. It’s my 68^th attempt at this marvelous, madcap monument to micro-fiction and it is still as fun and challenging now as ever!

This week Ms. Jenny has served up an interesting prompt to incorporate into our stories. The prompt is “Surprise! I’m pregnant!” She is always keeping us on our toes with these prompts of hers. I can hardly wait to see what she will come up with to confound and perplex us next week!

This week we have a total of 100 words plus the three prompt words to craft something fun or interesting to share with our fellow Centusians and bloggy buddies.

In addition to keeping the word count at or below 103, the rules are that we can’t use vulgarity (not even Spanish vulgarity…I checked) and we can’t split or alter the prompt in any way. We can, however, use a picture this week, so I'm loving that!

Without further ado, here is my take on this week’s prompt. I have entitled it:

A Rude Awakening

The text from my girlfriend said “Come home soon…big surprise!”

Unbeknownst to her I was already on the way…with a surprise of my own.

During a huge presentation I suddenly sneeze-farted…three times. This unleashed laughter and pandemonium. The Japanese executives were not amused and pulled their advertising account.

I was fired on the spot.

Nadya smiled as I drove up. Over the shrieks of several small children I heard her exclaim, “Surprise! I’m pregnant! It’s octuplets!”

That’s when I woke up screaming. It had all been a nightmare. The Octomom wasn’t really my girlfriend after all.

Denny's is offering a breakfast special in honor of the "Octomom," Nadya Suleman. It's eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy in the next booth has to pay for it.

A Soldier's Letter Home, A Saturday Centus

2011-08-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Centusians and wannabe Centusians, it's Saturday and that means another Saturday Centus! Yay!

(Sing along!)

Who's the leader of the meme that's made for you and me,

J -E-N, N-Y-M A-T-L-O-C...and a K!

(Yeah, I know, that bites...I'll work on it)

Welcome to another rootin-tootin literary love-fest of writers and readers and people who just like to look at the pictures and drool on the keyboard.

(Ooooh! Look at the pretty colors!)

This is week 68 of this fun and challenging writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent. Every Saturday you are invited to stop by Jenny's blog and submit your own story using her supplied prompt.

The rules are that you have to keep it to the specified word count, no pictures, no dirty words and no splitting the prompt. So why not play along? You have a whole week to link up!

This week our Ms. Jenny is feeling quite generous and is allowing us a whole 150 words plus the prompt for our stories. Usually our word count is 100, but lately they have been 50 or fewer, so this is definitely exciting for us Centusians. In fact you could say we are "Centusiastic" about this weeks word count!

*crickets*

Well, anyway, this week Jenny has given us a prompt that is sure to inspire some interesting stories, maybe even some funny ones, though I kind of doubt it. This week's prompt is "If I die young." I am more than a bit curious about how the other Centusians are going to spin this one this week!

Click on the button and read all the other submissions this week. They are a quick read and probably not as depressing as my entry this week which I have entitled:

A Soldier's Letter Home

Dearest,

This world is a violent place. Whether one is a soldier or a child in the suburbs, there will always be those who wish us harm. Every day can be a last day

My good friend Bill was killed today when his convoy was struck by an IED. He was 25. He left behind a wife and baby daughter.

I tell you this not to scare you, but to share with you my wishes for you and our son Tommy should the worst happen.

If I die young, carry my memory as you would a song in your heart; a love song that reaches through the clouds to touch your soul.

Pass on my hopes and dreams to our son that he may claim them for his own if he wishes.

Finally, never forget how loved you both are and how blessed I am to have such an amazing family.

Love Always,

Wayne

If ignorance is bliss...then why aren't the Tea Partiers and right-wing extremists happy?

Adventures in Chat Speak, A Saturday Centus

2011-08-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

I’m back again to try my hand at a little fiction, and I mean little! This is week 67 of Saturday Centus, that fun literary meme that all the intelligent, non-whack job Republican Presidential candidates are raving about.

(Uh…and that would be who???)

Whoops, sorry….they are just raving. Never mind.

Anyway, thanks to the delightful Ms. Jenny Matlock of her blog “off on my tangent,” our host for this excursion into micro fiction, we are challenged to come up with a story or poem or song or rap or whatever based upon a supplied prompt, but are only able to use a maximum of 50 words this week plus the prompt.

This week the prompt Ms. Jenny has given us to incorporate into our stories is “laugh out loud.” And I have no doubt that many of the entries linked to her meme post will make you do just that! Here is my contribution to this week’s silliness. I have entitled it:

Adventures in Chat Speak

“Thank you for introducing me to Facebook, Tom,” she said.

“Well just don’t get addicted to it,” I warned.

“LOL! Don’t worry I won’t.”

“Mom, did you just say ‘LOL,’ as in ‘laugh out loud’? You’re not supposed to say it, just type it."

“OMG. I’m sorry!”

“ROFL!”

People took LSD to make the world weird...

now they take Prozac to make it normal.

Beach Blanket Melanoma, A Saturday Centus

2011-08-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

This post is for Week 66 of Saturday Centus...yes, that's right, last Saturday's Centus. I'm a bit slow.

Part of the problem though was that Jenny Matlock from her blog "off on my tangent," the hostess and leader of this ragtag bunch of literary rebels, the Centusians, gave us another sun-inspired prompt this week. The week before was a picture of an egg frying on a sidewalk.

(Obsess much?)

Anyway, being from California, when I think of sunshine I naturally think of the beach, sand, waves, beach balls and, oh yeah, sexy hot bikini beach babes. So when it came time to choose a pic of a beach ball or a particularly gnarly wave to go with my story (because Jenny allowed us to have one this week, God bless her heart) I was torn as to which to choose. That's when it hit me to use a photo of a sexy hot bikini beach babe instead.

Yeah, I know. I was inspired.

Well, apparently there are a lot of good photos online of sexy hot bikini beach babes. Who knew?

In fact I discovered that to see all of them would take almost a week, allowing for occasional sleep and potty breaks. But after some extremely extensive research (and using up all my vacation and sick days) I can now present to you the following story based upon the prompt "you are my sunshine" with an accompanying photo.

The one catch this week was that we were only allowed to use a maximum of 50 words plus the 4 prompt words. Maybe next time we have a sun-related Centus we can do 50 photos with no words. I have a bunch downloaded and ready to go. Just saying.

Okay, so this Saturday Half-Centus is entitled "Beach Blanket Melanoma." I hope you enjoy it.

Remembering a youth spent frolicking in the surf of Malibu, Tawny hummed “you are my sunshine” as sunlight streamed through the window.

The tiny bikinis and bronze skin were just memories for this ex-beach babe.

“Mrs Campbell, the doctor will see you now.”

Skin cancer, sagging cheeks and deep wrinkles were her life now.

It is just a matter of time before clever, witty people have a quotation attributed to them.

-- Jenny Matlock

Sunny Side Up - A Saturday Centus

2011-07-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

Hello and a hearty welcome to my fellow bloggers, poets and fans of the written word! This is my contribution, albeit a little late, to week 65 of Jenny Matlock's wildly fun and entertaining writing meme called Saturday Centus.

From her blog, off on my tangent, Jenny posts a prompt every Saturday that we Centusians use to write very short 100-word stories or poems. Then we link them back to Jenny's blog post so that we can all share with each other the diverse directions we went with the prompt! It's a lot of fun and something I look forward to each week. If you haven't tried it yet, what's stopping you!

This week our illustrious teacher has decided to challenge us once again by offering up this photo in lieu of a written prompt from which to base our stories. As much of the country is sweltering in triple digit temperatures lately, (well except for us in California where the weather is nearly always perfect) the image of an egg frying on a sidewalk is symbolic of the abject misery so many are being forced to endure.

Poetry has never been my bailiwick, though I do enjoy reading it and the brilliant imagery it holds. There are some exceptionally talented poets that contribute to this meme whom you will no doubt quite enjoy reading if you are so inclined. Stepping out of my comfort zone again this week I have written a silly rhyming verse that I hope you will enjoy. It is a continuation of sorts of a well-known English nursery rhyme. I have entitled this week's effort:

Sunny Side Up

Trumpets blared a sad refrain

Heard throughout the land

To quickly spread the awful news

Of the tragedy at hand.

Though they tried to save him

Their efforts proved in vain.

His injuries were too severe

For him to live again.

“Humpty Dumpty will be missed,”

Declared the parish priest.

“But no memory will be more tightly held,

Than this fabulous funereal feast.”

The sun’s blistering heat

Had turned the sidewalk to a grill.

Watching their friend fry like that

Gave some an eerie chill.

“A toast to our fallen friend,

As an egg he couldn’t be beat.

So beloved was he during his life,

And now as a breakfast treat.”

He who throws dirt loses ground.

Not In This Lifetime, A Saturday Centus

2011-07-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

This is the 64th week of Saturday Centus, a fun and challenging literary meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog off on my tangent.

Most weeks Ms. Jenny holds us to just 100 words plus the supplied prompt with which to craft our little stories and poems.

This week, however, the heat has apparently gotten to her, the poor dear. She's shaken things up in Centusland by allowing us a mere 15 words in addition to the prompt.

Don't worry Jenny. Help is on the way. Step away from the light! Medical personnel are right now rushing to your aid with a pitcher of Margaritas! Get well soon!

This week's prompt is "Before I die I want to...." and was inspired by this building in New Orleans.

My epic 21-word submission this week is entitled:

Not In This Lifetime

Before I die I want to

Write a bestseller,

Win the lottery

And have a sane government.

Hey, I can dream!

It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't

based on the obligation to say something sensible.

Trouble In Paradise, A Saturday Centus

2011-07-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my contribution to week 63 of Saturday Centus. Our wonderful host for this fun meme, Jenny Matlock from her blog off on my tangent, has decided to do a little shake-up this week. Instead of the usual 100 word limit, we are to use only 25 words this week plus the prompt which is "I'm not getting any younger."

As if 100 words wasn't hard enough! Thanks Jenny for a fun prompt and for challenging our creativity once again! Here is my teeny-tiny effort for this week. I have entitled it:

Trouble In Paradise

“Aaugh!

I spend hours getting pretty for you, but you don’t care.

I’m not getting any younger, Charlie.”

“Or thinner!”

"I'll kill you."

"Just get me a beer first."

The four most important words in any marriage...I'll do the dishes.

- Anonymous.

Just Misunderstood

2011-07-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

Here's my week 62 Saturday Centus effort, squeaking in just before the deadline. The prompt for week 62 from Ms. Jenny Matlock from her blog off on my tangent is "and the sign read..." Here is my 100 word effort for this week. I have entitled it:

Just Misunderstood

The neighbors on Spruce Lane said Mr. Mooney was crazy.

Wearing a thick wool sweater and neoprene shorts wasn’t weird enough. He had to don the Pith helmet and ballerina slippers too.

His front yard revealed other clues that he was of unsound mind. Like the signs…so many signs! “Welcome to Thursday,” “Free the Lemons,” and “Fish Crossing,” were among them. Another clanged against the rusted metal gate, and the sign read “Do not feed the grysbok.”

Painting the trees with phosphorescent paint was definitely different too.

Yes, to the neighbors he was “Loony Mooney,” but to me he was just Dad.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand

in a closet for five minutes without moving.

He said it was elevator practice.

Democracy Under Assault, A Saturday Centus

2011-07-03T02:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Fourth of July weekend to my fellow Centusians and bloggy buddies and welcome to my contribution to week 61 of Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus! As you probably already know Saturday Centus is Jenny’s inspired literary dream-child which she graciously shares with us each week from her blog off on my tangent.

I am a day late joining in this week because I spent Saturday soaking up the deep-fried ambience of our local county fair. There, with massive corndog in hand, I studiously examined the many interesting exhibits and grade school art projects as the intoxicating aroma of livestock filled my senses. A day full of sensory delights to be sure!

The way SC works is Jenny gives us a prompt each Saturday morning, usually a written phrase but sometimes a photo, and we are assigned to write a short 100-word piece using that prompt. The rules of this meme state that the prompt cannot be split or altered in any fashion. Also vulgarity and photos or illustrations are not allowed except by special permission of Jenny.

Even heavily censored vulgar photos with black “censored” boxes over the various naughty parts will absolutely not fly so don’t even attempt it. And you know who I’m talking to, don’t you?

Writing with a maximum word limit of 100 words plus the prompt is a great way to learn how to write succinctly and be selective in your word choices. Plus it is always a lot of fun to face the challenge and complete it each week. After writing your story you need to link it back to Jenny’s meme post so the rest of us can read it and enjoy your creative take on the prompt. Just click on the Saturday Centus button to see what other writers have submitted.

In honor of The Fourth Of July, our beloved Jenny has given us a prompt of “Oh, say can you see” to get our creative juices clicking on all cylinders. In a bit of a departure for me I have offered up a bit of verse this week as my contribution. What isn’t a departure for me are the political overtones. I apologize in advance to any I might offend, but seriously if we don’t stop this insane Republican power-grab our country is doomed! I have entitled this week’s submission:

Democracy Under Assault

Oh, say can you see

What the hell’s going on?

Betrayal in D.C.,

Is their sanity gone?

Evil men full of greed,

Such as John, Paul and Mitch,

Willfully deny those in need.

While giving billions to the rich.

They lie and promise a better future

Better yes, for their corporate masters,

While the rest of us share a different fate.

As they make our lives a disaster.

We need to vote out these buffoons

And end their power-hungry ascent.

America was meant for all to enjoy

Not just the richest two percent.

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%."

- Conan O'Brien

The Letter, A Saturday Centus

2011-06-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday and I'm ready with my contribution for week 60 of Saturday Centus! Somebody pinch me because I think I'm dreaming! For once I'm not tardy to the party.

This week our beloved host Jenny Matlock from her blog, off on my tangent, has given us another interesting and challenging assignment. Instead of the normal 100 word limit for our short stories and poems, this week in honor of the 60th week of Saturday Centus we have a mere 60 words to work with.

I love these short, short writing assignments! They are so quick and easy and perfect for a busy Saturday morning. If that weren't enough, the prompt we were given to work with this week is "Dear John." What fun!

I've never personally received a "Dear John" letter, but imagine that it can carry with it a great deal of grief and sadness for the recipient (John). This is why I tried to write one as any loving girlfriend might to her boyfriend to let him know (with all the sensitivity and understanding that could be squeezed into 60 words) that their long relationship was now over.

Total FAIL.

Maybe I should leave the sensitive, touchy-feely stuff to someone more suited, such as our perpetually weepy House Speaker John Boehner.

Here is my contribution this week. I have entitled it:

The Letter

Dear John,

I’m leaving you.

I know we said we’d be together forever, but while you’ve been away in Iraq I’ve been seeing your best friend, Matt.

The truth is that Matt is smarter, better looking and will go far in life.

Plus, he will give me beautiful children.

I hope we can all still be friends.

Donna

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
~ Steve Martin

All Sales Are Final, A Saturday Centus

2011-06-24T00:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome one and all to Sophisticated Lunacy, the blog that gives you last week's blog post today! Okay, well not exactly. But as usual I'm running behind because it has been a terribly busy week! In a good way this time! So let me squeeze in week 59 of Saturday Centus the day before week 60 Saturday Centus is posted by the blogger meme queen herself, Ms. Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent.

The Saturday Centus, for the benefit of those who recently joined the 21st century, is a creative writing meme where we are given a prompt, usually a short phrase and sometimes a picture, and we are invited to write a short story or poem using only an additional 100 words. This week's prompt comes to us courtesy of Jeff from his blog Tennessee Mudbug. The prompt he has given us this week is "within the stone." Thank you Jeff!

Here is my weird take on the prompt this week. I have entitled my short piece:

All Sales Are Final

“I want that!”

The item description on EBay referred to it as a small, carved stone sarcophagus of indeterminate origin and age.

For a collector like Bryan Thomas, an aficionado of the macabre, he couldn’t pass it up.

When it finally arrived a few days later he was delighted to find that within the stone coffin there was a small mummy.

“Obviously this isn’t real. It’s too small to be human.”

The piece took its honored place on his coffee table.

Until days later when the cat went missing and there were small, bloody footsteps leading back to the sarcophagus….

"Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy.

Forget it, little friend."

-- Jack Handy

Behind The Wall, A Saturday Centus

2011-06-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

Hey my peeps! Thought I would sneak a last-minute story in before the deadline for week 58 of Saturday Centus. You know Saturday Centus, that fun-filled literary meme where most people write and post their stories on Saturday instead of the following Friday? What can I say, I'm an underachiever!

Hosted by that incomparable wit, Ms. Jenny Matlock, at her blog off on my tangent, the Saturday Centus is a weekly writing exercise where Ms. Jenny supplies us with a prompt and we have 100 words to create something clever and interesting from it.

This week, with the assistance of Miss Nonna Beach of Tasty Tales, Jenny has given us an additional 100 words to work with, thus sparing countless babies in the process. The prompt for this week is "the wall was built long ago." Thanks Nonna for the cool prompt! Here is my last-minute take on the prompt. I have entitiled it:

Behind The Wall

The wall was built long ago.

For thousands of years it stood silently, a stone sentinel protecting their town from an evil whose face was long-since forgotten. Horrific stories of plagues, madness and suffering on an epic scale on the other side of the wall had been passed down from one generation to another frightening the townsfolk and stifling thoughts of venturing beyond its boundaries.

But no one really knew the truth about the wall, who built it, or why.

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. With such short arms and legs it was impossible to climb over, even with help, let alone climb back over alone. So life simply went on as it had since those dark times when the wall was built.

Like packs of wild animals, their hunger pushed them into the streets each night in pursuit of food. Descending upon a young family, a fierce struggle ensued with fangs and claws tearing away at flesh. Outnumbered, the couple and their children were slaughtered and served as the evening meal. Killing and eating each other was just a part of everyday existence there in Fukushima City.

You see, the wall was built long ago. But it was built to keep them in.

Never underestimate the power

of stupid people in large groups.

The Rapture, A Saturday Centus

2011-06-05T01:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my contribution to week 57 of Saturday Centus, a fun and challenging writing meme hosted by that darling of Arizona’s high-society (yes, there is one) and everyone’s favorite literary blogosopher (which is not a real word yet, but should be by next week), Jenny Matlock!

Each Saturday her legion of Centusian followers makes the cyber-trek to her blog, off on my tangent, to receive their instructions for the week’s writing exercise. On a typical Saturday we will be given a prompt, generally a short phrase but occasionally she’ll use a photo, and we are tasked with writing a short story or poem using said prompt and only 100 words.

Well, this isn’t your typical Saturday here in Centusland!

In what could aptly be described as a Saturday Quarter-Centus, Miss Jenny has challenged us to complete this week’s assignment using only 25 words and the prompt, “the end.” The other rules of Centus forbid the use of vulgarity and photos or illustrations as well as the altering of the prompt.

Now I know that 25 words doesn’t sound like a lot when it comes to writing a story, nor 27 words for that matter, but these are not your typical writers you’ve got here. Centusians are highly-skilled wordsmiths who have honed their skills in ridiculously short story writing for over a year now, so click on the Saturday Centus button and check out their various takes on this week’s prompt. You will be amazed what can come from 25 words and “the end.”

Here is my submission for this week’s 25-word challenge. I have entitled it:

The Rapture

Like a fool I gave it all away.

The end, they said, was nigh.

Pitied those left to stay

As heaven-ward I’d fly.

My poor, deluded soul.

Postscript

Rev. Harold Camping, the 89-year-old president of Family Radio, a 150-station Christian broadcasting network and the originator of the May 21^st rapture claim, has now reinterpreted his prophecy to say that May 21^st was a “spiritual” judgment day and that the world will still come to an end on October 21, 2011. The millionaire broadcasting mogul told the press that his company would not return money donated by followers to publicize the failed May 21^st prediction saying "We’re not at the end. Why would we return it?"

Here's an interesting tidbit: a poll of Republican primary voters revealed that 65% of those who felt Sarah Palin would be raptured thought the rapture was coming on May 21.

Gone But Never Forgotten, A Saturday Centus

2011-05-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

We've arrived at week 56 of Saturday Centus, that madcap literary free-for-all where writers of every ilk convene each Saturday to get the prompt for their weekly writing assignment.

Hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog off on my tangent, we are challenged to write a short story or poem using the prompt as given and no more than 100 words not including the prompt. Sounds really easy, doesn’t it? But coming up with a story and trying to develop it within the confines of only 100 words is more difficult than you might imagine.

You reach your word limit before you know it. (106 words.)

See? It’s not so easy! If you want to stretch your brain a bit and give it a go, you are welcome to try it and then post your link to Jenny’s meme post to share it with your fellow Centusians this week. The only rules are keeping it to the 100 word limit, no vulgarity, no pictures and no altering the prompt.

Give it a go and have some fun with us this week! In honor of Memorial Day Jenny has given us the prompt, "The legacy of heroes..." from which to base our stories or poems. I have entitled my contribution this week:

Gone But Never Forgotten

Fred never knew his older brother, Jay, a WWII pilot who was shot down during a mission over Stuttgart, Germany.

On his 65th birthday he decided to travel to Lorraine Cemetery in France to visit Jay’s grave.

Countless rows of white crosses stretched out before him on that hazy autumn morning. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he made his way through the thousands of graves guided by an unseen hand.

Incredibly, he stopped and fell to his knees before Jay’s grave.

For some, the legacy of heroes was freedom. For Fred it was a terrible void that would never be filled.

The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example. — Benjamin Disraeli

On The Slime Trail, A Saturday Centus

2011-05-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

Here I go sneaking in just under the wire for week 55 of Saturday Centus! It’s been a really difficult week (month, actually) but now that my first ~~Sadistics~~ (oops!) Statistics class is finally over (B+, thank you very much!) I have a bit of breathing room until the next ~~Sadistics~~ (oops!) Statistics class starts. Never one to pass on one of Ms. Jenny Matlock’s wonderfully fun Saturday Centus challenges at her blog, off on my tangent, I had to try and give it a last ditch effort!

The rules for this fun meme are that we are to use the supplied prompt as written in a story or poem with a maximum of 100 words not counting the prompt itself. We can’t use any vulgarity or use any pictures. I know this is a real disappointment to all those out there who were intent on using vulgar pictures with your story, but don’t worry. Your day will come.

The prompt for week 55 came courtesy of the lovely and talented Dazee Dreamer at her blog Crazy Daze & Nite Dreams. Her prompt for this week is “The reflection in the mirror...” My 100-word take on it is entitled:

“On The Slime Trail”

Backstage he readied himself for yet another performance.

Quietly he studied his speech and practiced his ad libs until he was satisfied that this Iowa audience would be eating out of his hand.

He checked his hair and straightened his tie. The reflection in the mirror exposed a smug face pitted with the ruddy scars of deceit, guilt and shame. Was it the betrayal of his first wife or his second wife? Perhaps it was his record of hypocrisy, outrageous lies and ethics violations.

None of it mattered now.

A voice boomed over the intercom, “You’re on in two Mr. Gingrich.”

“It’s showtime!”

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Suffer the Children, A Saturday Centus

2011-05-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the fifty-fourth week of Saturday Centus, that mind-stretching, word-counting, baby-chopping, literary exercise in succinct creative writing hosted by Arizona’s second most famous woman, Jenny Matlock, at her blog “off on my tangent.”

Each Saturday Jenny supplies us a prompt and the participants in this meme, or “Centusians” as we are widely known on the interwebs, have a whole week to write short 100 word stories or poems around that prompt.

If you haven’t tried it, you really should.

Especially if your name is Jayne.

The rules dictate we can write in any form we want (story, poem, recipe for vegetarian Hungarian goulash, polka song, etc.) as long as we keep it clean and don’t go over the 100 word limit excluding the prompt. Keeping that in mind, I am climbing up on my political soap box once again to rant a bit. (I tried to do a polka, but it just didn’t have the impact I’d hoped it would.) This week’s prompt is “Hush little baby, don’t you cry.”

Here is my contribution to this week’s Saturday Centus. I have entitled it:

Suffer the Children

“Mama, I’m so hungry!”

“I know, baby. Ever since the Republicans went to war against the poor and middle class, we’ve had to suffer. They don’t want us around anymore so they took away our food, homes and medical care.

“Mama, why do the ‘publicans hate us?”

“They just don’t care about us because we aren’t wealthy contributors to their campaigns.”

“But I didn’t do anything!” she sobs.

Hush little baby, don’t you cry. It’s not your fault these idiots were elected. Let’s look over in that other dumpster. Maybe there’s something to eat in there.”

And Now My Rant:

Their corporate masters have spoken and now Republicans have launched a full-scale assault on the poor and middle class. As millions in this country struggle with unemployment, hunger and homelessness, the Republican Party has released their proposed 2011 budget which calls for $6 trillion dollars in cuts over the next ten years.

Their contempt of the non-wealthy knows no bounds as even children are put in their cross-hairs. The budget calls for billions of dollars to be cut from government support of programs such as special education, students with disabilities, Head Start, and health and nutrition programs for women, children and infants.

The proposal slashes investment in infrastructure, education, ends guaranteed health care for seniors on Medicare and denies health care coverage to tens of millions of Americans while protecting tax breaks for millionaires and billionaires, corporations and their special interests. It will also lead to hundreds of thousands more becoming unemployed and cause irreparable harm to the economy.

You have to wonder why the Republicans would pander to the top 400 mega-rich people in America that control more wealth than 150 million other Americans, now wouldn’t you? Over the last 50 years the tax rates for the rich have continued to decline by 2/3 while everyone else’s has doubled, and yet Republicans continue to push for more tax cuts for the rich while throwing middle-class and poor Americans under the bus.

So stick it to the sick and poor people and suffer the little children, but by all means make the rich richer. That’s what Jesus would do, right?

And they have the nerve to claim they are the party of “moral values?”

I think someone needs to get them a dictionary.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were

a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! A Saturday Centus

2011-05-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

This is the 53^rd week of Saturday Centus, and my 52^nd attempt as a contributor to this fun and challenging writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent. Each week Jenny provides us Centusians with a prompt or photo to incorporate in a small story of no more than 100 words not including the prompt.

What makes this meme so fun for me is the challenge in trying to keep my story to that 100 word limit and not going over it. It is invariably the unique word choices and phrasing that gets you there, plus a ton of editing (or baby-chopping as some refer to it.) In the end it is the satisfaction of having met the challenge rather than what was written, which has compelled me to come back week after week for the last year.

I think writing a short story with an unlimited number of words is a great pursuit and gives you the freedom to really express yourself as colorfully and descriptively as you want. But where’s the fun in that? Sure, you can write some amazing stories that way, but writing a story using a photo of a guy wearing a blue velvet bunny suit as a prompt and adding only 100 extra words is definitely more challenging!

This week Jenny has given us a “normal” prompt to challenge our creative minds. And since I am tardy anyway and submitting this on Sunday instead of Saturday, I thought I might as well take this opportunity to spread a little Mother’s Day love at the same time. The prompt this week is “I’d like to teach the world to sing.” Here is my 100-word contribution this week. I have entitled it:

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

On Mother’s Day I recall the wonderful things Mom blessed me with: good looks, boundless wit, and savoir faire. Oh, and humility too.

“Follow your dreams” she’d always say. That, and “wash your hands.”

Some dreams should stay dreams, though. For example, I’d like to teach the world to sing. Alas, I shudder to think what Simon Cowell would say of my attempt at singing.

“Oppressively torturous” comes to mind.

Though fame and fortune continues to elude me, I can still write stories that make people smile. And that’s fine with me.

So today I say “thanks, Mom.”

And yes, I washed my hands.

Happy Mother's Day!

Robbing The Cradle, A Saturday Centus

2011-04-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

Well it’s finally here, the 52^nd week of Saturday Centus! It was one year ago that our illustrious host, Ms. Jenny Matlock on her blog “off on my tangent,” first began her Saturday Centus meme. Now a year later and with thousands of fans all over the world, it has become an iconic symbol for really short, short, short story writers everywhere.

I meant the stories are short, not us Centusians, although some of us are probably around five feet tall or so. Not that it really matters, though. Truman Capote was short, and he was a great writer. So were Margaret Mitchell and Alexander Pope for that matter. I guess what I’m trying to say is that in the writing world, anyway, size just doesn’t matter.

Boy, did I digress!

I’d love to say that I was with Jenny for that first Saturday Centus and that this week also celebrates my one year anniversary, but that isn’t the case. I didn’t discover Saturday Centus until week 2, but I’m happy to have been able to post a SC story each week since then.

Next week will my 52^nd consecutive week of writing stories to these wonderful little prompts and photos Jenny provides us. It really has been a labor of love on so many levels and I’m so appreciative to Jenny for making it all possible.

You need to pop on over to Jenny’s SC meme post this week to read the sweet and touching story about how Saturday Centus came to be. It’s really a wonderful story and a real testament to the kindness and creativity of our beloved Ms. Matlock. Just click on the Saturday Centus button and it will take you there!

In observance of this very special occasion, Jenny has given us a prompt which is very apropos. This week we are to add our 100 words to the line “Although the traditional gift for a first anniversary is paper..." The rules are the same except this week Jenny has graciously allowed us to add a picture to accompany our story. Here is my story for this week. I have entitled it:

Robbing The Cradle

“Happy Anniversary Darling,” Jeff said, handing his young wife an envelope.

“But our anniversary isn’t until Saturday…I haven’t gotten you anything yet!

“I know. It’s all handled. Although the traditional gift for a first anniversary is paper, I wanted to make this year very special. You are going to a fabulous concert by your favorite artist!

“Justin Bieber?” No way! I’m so excited! I love, love, love Justin Bieber!”

“I know, I know!”

“Wait. There’s only one ticket in here. Aren’t you coming with me to the concert?”

“Well, no I’m not. And that’s your present to me. Thank you, honey!”

I married Miss Right.

I didn't know her first name was Always.

The Velveteen Weirdo, A Saturday Centus

2011-04-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hail Centusians!

It’s time once again for another fabulously fun foray into the frightfully fleeting fiction of Saturday Centus hosted by that famed flawless fireball of the blogosphere, Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent.

This week our teacher, Ms. Jenny, has a real treat for us to help celebrate the Easter holiday, a big, bare-chested guy wearing a blue velvet bunny suit with a Playboy logo medallion!

I swear sometimes Ms. Jenny can read our minds and just know exactly what we want for a SC prompt! It’s uncanny! And what says Easter better than a mustachioed, hairy-chested man doing his best come hither look wearing a blue crushed velvet bunny suit and sporting a porn magazine logo? It is awesomeness in its truest (and bluest) form!

As you might have guessed, this week’s assignment is to use the supplied photo as a visual prompt for our 100-word stories. It’s really a shame that we can’t use more than 100 words on such an awesome subject, but those are the rules and we can’t break the rules because that would throw the world into chaos, and we don’t want that, do we? Yeah, um...we definitely...um...we don't want...hmmm.

Hey! Did one of you break the rules?

Anyway, thanks for such a festive and entertaining photo prompt, Jenny! I’m sure we will all have fun with it. Here is my submission for this week:

The Velveteen Weirdo

“Let me explain!

I’ve been depressed lately, so I went to a psychologist for help.

To feel better about myself, he suggested I choose someone real or fictional whom I admired and assume their positive characteristics. He suggested Neil Armstrong, Lou Gehrig, and Nelson Mandela as courageous, outspoken and interesting examples.

Well, I was undecided. On one hand, I always admired Hugh Hefner. On the other hand, my favorite story growing up was The Velveteen Rabbit.

I swear, officer, that’s why I am dressed like this.”

“Right, Harvey. Tell your story to the guys at Belleview, you whackadoo!”

Happy Easter Everyone!

A Review of "Sunbeams" by Claudia

2011-04-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Well it's here boys and girls, week 50 of Saturday Centus! This is the week we've all been waiting for with great anticipation because we knew that 50 weeks of short story writing was just too amazing to let go by without our lovely and charming teacher recognizing it in some fashion.

And rightfully so! This isn't some ho-hum observance that doesn't mean anything like National Tweed Day or National Hernia Awareness Month, or for that matter, Tax Day for large corporations. No, this is a celebration of writing well over one thousand tiny little stories, enough words to fill four or five good-sized novels!

In honor of this most special occasion, our most special host, Ms. Jenny Matlock of her blog off on my tangent has given us a most special assignment this week. (And no, it's not repeating "most special" as many times as you can, but thank you for playing.) This week we are to pick a Saturday Centus story from last week and do a 100-word review of it.

Now that's interesting! I've never done a review before and with such a great crop of stories to pick from with last week's "April Showers Bring May Flowers" prompt, it is going to be fun to give it a try.

I've chosen to review the story "Sunbeams" from Claudia at her blog, Claudia's Page because I enjoyed the piece and love her writing style. I will reprint her story below and include my 100-word review after it.

Sunbeams

Jillian watched raindrops ramble down the window and felt as gray as the cloud-cluttered sky. Winter had been grueling with heavy snows, Ren’s cut in work hours, and the colicky baby.

Aunt Tillie would have some wit to stamp out the depression she was sure. She was always spouting things like “stitch in time”, “eggs in one basket” and such. Oh yeah, she’d say, “April showers bring May flowers”. Well, Jillian thought, I wish something would bloom in my life.

Then she noticed a purple crocus in the yard, heard laughter coming from the crib, and felt mental sunbeams.

And here is my review of "Sunbeams" by Claudia:

Claudia’s latest Saturday Centus, “Sunbeams” demonstrates once again her amazing writing talents and how hers is inescapably the soul of an artist, sculpting stories from slabs of literary marble into the perfect and beautiful pieces of art that they are.

Her story paints a visual portrait of a woman lost in melancholy by life’s circumstances. As she wishes for relief from her sadness, she spots a flower poking through the ground and hears her baby laugh, metaphors for renewal or a new beginning possibly, and feels “mental sunbeams.”

A lovely turn of phrase for a wonderful, hopeful tale.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother.

She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

- Ellen DeGeneres

A Modest Political Proposal

2011-04-15T00:27:00.000-07:00

It has been a long, long time since I wrote a political rant. Maybe too long. Anyone who has followed the news lately knows that so much insanity has been going on in politics in the last few weeks at both the federal and state level that just defies any semblance of reason or common sense. So much so that my subconscious, apparently irritated at my inability to post anything about any of it, got me out of bed at 3am the other night, sat me down at my laptop and dictated these words that you see below.

Conservative politicians complain about all the ballyhooing going on these days with progressives demanding equal rights for everyone and protesting to maintain collective bargaining rights so American workers can hold onto hard-fought concessions such as a living wage, health care benefits, a 40-hour work week, child labor laws, their pensions, health and safety standards and other benefits that Americans take for granted.

To the right it's all basically socialism in its most evil form, or Marxism or Fascism or Communism...they are all used interchangeably these days as you know.

They argue that insisting upon civil rights for every man, woman or child is not part of the Founding Fathers plan and therefore has to be wrong. So really they are being patriotic when they vote to restrict some people from the full complement of rights afforded to all the other people. Voting to ban interracial and gay marriage or gay adoptions for example is all fine and well because the Founding Fathers never gave it their stamp of approval either. And where the Founding Fathers fail to be narrow-minded enough, conservative politicians will pull out their trusty Holy Bible and tell you their twisted interpretation of this book's verse and how it spells out all the many ways we are all headed for eternal damnation. These are not your run-of-the-mill church-going folk, these are the holiest of Christians imbued with special powers granted by God himself to arbitrarily deny people their civil rights and deprive certain people of life-giving assistance, especially to the sick and the poor. (God evidently really, really hates the sick and the poor.)

With their Holy Bibles in hand these conservative politicians can freely decide who meets their strict standards of humanity and who falls short and doesn’t qualify for equal rights. Sadly, apparently gays and people of color need not apply. Also coming up short on their list of chosen believers are foreigners, the sick and crippled, people of other religious faiths, the poor, the elderly and smart-alecky intellectuals who prefer to use reason and logic instead of angry bluster and intimidation to get their points across. Conservative politicians claim that logic is just cheating and that any self-respecting Christian has no need for thinking anyhow.

Behind this assemblage of self-righteous, knuckle-dragging, right-wing nutjobs are the corporatist despots led by the Koch brothers and their minions of slack-jawed, ignorant redneck conservatives and racist Tea Partiers. Of course the Koch brothers don't speak publicly themselves, preferring instead to use their batcrap crazy spokesmorons, Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin to spread their fear-mongering and lies. Plus you can't forget the other deranged, pathological lying piles of human waste at Fox News such as Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity and their allies in the affront on reason, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin, Michael Savage and the rest of the Rethuglican talking heads.

If there is one thing that is a complete certainty, it is that power, wealth and corruption will always win out over decency, fairness, justice, morality and honor. The haves will never voluntarily cede control to the have-nots. Not as long as they have billions of dollars to bankroll a movement that will prevent it. Face it, fellow progressives, the battle for honest American values and democracy is lost. What semblance of a democracy that exists is merely smoke and mirrors with only a few free-thinking, independent hold-outs left in government like Barrack Obama or Bernie Sanders still raging against the greedy power-hungry machine that has all but destroyed them.

It is only a question of time before we lose every bit of progress that our country has gained in the last one hundred years to these corporate overlords who own our country and practically every government official in it, so why not just save ourselves a lot of time, effort and frustration by just admitting defeat right now and falling into lock-step behind the ignorant masses of sheeple blindly swearing allegiance to a phony movement that waves an American flag back and forth and uses words like “Freedom” the way a hypnotist might use a shiny pocket watch to lull his weak-brained patient into giving up smoking? With the top 1 percent already controlling almost all the wealth in this country, can you really see any other way this is going to play out?

Well, short of a revolution that is, and that prospect seems unlikely since most of the nitwits who support these breathtakingly stupid legislators and their outrageously draconian ideas are the same group of people who also own most of the guns in this country.

Here is what I think should happen. David Koch should run for President of the United States. Why waste time with more idiot puppets the likes of Gingrich, Huckaby, Paul and so on? Lets skip all the formalities and call it what it really is…a corporate takeover. Of course Koch will win in a landslide against Obama because he will pay whatever it takes to be sure of it. Them good old boys will be more than happy to vote for Koch just for the sake of not having to look up to a black man, an unnatural act if ever there was one in the Deep South.

Having gained control of the country, Koch will immediately privatize everything because as everyone knows government services can’t possibly function as efficiently if there isn’t a profit motive involved. Conservatives agree, why provide a best case scenario for schools or hospitals when you can simply cut or reduce the quality of the service while siphoning off their needed resources in the name of profits? They feel it’s wasteful to spend money on the poor and needy anyway. Ignore them and the problem fixes itself, right?. Health services should be reserved for the elite few who have the wealth and status to afford privatized care. Everyone else needs to die (except for the few they will keep around to harvest body parts from as necessary.)

And die they shall, by the tens of thousands at first, as Koch removes every bothersome health and safety code regulation, every environmental restriction, and every common sense guideline that ever came between him and making a buck. Yes, the Tea Partiers will finally have what they asked for all right. No more federal controls. It only stands to reason then that there will be tons more jobs and it will lead to the strongest economy on record, right? Those dumb bastards drank their Kool-Aid and all the lies and bullshit that came with it and came back for seconds! How pathetic!

Like a good corporate raider, he will of course sell off parts of the country to the highest bidders, keeping the profits for himself. Every school, library, national park, hospital, museum, and so on will be put on the auction block and sold to his billionaire buddies so they could in turn do with as they wish. We won’t need as many colleges and hospitals anyway because Koch will have rolled back wages to depression era times and widened the gap between the powerful wealthy elite and the common $5 a day wage slave. No money will mean no mass production which means no jobs and more unemployment and poverty.

After a few years of belching poisonous fumes into the environment and dumping toxic waste into our lakes, rivers, oceans, streams and landfills, the world will have become largely too polluted to sustain the billions of people still holding on to life. With our livestock mostly dead or dying and our crops poisoned by pesticides, there won’t be enough food or clean drinking water to keep the billions of people in the world from dying. Class wars will erupt gradually playing out as your stereotypical post-apocalyptic tale of violent roving gangs led by warlords who kill people indiscriminately and without the slightest hesitation while Koch and friends sit on the sidelines from their toxic-free air-conditioned hideaways and laugh at how he reduced an entire society to ruins for his own personal gain.

In the end, as we all begin dying by the billions from the toxic effects of radiation and acrid pollution of our air, land and water, and the depletion of the ozone layer we can all look back on this time in our history when so many conservatives clung fast to inbred hatreds, ignorant beliefs, narrow-minded ideals, phony patriotic fervor and the outright lies and fear-mongering perpetrated by Fox News and paid for by corporate billionaires who cared only for money and power and nothing for anything or anyone else. And I bet there will still be those diehard conservatives left who will probably cast a smile at their surviving families as they take their final halting breaths and proclaim that it was all Obama’s fault.

When It Rains, It Kills - A Saturday Centus

2011-04-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome back lunatics, Centusians and various weirdniks of every persuasion to another of my weekly contributions to Saturday Centus, that indescribably fun writing meme hosted by Ms. Jenny Matlock (yes, THE Ms. Jenny Matlock) of “off on my tangent” blog fame.

For those of you following along each week, this is week #49 of this challenging writing meme which is about writing short, short, tiny little stories that you can read on the toilet in less time than it takes to get the paper off the roll unless you use a lot of paper, in which case a different analogy would be better.

What? Not everyone brings their computers with them when they go to the bathroom? How bizarre! That’s like not making toast while you are taking a bath. You’re missing out on one of life’s simple pleasures if you don’t! Just saying!

Anyway, Ms. Jenny has given us a wonderful little phrase, or prompt as we like to call it, to base our teeny-tiny, itty-bitty stories on this week. Borrowing from an old Al Jolson refrain, this week’s prompt is “April showers bring May flowers...” As usual I am adding my 100 words to the prompt and concocting something twisted to entertain you and try to make you go “huh?” which as we all know is the goal of any writer living at my house.

Given the bizarre political climate of late I feel compelled to use this forum to blow off a little steam. I apologize in advance to anyone who takes offense. For those that do, just have a Democrat explain it to you and you will feel better. No worries.

I have entitled this eentsy-weentsy bit of subversive literature:

When It Rains, It Kills

(Sometime in the near future)

He awoke to another bleak, rainy morning. The traffic report blared over his clock radio before switching back to news.

News. More like lies and propaganda.

He laughed at the thought of it still being called news. Ever since the Republican Party, backed by corporate interests, had seized control of the country and handed it over to wealthy industrialists, life hadn’t been the same.

Power and greed ruled.

Coal plants burned with no environmental regulations at all releasing toxins which poisoned lakes and streams and killed vegetation.

Pollution and acid rain prevailed.

“April showers bring May flowers?” Not anymore.

April showers bring May flowers…but Mayflowers bring Pilgrims

Searching for Closure, A Saturday Centus

2011-04-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

Well I’m afraid it’s another late effort this week Saturday Centus fans! I really wanted to participate on Saturday but academia smacked me upside the head with a couple of term papers instead, and since I pay for school and SC is free, I went with that.

So before it’s too late and my streak or SC’s comes to a grinding halt, I thought I better try to whip one out before I start my next paper. So much to do, so little time! Of course who would know that better than our mentor and spiritual advisor on this quest for publication bliss, Ms. Jenny Matlock from her famed blog, “off on my tangent.”

Maybe next time Jenny can write my professor a note excusing me from the assignment. What do you say Jenny? You could explain that writing dissertations was hampering my creative writing abilities and creating unrest in the Centusian community.

You could explain to my professor that unless Tom was permitted to write his SC on Saturday where it would get read by more people, that he could expect to be the unfortunate recipient of dozens of extremely well-written but very short letters of protest from Tom’s fellow Centusians.

While I wait for that to happen, here is my week 48 Saturday Centus just squeaking in under the proverbial wire like my dear baby girl did last week. This week’s prompt is “Exit 181, 1/2 mile ahead...” Please click on the SC button for all the rules and for a list of the stories written by people who, unlike me, tend to post their short stories on time.

I have entitled this week’s piece:

Searching for Closure

Sunshine danced through the trees as the van trundled down the road. The bright hues of the autumn leaves brought back so many memories. Six years had passed and yet his recollection of that night was just as vivid as if it were yesterday. His pulse raced with excitement as they grew closer. The road sign read “Exit 181, ½ mile ahead.” He let out a little chuckle and smiled.

“Up there by that old oak tree! Stop over there!”

The van stopped. He jumped out and ran toward a log some 30 yards away.

“Right here,” he gloated. “This is where I buried her body.”

When did wild poodles ever roam the earth?

What Am I? A Saturday Centus

2011-03-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

It’s Saturday at long last!

On Saturdays I always go to Walmart to stock up on necessary provisions - usually a 24-pack.

Then I think intently about mowing the lawn before finding a reason not to (ie. radiation exposure, alien abduction, anything on TV, etc.) and then I take a shower whether I need one or not.

But my favorite Saturday activity is Saturday Centus, a weekly writing meme hosted by the beloved Queen of Centusia herself, Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent.

This is week 47 of Saturday Centus. Every week Jenny gives us a prompt to include in a short story or poem with only an additional 100 words. It’s a quick and fun writing exercise that really gets your creativity fired up.

The only rules are: keep your word count to 100 words maximum not including the prompt, no vulgarity, no splitting or altering the prompt, and no pictures or illustrations. It’s a fun challenge and an opportunity for all us Centusians and wannabe writers to practice our skills each week.

This week our dear Jenny has upped the challenge a notch by making this week’s Centus a poetry assignment, the rhyming kind of poetry, more akin to Dr. Seuss than Elizabeth Barrett Browning. As for our prompt, she has graciously gifted us with the line " I'm not a chicken." So all of you out there in blogland play along this week! Stir up your creative juices and get your rhyming on! This will be a fun one!

Okay, let me just say for the record that poetry and verse is not my bailiwick. I enjoy reading it, but writing it is WAY out of my comfort zone so please be kind! Here is my contribution for this week’s Saturday Centus. I have entitled it:

What Am I?

Twenty Questions was the game,

Who would deduce my animal name?

Friends Jen and Kat and Sue would guess,

But only one would find success.

Was I a lion, a kangaroo or a pig? No way!

You’ll have to do better to win today.

How about a monkey, a hippo, a zebra or giraffe?

A blue-footed booby?

Now you’re making me laugh.

No, I’m not a chicken, a mouse or even a cow,

A few more guesses is all I’ll allow.

Am I a horse? Yes, of course! You win, hooray!

Thanks all for playing, now have a great day!

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son.

"Diet."

Memories of Grandpa, A Saturday Centus

2011-03-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

Another week has passed and it's time once again for another foray into the realm of literary succinctitude. (You don't think that's a word? Feel free to refudiate me if you wish.) This is week 46 of Jenny Matlock's Saturday Centus, that challenging writing meme that has all of Spunky Puddle, Ohio blowing spit bubbles and screaming obscenities at trees. In case you didn't know, this is considered very high praise in Spunky Puddle! Plenty of other people also love this weekly writing exercise hosted at Jenny's blog, off on my tangent. They just show it in slightly different ways.

So I bet you are wondering, "Hey Tom, how can I become a Centusian like you and participate in this fun-filled meme?" Good question! All you have to do is write a really short, short story of no more than 100 words not including the supplied prompt. Your story can't use any vulgarity or include any photos or illustrations of any kind and you are not permitted to alter the prompt in any way. After posting your story to your blog, link it back to Jenny's meme post so the other Centusians can share in your obvious dementia and pray for your eternal salvation.

This week's prompt was a simple three-word phrase without any tricks or gimmicks of any kind. Maybe next week Jenny will begin challenging us again with her ~~evil genius~~ creative twists (ie. from the perspective of a Russian dancing bear, extremely lonely TSA agent or a sentient potato.) This week's prompt is "the curtain parted." Here is my take on the prompt. I have entitled it:

Memories of Grandpa

As a kid I remember spending one summer with my Grandpa Steve in Oregon. He loved it when I would sit at his bedside and read him stories. Problem was he had a hearing problem which made it challenging.

“She adjusted her crown and stood ready.”

“Who’s Freddy?”

“Then the curtain parted…”

“What? I don’t smell anything.”

“…and the fans roared with applause.”

“Eh? Snored with the bras?”

I suspect grandpa heard a lot better than he let on. He just liked to bust me up and break my concentration. Funny old guy…I want to be just like him someday.

I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.

A 30-Second Political Ad, A Saturday Centus

2011-03-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

It’s week 45 of Saturday Centus and time once again to try and string together 100 words in some semblance of order so that they make sense to a reader. It’s a bit of a mental ball-buster, but it gets even more challenging when you have to incorporate a supplied prompt into the mix as well. Well, then it just gets nearly impossible! But then again I routinely do the impossible, like when I ate an entire big screen TV or the time I played golf and shot 18 consecutive holes-in-one.

Hmmm. I sense that you don’t believe me. Would you believe I ate a whole pound cake shaped like a big screen TV and watched a hole-in-one video 18 times? It’s practically the same thing.

There I go...off on my tangent. Speaking of tangents (note cleverly disguised segue here), this wonderful Saturday Centus meme is brought to you each week by an amazing writer and just overall fabulous human being, Jenny Matlock, at her blog “off on my tangent.”

If you haven't already become a Centusian, what's stopping you? It's free and nobody will think any less of you for participating. Well, except for the French, but who cares about them anyway. So try it! It's addictive so it must be good for you!

You all know the drill I’m sure. Write a story using 100 words not including the prompt using no vulgarity or pictures and without splitting the prompt. Then link it back to Jenny’s meme post and sit back and wait for the book deals to pour in or comments from fellow Centusians, whichever.

This week Ms. Jenny has given us the prompt “He had never been accused of being intelligent...” to use in our stories. With so many dimwits running around, particularly in the political arena, it seemed the possibilities were endless, but alas with only 100 words I couldn’t lay some smack on all of them as I am wont to do. Instead I thought of a different approach to get my message across. I have entitled this week’s contribution:

A 30-Second Political Ad

“Fox News said elect Jim DeMint because they know what’s best for us here in Toombs County.

True, he had never been accused of being intelligent, but folks ‘round these parts ain’t partial to brainiacs anyhow.

So what if some called him crooked, racist and crazy?

Jim’s just a good ol’ boy like us.

He will fight to the death to defend our freedom and keep God, guns and our way of life from being taken over by a bunch of whiny liberals and their Muslim leader.

How you gonna vote agin him fer that?

So join me in taking back America!

DeMint for President!”

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

Unlucky At Cards, A Saturday Centus

2011-03-10T01:55:00.000-08:00

.
Ahhhh, it's week 44 of Saturday Centus. And I finally have something new to contribute. Yay me!

(High-five!. Myself! No friends!)

Yes, I know Satuday was days ago and most of my Centusian brethren have long since written their stories and collected their kudos for reaching deeply into their creative minds and pulling out yet another literary gem. Not me. I'm late to the party again. Academia hath struck once more and pushed my timetable forward to more of a Thursday Centus than a Saturday Centus, but that's okay.

Ms. Jenny Matlock, the fine host of this fun little meme from her blog, off on my tangent, allows us a whole week to come up with something to post here. Even if it's really rushed and terrible and pales miserably in comparison to the others. I don't care. This week is my final exam so I'm guessing I'll be late again. Oh well. Jenny doesn't care. She loves us all the same...even if we are ...um...slow.

Jenny's prompt this week is "Everything depended upon this single card." Here is my 100 word attempt at trying to pull something off at the last minute. I have entitled it:

Unlucky At Cards

With a lousy job, no money and hair falling out, I knew I needed help, so I sought answers from Madame Zarah.

A beautiful, dark-haired gypsy, I trusted her to tell me the truth. Shuffling the tarot cards, she placed three face-down before me representing my career, my wealth and my health.

She flipped the first card over.

“The Tower…Is it a promotion?”

“No. It portends downfall and disaster.”

She flipped again.

“The Wheel of Fortune…I’m rich?”

“No. Misfortune awaits you.”

The last card…was I doomed? Everything depended upon this single card.

She flipped again.

“Death.”

“Sorry, Tom. I’ll miss you.”

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Helping Others Is Not Always A Bad Thing

2011-02-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

Greetings fellow lunatics and welcome to my blog, Sophisticated Lunacy. Thank you all for stopping by and visiting. As I have the last 41 weeks, I am pleased to participate in week 43 of the Saturday Centus, that fun-filled writing meme hosted by Arizona’s own version of Erma Bombeck, Jenny Matlock, from her blog off on my tangent.

Writing a Saturday Centus is a fun literary exercise intended to challenge you to create an interesting story in 100 words or less, not including the supplied prompt. Each Saturday it brings together great writers from all over the globe to share the experience of selecting just the right words in just the right way to create tiny glimpses of life that are sad, funny, profound or whatever the writer has in mind.

After posting to Jenny’s meme we all read each other’s contributions and give our feedback. It’s like an online version of the Algonquin Round Table, only without the booze. Well…usually.

The rules are simply no more than 100 words excluding the prompt, no splitting the prompt, no photos or illustrations and no vulgarity. Oh, and I’d like to suggest one more rule for your consideration. No batcrap crazy celebs like Charlie Sheen spouting nonsense like “I’ve got magic and I’ve got poetry at my fingertips.” Sorry Charlie! We Centusians have to have some standards you know.

By the way, Lindsay Lohan, you can stop begging to be a Centusian too. It didn’t work for Paris Hilton or Snooki and it won’t work for you either. Get over it.

This week Jenny has offered up a nice, normal prompt that is devoid of some of the more challenging trappings of previous week’s prompts. She swears there are no tricks, no hidden agendas, no “Oh, and by the way” surprises to twist and contort our minds this time.

Very clever, Ms. Matlock, giving us this false sense of security and then BAM! You hit us with “just make it a positive message that we can all relate to.” Okay, so you didn’t actually say that, but I can read between the lines. Hah! You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me…at least before 10:30am.

So with this in mind I have taken this week’s prompt, which is “The ATM machine began dispensing twenties...” and fashioned a tale that does just that. I have entitled my little story this week:

Helping Others Is Not Always A Bad Thing

The morning began with a text from my literary agent. He said there was a huge offer for my first novel.

“Good,” I replied.

I passed by a bank in my new BMW convertible when suddenly the ATM machine began dispensing twenties. As this was clearly a divine act, I thanked the Lord for the cash and left.

I saw an old homeless man digging through trash cans. A feeling of warmth and joy washed over me as I knew exactly what to do.

“Hey old guy,” I said. The ATM over there was spitting out free money. Check it out!”

It felt good to help.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I Would Do Anything For Love, But...

2011-02-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

It’s week 42 of Saturday Centus already! Wow…seems like only a week ago it was week 41…how time flies!

For those of you who have just entered the computer age and discovered the wonderful wide world of the blogosphere and this thrilling literary meme, welcome! It’s kind of like going to a NASCAR race, ‘cept there ain’t no beer, no chew, no mullets and no one screaming “Git 'R Dun!”

“Then what’s the point?” I hear you say.

So glad you asked. Born in the voluminously creative mind of Jenny Matlock either during a prolonged tantric meditation or while watching “Desperate Housewives” - the facts are still a bit fuzzy - the Saturday Centus was devised as a mental challenge for the literarily inclined.

From her blog, off on my tangent, Jenny hosts this weekly exercise in tight, concise writing. The rules are you are allowed 100 words to write a story using a supplied verbal or visual prompt. You cannot alter the prompt in any way, use foul language or add any images to your post. Writing a story takes on a whole new dimension when you only have a limited number of words you can use. This exercise teaches you to be very selective in your word choices so the words you use tell the whole story in an impactful and imaginative way.

Participants in this meme, or “Centusians” as we refer to ourselves, know only too well how quickly 100 words can be used up before we have to start hacking away at our stories. It can be maddening getting down to that word count, and not everyone gets there, but it is such a fun challenge to attempt. I invite you to give it a try. Come on, I know you are itching to be a Centusian! Who isn’t?

After writing our stories we link them back to Jenny’s meme post so that we can all share our little stories with one another and offer feedback. This week our host has offered up a prompt based upon a favorite song. The prompt is “I'd catch a grenade for ya...” Oh, if only we had this prompt last week for our Valentine’s cards! Oh well. Here is my take on it. I have entitled it:

I Would Do Anything For Love, But...

A couple lies in bed, the husband barely asleep while his wife is wide-awake and restless.

“Honey, wake up.”

“Hmmm? Go back to sleep, Blanche.”

“I can’t sleep. Do you still love me like when we met?”

“Yes, Blanche.”

“Would you walk through fire for me?”

“Yes, Blanche.”

“Would you sacrifice your life to save mine?”

“Yes! I swear, Blanche, that I'd catch a grenade for ya if you just let me get some sleep first!”

“Well in that case would you bring me a Diet Coke please?

“Will you die if I don’t get it?”

“Well…no.”

“Good. Then get it yourself.”

*This story is not intended to portray anyone in particular and any similarity to anyone living or not is purely coincidental and is definitely not my wife. Nope, not even a little bit. (You happy now?)

One by one the penguins are stealing my sanity

A Doggie Valentine's Day Card, A Saturday Centus

2011-02-14T01:26:00.000-08:00

It’s that time again…and this time I’m not horribly late as usual! I’m talking about week 41 of Saturday Centus! (That’s week 287 in dog weeks which, given our prompt this week, is a good way to look at it!)

The host of this amazingly fun and challenging meme, Jenny Matlock from her blog off on my tangent, has thrown us a really fun curve ball this week in honor of Valentine’s Day.

Rather than supplying us with a verbal prompt and letting us transform it into a tiny literary masterwork using only 100 words or less, Jenny has given us a photo and a mere 50 words and charged us with writing a Valentine’s Day card.

At last an opportunity to show that I too can be a sappy Hallmark card writer and come up with some romantic copy that will send hearts aflutter with desire!

So then, the object of this Valentine’s Day card is some hot babe or hunk then right? I mean, Jenny wouldn’t further complicate this task by giving us something so patently unromantic that we couldn’t transition it to a sweet Valentine’s Day card that someone wouldn’t love to receive, now would she?

No, of course not! This is why she gave us this adorable photo of a pug wearing a Wonder Woman costume!

Good thing too. I was worried she might give us a photo of flowers or hearts and I wouldn’t know what to do.

So look out Hallmark! Your next greeting card writer is ready to hit the ground running as is evident by the following example!

Now go ahead and join us and add “Centusian” to your writing resume! (Publishers really stand up and take notice if you put it there…especially if written in 2” tall letters in red crayon.) After you write your story, link it back to Jenny’s meme post so that we can all enjoy your fascinating take on this fun challenge!

Here is my effort for this week. I hope you like it. Be gentle. It’s my first time.

To my Super Man

on Valentine’s Day!

I love you for saving my life, as life

without you would be like dry

kibble, nourishing but without joy.

I love you for loving me as I am, even

with my snoring, wrinkles and

occasional gas

(sorry)

Even a Wonder Woman needs a

hero, and that hero is you!

Happy Valentine's Day!

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

~Author Unknown

The Last Song, A Saturday Centus

2011-02-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

Ugggggh!

Late again to the party! Schoolwork is the bane of my blog life all too often these days. Sometimes I wish I had never hopped aboard this warp-speed academic treadmill, but it does feel good to finally finish a class every five weeks. Come April when I have to take statistics classes I will no doubt be too mentally fried to write, so don’t be surprised if I disappear for three months. When I return there is a 53% probability that I will have suffered some serious brain damage. Fortunately I don’t think it will be noticeable.

Saturday Centus time again (yes, a week ago…I know, I know…) and I am back to try my hand at writing something short and entertaining based upon a supplied prompt. According to Ms. Jenny Matlock, that creative juggernaut over at off on my tangent and host of this fun little meme, the rules are that we can use only up to 100 words, not including the prompt.

Those who dare break this rule will be punished in a most horrific fashion. They will be strapped to a chair while headphones are placed over their ears playing the audio book version of “Going Rogue” as read by Sarah Palin. Is that cruel enough? You betcha!

Other rules are that you must not split the prompt or alter it in any way. We like our prompts in their virgin edition. Also don’t use any vulgarity in your stories because small children shouldn’t be exposed to that kind of stuff. By small I mean shorter than 3’ 6”. For taller kids it’s just fine as it’s probably nothing new. Oh, and no pictures or illustrations of any kind because a picture is worth a thousand words and that would put you over your word count.

Got that? Good. So after you’ve written your amazingly clever, sparkly clean, picture-free 100-word story with the intact prompt, you need to link it back to Jenny’s meme post so that Centusians and non-Centusians alike can read it and provide you feedback on your effort. And do please take the time to visit and comment on the other posted stories by clicking on the Saturday Centus button, which will magically take you to Jenny’s blog. They are quick reads and are all guaranteed to make you go “Uhhh, what the heck?” which is high praise in the blogger community.

So without further ado, I present my own Saturday Centus contribution. This week’s prompt is courtesy of guest prompt-giver-outer and Centusian extraordinaire, Ames, from her blog, Girl Raised in the South. This week’s prompt is "It was growing bigger by the minute..." All I can say is thank goodness for Jenny’s rule about keeping it clean. The story might have been a little different otherwise.

Here is my effort for this week. I have entitled it:

The Last Song

Like a dimmer switch on her soul, Kathleen’s bright blue eyes had faded to grey over the years. Her late husband Sean used to say they shone “like the azure sky o’er Donegal.”

Since her stroke she just stared out the hospice window crying softly to herself. The staff had seen this before. The end would come soon.

On Sunday Corby, a volunteer, visited her and began playing his guitar and sang “I’ll Take You Home Again, Kathleen.”

A smile formed…and it was growing bigger by the minute. She sang along as tears rolled down her cheeks.

She died that night…still smiling.

"I am a drinker with a writing problem."

- Brendan Behan

A Life of Discontent, A Saturday Centus

2011-01-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

Here I go again, back at it again for what I will call Saturday Centus plus a day! Yes, I am a little bit tardy this week, but at least I made it while it is still week 39! I couldn't let my buddy Judie down after she did such a bang-up job on this week's prompt! Thanks Judie!

One of the wonderful things about this writing exercise is that our host lets you have a whole week to post a story, so even if you post your Saturday Centus on Sunday, that doesn't make you a total dweeb. (Well, not total, anyway.)

So if you have other urgent matters, such as a school paper you need to write for example, you can go ahead and take care of that before submitting your story and the kindly, understanding Centusians who follow and contribute to this meme will not think any less of you.

Generally speaking.

For those of you who aren’t yet familiar with this fun and challenging literary meme from the endlessly creative mind of Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent, here are some other things that probably haven’t reached you there at the rock you've been living under:

Dubya is no longer President of the United States. (Yes, the long national nightmare is finally over.)

The San Francisco Giants won the World Series. (Seriously, I kid you not!)

Martha Stewart was arrested and sent to prison. (Dick Cheney, on the other hand, was not.)

Avatar, a movie about tall, ugly phonies trying to fit in with an alien culture, became the highest grossing movie of all time. (In related news, Paris Hilton is still irrelevant.)

The most popular reality television show is currently “So You Think You Can Fart.” (Okay, I admit it. That’s not true. It would be an interesting concept though.)

Succinctly put, as that is the Centusian way, the rules of Saturday Centus are that participants must write a very short story using a supplied prompt and no more than 100 extra words. These stories must not include any vulgarity or photos and must use the prompt as written. After writing your story, you must link it back to Jenny’s meme post so that others can share in your creative endeavors.

Special thanks again to guest prompt-giver-outer Judie from the blog, Rogue Artists, for supplying this week’s wonderfully challenging prompt. The prompt is “She lifted the stack of letters from the ancient chest...” I admit the first time I read it I pictured scrabble tiles stacked precariously on some mummified Egyptian queen’s boobage, but I decided to go in a different direction anyway. (Oh, like you didn’t think of that too!)

Here is my latest 100-word effort. I have entitled it:

A Life of Discontent

Aunt Eugenia was a nasty, old crone. Mean-spirited and always ready with a harsh word or criticism, the family rejoiced when she finally died. Her niece Sarah always thought it sad that the family shunned her, but after meeting her for the first time and being told she was fat and ugly, she thought better of it.

Cleaning out Eugenia’s cluttered hall closet, Sarah spied what looked like piles of envelopes sitting atop an old oak chest. She lifted the stack of letters from the ancient chest and was astounded to find they were all rejection letters from publishers.

At last, Sarah had discovered the source of Eugenia’s bitterness.

The difference between the right word and almost the right word

is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

-- Mark Twain

To Go Where Everyone Has Gone Before…

2011-01-22T17:39:00.000-08:00

Welcome to yet another weekly installment of Saturday Centus, that wonderfully challenging and yet refreshingly brief literary meme hosted by none other than that superstar of the blog world, Jenny Matlock, at her blog, off on my tangent.

This week’s assignment is yet another shake-up because usually we are assigned to write a story of up to 100 words (but no more than 100, or face the furious and unstoppable wrath of Ms. M) based upon a supplied prompt with the only other rules being no vulgarity, no splitting the prompt and no photos or illustrations. What is different this week is that our stories must be written within the sci-fi genre. Yes, sci-fi, as in outer space, time travel, alien beings, robots, futuristic technologies and the like.

I think it’s marvelous! What an interesting way to challenge Centusians to step outside their comfort zones and write about a reality that includes huge interstellar space ships, extraterrestrial hedgehogs and giant robot TSA inspectors from the future. I definitely would like to see more of these shake-ups! Maybe we should do one that combined the dark and moody film noir style of the 1930’s and 1940’s with one that has brain-eating zombies. Oh, and make it a musical also! I bet we could pull that off easily with 50 words tied behind our backs too!

Just a thought. (Please leave your invective at the usual place.)

This week’s prompt is “Beam me up, Scottie.” My 100 word take on it follows. I have entitled it:

To Go Where Everyone Has Gone Before…

“Captain’s log, Stardate 5732.4.

Our mission to save the planet Jen’Mat Lok III and destroy the loathsome creature known as the Srapal’n is complete."

*BEEP!!!*

“Captain, we received orders to proceed to Seti Alpha 6 immediately to bring medical aid to millions suffering from an outbreak of T’baaggah Fever.”

“Seti Alpha 6…isn’t that the planet known for its green-skinned dancing girls, Scottie?”

“No Captain…that is Seti Alpha 5.”

“Sigh.”

“Of course”, chimed Scottie, “it IS on the way.”

“Beam me up, Scottie! We have some humanitarian aid to deliver.”

“Yessir, Captain. Dibs on the redhead!”

With apologies to Gene Roddenberry

We are Centusians.

Resistance is futile.

The Winning Loser - A Saturday Centus

2011-01-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

Welcome peeps!

Well, week 37 of Saturday Centus has come upon us like snow on an orange grove and it’s time once again to participate in a little writing! “Little” being the operative word this week as Ms. Jenny Matlock, host of this addictively fun meme from her blog, off on my tangent, has thrown us a challenging twist this week. Instead of the usual 100 word limit we have come to expect, this week our beloved Jenny has decided that 25 words is more than sufficient to craft a story filled with drama, suspense, romance and intrigue.

Okay, maybe the intrigue part is a stretch.

Personally I like the idea of micro fiction. I wish there were more publishers out there who appreciated the skill and talent required to write a complete tale with just a limited amount of words. Let’s face it; a lot of people don’t have the patience to read an entire book or even a short story. People want something they can zip through quickly, enjoy and then move on with the rest of their day. I am one of these people. I prefer to do my reading while sitting on the toilet.

Don’t laugh! I bet a lot of people like to read while doing their business. There’s even a very successful volume of books called “The Bathroom Reader” which have very small, interesting or amusing news articles, quotes and anecdotes which can be read quickly. I have a number of these books. But as far as fiction is concerned, there’s not much available. Maybe we Centusians could get together and do a compilation of stories from SC and have them published? We could call them Toilet Books!

Imagine the pride you would feel knowing that your finely crafted stories are sitting on the top of toilet tanks all over America, between the box of tissues and the can of air freshener (or between the can of bug spray and book of matches if you're from the South!) Think of the exposure you would have as a writer! A whole new genre of writers could emerge, Toilet Writers, and soon we could at last have a taste of the fame and glory that has eluded us.

Toilet writing could become the next great trend in the literary world. Libraries would have to install more bathrooms to keep up with the demand for more toilet reading, maybe even going so far as to install porta-potties where space permits. Writers of this genre who achieve great popularity might even be courted by toilet manufacturers to endorse their products. A toilet recliner with a built-in reading lamp could even be released for toilet readers with discriminating tastes in bathroom décor. The possibilities are endless.

And to think we owe it all to Jenny Matlock, who will now and forever be known as the “Mother of Toilet Literature.” To be able to say that you were there at the birth and infancy of Toilet Literature kind of gives you a lump in your throat, doesn’t it? Yes, surely it’s a proud moment for all us Centusians.

Moving on to the story segment of my babbling, I have written a very short, short story that contains scenes of violence. For that reason, my twenty-five word story is rated PG. For those of you who do not wish to deal with the graphic reality of everyday American life, you may click on this link instead and be comforted by images of puppies, kittens and soft, fuzzy bunnies.

This week's prompt is "the lottery ticket."

I think I will give this tiny tale a tiny title and call it:

The Winning Loser

“Congratulations!

You’re the winner?

No one else knows?

Here’s a bullet.

Bang!

I’ll take the lottery ticket and your life.

Fool.

Didn’t anybody tell you?

Don’t trust anyone.”

"I have a great faith in fools -

my friends call it self-confidence."

- Edgar Allan Poe

A Tender Bleeping Jersey Moment

2011-01-08T10:08:00.000-08:00

Another Saturday and another Saturday Centus…the 36^th one for those of you who are keeping count until we reach the 100^th week, which as you all know was foretold by the Mayan calendar and scholars as being the final Centus on Earth. But fear not because the Saturday Centus will survive.

Plans are currently underway to have a huge space station completed before that time so that the fabulous host of this jaunty literary meme, Jenny Matlock from her blog off on my tangent, can be blasted into space with a crew of hand-picked Centusians so that the Saturday Centus will survive the worldwide cataclysm to come.

Of course the blogosphere will be fairly sparse then, what with only a few blogs, but once word reaches other alien civilizations about Saturday Centus, we are sure there will be plenty of interesting stories to read and enjoy. (Just a suggestion, though. Try not to be negative in any comments to a Twartdackian blogger’s post. They are sensitive and will hunt you down and vaporize you.)

If this week’s post seems just a bit disjointed I should tell you I am struggling with a bad cold and can’t be sure if the words spewing forth from my mind might be tinged with the effects of the medication I have been taking. How does the old adage go again? Starve a cold and feed a fever? My own personal motto goes like this: “Drink plenty of scotch.”

Although drinking scotch is doing very little to allay any of the symptoms I'm suffering with, I’ve found that drinking scotch as a preventative measure to becoming ill has a high percentage of success. The same can be said of eating Twinkies. This routine has probably saved me months of sick time over the years. Could scotch-flavored Twinkies be our salvation from the common cold? Perhaps. Time will tell.

This week Ms. Jenny (who I would just like to state for the record is not flatulent but has a dog that is….why I feel the need to bring this up I have no idea) has shaken the firmament here in Centusianland once again with another twist for us to wrap our collective minds around. Instead of a written prompt, we are given this photo from which to base our short, short stories on.

Our instructions are to write a short story of 100 words or less (unless of course a muse tells you otherwise) with no vulgarity (or as little as you feel you can possibly do, written or implied, given the situation) and without any photos or illustrations (except for the one we are supplied by Ms. Jenny) and post it to her meme post within a week’s time. Once posted, other Centusians and fans of this succinct writing style can congregate and read your stories and give you their feedback.

This week I admit I’m pushing some boundaries in my story. It’s true that it could be considered in bad taste and that I did nudge past the word limit a little (I’m so not worthy of being a Centusian!) but it was unavoidable. When your muse tells you to write something or face total creative meltdown, it’s wise to just go with it and let the chips fall. So I apologize in advance to anyone who gets offended by this piece due to its vulgar nature, although I did utilize the word “bleep” in lieu of the actual words in a half-hearted attempt at trying to be sensitive to the feelings of others.

This week’s Saturday Centus effort is entitled:

A Tender Bleeping Jersey Moment

Vacationing in Florida, a father and his young daughter stroll through a snow-covered orange grove.

“Daddy, what’s with the *bleep* snow on these oranges? We get enough *bleep* snow in Jersey.”

“*Bleep* but that’s a stupid question. You’re really retarded, you know that?”

“So what are we doing here anyway? This don’t look like no *bleep* fun.”

“Memories. This is where I first *bleep* yo’ mama and got her knocked up wit you.”

“That’s *bleep* gross. That still doesn’t tell me why there’s snow on these *bleep* oranges.”

“*Bleep* where do you think frozen orange juice comes from? Sometimes you are such a *bleep* idiot, Snooki!”

**Readers familiar with American popular culture will hopefully recognize the reference to Snooki, ~~an orange-skinned, foul-mouthed little troll~~ a reality TV “celebrity” who appears in the popular television show, “The Jersey Shore.”

Please post complaints in the comments section

and be brief as space is limited.

A Gloomy New Year's Eve - A Saturday Centus

2011-01-01T16:05:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Another new year and another new week of Saturday Centus! I tell you, does it get any better, people? Yes, of course it does, there could be free chocolate too! For a Centusian, though, the opportunity to transform a blank page into a literary work worthy of posting for public view is all the satisfaction we require, with or without the chocolate. Right, Robyn?

Okay, so that topic is still open for debate.

We are at week #35 of this wildly popular and world renowned writing meme hosted by the high priestess of short, short story writing, Jenny Matlock, at her blog, off on my tangent. As the first Saturday Centus of 2011, I think it is a good idea to start off the year on the right foot. Whatever witless comments, extra-long posts and clumsy mistakes we made in the past are now distant memories because we have a clean slate and new chances to get things right moving forward.

The rules of this fun writing exercise are to write a short story of up to 100 words using a supplied prompt (which isn’t included in the total word count) without using any vulgarity, images (this week is an exception) and without splitting the prompt. After posting your contribution, you are instructed to link it to Jenny’s meme post so that the rest of us can read it and share our thoughts about it with you. In keeping with the times, vulgarity will now be allowed in the comments section if deemed necessary provided that it is used in a complete sentence.

This week’s prompt is "Her crumpled up list of resolutions..." I tried the whole New Year’s resolution thing last year and failed miserably on almost all counts. If that lesson taught me anything it is this. Don’t try. Yep, you stand a much better chance of not failing if you don’t try. So this year I have no resolutions. None. Instead of following some old, contrived tradition of trying to address my shortcomings at the beginning of each year, I’m just going to let my lovely wife handle the job. She’s a natural.

I want to point out that this story is a small milestone in my blogging career, my 100^th post. Though I was much slower in getting to this point than most of you amazingly prolific bloggers, many of whom post daily or even put up multiple posts per day (all of which leaves me feeling quite humble) I am at least pleased to have at long-last cracked the triple digits. I need to recognize Jenny Matlock for her encouragement and for this meme which has resulted in a third of my posts! Thanks, Jenny! At some point I hope to post with greater regularity, but conditions being what they are I must remain noncommittal for the time being.

Here is my first post of 2011. I have entitled it:

A Gloomy New Year’s Eve

Donna dreaded New Year’s Eve.

It only served as a reminder of what a shambles she’d made of her life.

She had written out some resolutions - “find love, make friends, stop smoking, get fit” – the usual suspects.

Staring as coils of smoke rose up from her lit cigarette, she pondered whether she had the strength to get it right this time and escape the cycle of regret and despair.

In her mind she heard her mother’s voice with the answer.

“No.”

Sighing, she went to bed, leaving her crumpled up list of resolutions on the kitchen table.

Another holiday spent home alone.

New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.

Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

-- Mark Twain

Death of a Toy Man, A Saturday Centus

2010-12-26T14:49:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all had a good time. Well this weekend has been a busy one with family from all over coming to our house for the holiday so I will keep this week’s Saturday Centus short and to the point so I can get back to spending time with them and not go off on a tangent like I usually do.

So we are now at week 34, or week 238 in dog weeks according to my dog, Rufus, and it has been a fun-filled ride playing along with Jenny and the Centusians. (I have all their albums!) Being a Centusian has been a wonderful gift for 34 weeks and I need to thank Ms. Jenny Matlock at her blog, off on my tangent, for hosting this meme every week and giving us aspiring writer folk a place to practice our creative scribblins.

Thank you Jenny!!!

The Saturday Centus is a challenging creative writing meme where we are instructed to write a story of only 100 words or less using a supplied prompt. Besides the 100 word limit, the rules also include no splitting the prompt, no illustrations or photographs, and no vulgarity. Of course if you fail to obey the rules karma will visit you with the worst case of flatulence you have ever experienced. Remember, you were warned!

After posting their stories, writers link up to Jenny’s meme post so that we can all share our takes on the prompt with one another and offer feedback. This week’s prompt is “the white-bearded fat man rolled through the church doors.” My take on the prompt was probably darker than others given that it is Christmastime, but I present it to you anyway. I have entitled it:

Death of a Toy Man

On a clear, crisp night beneath the starry skies above Berkeley, a Christmas celebration was underway.

Nick Kloss, CEO of Kloss Toys and a liberal activist, was known for his big entrances almost as much as his generous donations, so when the white-bearded fat man rolled through the church doors riding a Segway, most smiled and laughed at his eccentric behavior.

One person there didn’t smile. His thoughts were full of rage and a fundamentalist dogma that would never know Kloss’ compassion for one’s fellow man.

By the end of that evening, Kloss’ body would be found shot to death.

Another victory for the “Crusaders for Christianity.”

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions.

The other half, just don't care.

It’s Like, Whatever, You Know? A Saturday Centus

2010-12-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

I’m back again with yet another late contribution to Jenny Matlock’s Saturday Centus!

This is the 33^rd week of this fun and challenging writing meme which is lovingly hosted by mentor extraordinaire, Ms. Jenny, at her blog, off on my tangent. I know what you are thinking: with 33 weeks of practice I should be better at it than I am. Oh yeah, well maybe you should try it, Mr. Smarty-Pants, and see how well you do!

Sorry. I’m suffering from the side effects of sleep deprivation and exhaustive academic pursuits. Thank goodness I have a short break before I begin my next course!

Writing a 100-word story, not including the supplied prompt, is a great lesson in choosing your words carefully and trimming the fat off of your writing projects. These stories force us to reduce our stories to their barest essentials without a lot of the fluff and complicated contrivances typical in the works of many writers.

Personally I prefer the K.I.S.S. method when I write. That stands for Knowledgeable Indifference to Stylistic Superfluousness. I’m all about literary unpretentiousness. It’s how I circumvolve.

It is Christmas this Saturday and my home will be filled once again with laughter and merriment as four generations of family come together to eat excessively, coo over little baby David (whom my wife says in her unbiased grandmotherly way is just the cutest baby in the universe), listen to music, play games, watch movies, drink too much wine and have fun.

I hope that wherever you are, you make it an enjoyable experience as well, whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Christmahanakwanza even. The point is that in this season of love and brotherhood, we can all pretend to get along for a little while. Just sayin!

Without further adieu (having nearly exhausted my supply of adieu and seeing only a little bit of sayonara left in the back of the cupboard) I wish to submit my entry joining the rest of our rogue’s gallery of literary baby choppers. This week’s prompt was a fun one and really made me think. It made me think, “Hey, people must start drinking earlier in the day in Arizona.” This week’s prompt is: "What was he thinking? OMG! Elves are soooo 2009..."

Here is my entry for this week. I have entitled it:

It’s Like, Whatever, You Know?

Sitting at their usual table picking at an extra spicy rainbow roll, Bianca discussed the previous night’s adventure with Jade.

“So, like, I’m there at the club when who do you guess walks in?”

“Like, oh my God! Brandon was there?”

“Totally! We just broke up and he’s already dating again!”

“Seriously? That’s sooo not cool!”

“Fer shur, right? So then he sees me and asks me to dance. As if!”

“OMG, I’m so suuure!” chimed Jade.

“That’s nothing! Then he put on an elf hat and tried to burp the song ‘Jingle Bells.’”

"What was he thinking? OMG! Elves are soooo 2009."

Don't sweat the petty things.

Don't pet the sweaty things.

A Not-So-Perfect Gift, A Saturday Centus

2010-12-16T18:49:00.000-08:00

Well here it is, week 32 of Saturday Centus (fashionably late again, as usual) and time to whip out another 100-word short story based upon a supplied prompt. Or I could just go to Starbucks and play solitaire while pretending to write the great American novel. Nah, that gets old after a while. Probably better to write the story. After all, what would Jenny do? (WWJD?)

For those who don’t know who Jenny is, she is Jenny Matlock of the blog, off on my tangent, and the spiritual leader of us Centusians, a ragtag collection of literary folk from around the globe who enjoy making up stories and shopping at Walmart dressed very inappropriately just for the attention. Perhaps you've even seen photos of some of us online.

Okay, so not all Centusians like to do the Walmart thing (you know who you are), but they do all like to make up stories. And many of them do it very, very well. In fact, there might even be a future congressman amongst them.

Each Saturday morning we assemble at Jenny’s blog where the divine Ms. M shares with us our writing assignment for the week. Then we set about making up our little stories which must include the prompt as written and no more than 100 extra words. It sounds easy but it can be challenging at times, particularly since vulgar illustrations and filthy cuss words are not allowed. (Fear not, maybe next year.)

After we are done writing our stories, we link our contributions to Jenny’s meme post so that the whole world can read them. The world, in turn, then contacts their friends who work in the publishing industry. Then publishers offer us six-figure book deals and we go on 50-city book tours riding in pimped out luxury buses while dining on caviar and champagne, desperately trying to remember the little people who first told us to follow our dreams. I don’t know what happens next because the drugs usually wear off by this point.

Anyway, if you haven’t participated in Saturday Centus by now you really should. It’s what your fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Henkle, would have wanted if she were still alive and had not perished in that tragic blimp accident. This week Miss Jenny handed us a doozy of a prompt to use in our stories. The prompt is “An involuntary gasp of shock escaped my lips when I opened the shoebox and saw the pointy-toed shoes…”

Here is my Saturday Centus contribution for this week. I have entitled it:

A Not-So-Perfect Gift

I’ve never been a big fan of white elephant gift exchanges, but my office has one every Christmas. While others unwrapped cool stuff like Chia Pets or glow-in-the-dark armadillo flashlights, I always seemed to end up with the ugliest, most useless crap you could imagine.

This year, to avoid getting something lousy like a crocheted toilet paper cozy, I planned to choose a package that had the right size and weight, because bigger is generally better.

Well, at least less sucky.

Crossing my fingers, I chose a nicely wrapped box. An involuntary gasp of shock escaped my lips when I opened the shoebox and saw the pointy-toed shoes.

“Pink stilettos,” I said glumly. “Merry Christmas to me.”

He who laughs last thinks slowest